The Second Coming of Leo Messi is the dominant topic of conversation this Resurrection week in the pagan sector of Barcelona society, and surely also among devotees of the Christian faith. The problem is that, blinded by illusion, they forget that their soul is Muslim, that they have sold it to Saudi Sunnism.
What will be the next step of the Messiah? His time at Paris Saint-Germain will come to an end in the summer, but in practice it is already over. He has never felt passion for PSG. It was obviously a way to win a lot of goals and stay in shape for the World Cup. With the goal achieved, it is clear that he cares little about his French team. PSG haven’t stopped losing since Messi lifted the World Cup in December, and on Sunday, after a home defeat, the fans booed him, not for the first time.
Messi’s options seem to be: u, return to Barça; two, to go to David Beckham’s Inter Miami, or, three, to recover his rivalry with Cristiano Ronaldo in the Saudi League. I propose a fourth option: that he go to Newcastle United. I think it would be the best for him, the one that reconciles all his needs.
Firstly, because it would be the ideal way to combine his two vocations, that of a footballer and that of an ambassador for Saudi tourism. One of Newcastle’s three first team shirts bears the colors of its owners, those of the Saudi flag. The day Messi wore it we would see something magical on the field, the fusion of everything he represents: football, marketing and moral desert.
But there is more. If it is true that now Messi’s goal is to maintain the level to be able to lead the Argentine national team in the Copa America, what better place than the most competitive league in the world? He has never played in the Premier League and succeeding in the country of the “English pirates”, the usurpers of the Falklands, is a challenge that would bring him even more glory in his native land.
Also, why not, it would bring joy to the long-suffering Newcastle fans, more needy even than Barça’s. Living there for a while would be a gesture of kindness more than enough to earn his place in heaven. Newcastle is not Barcelona. There is no sun, no beach and no GaudÃ. It’s a depressed, rainy, cold city with a soccer club that’s the only reason its people don’t succumb to the logic of collective suicide.
Founded in 1892 (40 years before Saudi Arabia), the north-east club in England is a traditional giant that has not won a major trophy since 1955. Suddenly, since the arrival of the wizards of ‘ Orient at the end of 2021, they go like a train. Today they are third in the Premier League. If Messi were to join, there would be a good chance that he could extend his streak of competing in the Champions League to 20 consecutive seasons.
And he would face a challenge that could excite him: contributing, for the first time since the creation of the Premier League in 1992, to a team with an English coach being proclaimed champion. Yes, that’s right. Two Scots, two Italians, one Portuguese, one French, one Spanish (or Catalan, if they prefer) and one Chilean have won. But never an Englishman.
The current Newcastle coach, Eddie Howe, was not born in Santpedor or Setúbal, but in Amersham, in the county of Buckinghamshire, north of London. He is one of the four English coaches in the Premier League. There were eight when the 2022-2023 League began, including famous former players such as Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard. The last to be fired was Graham Potter, on Sunday, after seven very sad months in charge of Chelsea.
The cliché is that the English are illiterate when it comes to football. Quite right, given the data. Wouldn’t it be a perverse taste for Messi to show that only with a great Argentine next to him is an Englishman capable of winning the Premier League? Wouldn’t it be another finger in the pirates’ wound and, moreover, another great trophy to round off his triumphant career? I don’t know how Messi’s mental processes operate. He may not even know. But – forgive me the culers – going to Newcastle looks like the perfect solution: they would pay him more than ever, he would raise the Argentine flag over the perfidious Albion and he would more than fulfill his mission as an evangelist of the sacred Saudi cause.
