The scene will be familiar. It’s dinner time at home. Pre-teen daughter does homework in her room. Or so it says. Through the closed door, their laughter escapes between the music that Alexa serves: Bad Bunny, Quevedo (hers), Rosalía in the best case… “Works” in multitasking with the Chromebook and the WhatsApp group of class 100% have their own mobile phone in 1st ESO. At the same time, the youngest (8 years old) watches an episode of Henry Danger for the umpteenth time on the Smart TV in the living room, connected to wireless headphones. In this home there are no consoles and, therefore, he has escaped Fortnite fever, but in others the father is more interested in instructing his heir in the art of shooting than in reviewing mathematics.
Meanwhile, the adults divide up the tasks: she cooks, he takes the clothes out of the dryer. Mobiles on the counter. “What’s for dinner?” The message to the family group is from the daughter, locked in her bunker less than ten meters away. “Leave the room and stop the table”, he replies. It is the fourth time that one of the parents repeats the order. The three previous messages have not reached their destination. Lots of noise, excessive isolation and technological barriers in the middle. Communication failed.
More than half of Spanish parents (52%) say that screens reduce their family time; 16% admit that they create daily problems in their home and a third (34%) that they create conflicts more than once a week, according to the annual report of the Qustodio parental control platform. “Screens interfere significantly in communication, and therefore in the relationship between parents and children,” explains clinical psychologist Gabriela Paoli.
It happens more often with young people between 11 and 14 years old. “If they answer you, they do so in monosyllables: they are either distracted by the device or pissed off because we took it out,” comments social media researcher Ferran Lalueza. It is what is known as phubbing: ignoring those around us to answer the mobile. Half of young people (55%) admit that they do it often.
But it’s our fault. We adults act just like them. In the next sequence, the same parents who have called attention to their children before dinner will bring their mobile phones to the table. If they get a notification, they’ll probably attend to it by claiming it’s important or “on the job” (spoiler: it’s a lie). They might even pick up their cell phone when they finish their plate and open the latest neotetris they’ve been addicted to. “I need to de-stress (sic)”, they will say. This is if the dinner does not coincide with a football match, since in this case the father’s attention will fluctuate between his interlocutors (ha!) and the television. “Family meals should be screen-free,” says Marta Gracia, educational psychologist at the UB. Every lunch and dinner is an occasion to share family time. And you have to take advantage of them, because they are not unlimited.
“Children connect to the internet at the age of 0”, warns Eduardo Cruz, director general of Qustodio. “The mobile phone is his digital pacifier”. From babies they develop a “dependent use” of the devices: they take their parents’ to watch Peppa Pig videos. From the age of 11 it is more complex, because they have a personal tool without having received education about its responsible use”, says Cruz.
Gabriela Paoli summarizes the problems raised by parents in her consultation on digital health. “It costs a lot for them to study or do their homework; some leave the extracurriculars because they get stuck or allege that the coach has a crush on them, but what happens is that they love being connected at home more; there is a great drop in the quality of sleep, something essential for young people because it affects their cognitive activity; they stop doing activities specific to their age, such as spending time outdoors with family and friends”.
Many of these episodes are the result of nomophobia, the irrational fear of being without a mobile phone. It affects 81% of Spaniards aged between 18 and 35. “There is less emotional connection in the family. Some children do not visit their grandparents because they are bored, and when they are forced to go, they sit on the sofa with their mobile phones and ignore the adults”.
Part of the problem is that we are still not aware of the extent to which technology is disrupting us: “Sometimes we don’t identify the abuse of screens as a conflicting habit because it is something difficult to measure. How do we make them understand what they are missing out on by being connected? It’s difficult, because they work by social mimicry: ‘if everyone is doing it, why not me?’ The Internet is the big black hole through which our time and our health escape”, reflects Paoli.
Eduardo Cruz observes that “we live in a technological bubble and it is difficult to leave it to devote exclusive time to family and friends. If children observe this behavior in their parents, they normalize it and integrate it into their everyday life. We need to be aware of this and not turn our backs on a problem present in many families”. The good news is that turning this situation around is in our hands. We may not get them to inherit our fondness for Tintin comics, but the screens can’t be beat. “As parents we have some basic goals: that our children grow up healthy, be good people and learn to live together in harmony. Today, in order to achieve these essential goals, it is necessary to educate in the use of technology”, reflects Cruz.
In parenting there are non-negotiable limits: don’t come home late; not consuming toxic substances, ignoring strangers… and not being glued to your cell phone all day. But the key is to preach by example: “Forget the screen and pay attention to your children. This always works”, concludes Gabriela Paoli.
