There was once a time, not too far away, when there were two ways to connect with people we were not close to: the telephone (what we now call “the landline”) and the letter. Now these media have become almost obsolete and we have devices, extensions of the human body called “mobiles”, which offer a very wide range of communication methods.
The funny thing is that today people have fewer friends and fewer partners than before. The more we have access to e-mails, text messages, video messages, video calls, social networks and applications such as Skype or Facetime, the lonelier we feel. We have reached the point where talking on the mobile, as we used to talk on the landline, is uncomfortable or strange. We are afraid that it will be understood as an unwanted intrusion into the lives of others.
A few days ago The Washington Post tried to come to the rescue with a list of rules for the protocol to follow with mobile calls.
First, unless you’re calling mom or someone you trust so much it’s (as my mom used to say) disgusting, always, always, text before you dial. This way you will establish the most convenient time to stay and you will feel the relief of knowing that you are not disturbing.
Second, if they call you without first showing you the basic courtesy of texting, don’t feel any pressure to answer. Guilt, zero. The caller, without further ado, is the rude one.
Third, if you call and they don’t answer, don’t leave a voicemail. If the person on the other end doesn’t want to hear you, it’s because they don’t want to hear you. Don’t start
Fourth, and in the same vein, alert with the message system not only by voice but by video, which Apple has just introduced with the iPhone. If feeling you is annoying, seeing you can lead to something approaching hatred.
The last rule in the American newspaper’s list seems to contradict the previous ones, but it’s the only one I agree with. “Phone calls are not dead!” he says. “They continue to be a wonderful way to communicate. Talking to a person in real time can strengthen relationships, improve mental health and reduce loneliness.”
Thank you, The Washington Post. A round of applause Now let’s review and correct these first four rules.
Sending a text message before calling is a sign of fear, in this case fear of crossing the barriers that people prioritize over intimacy. A shame, because privacy is a desirable thing. The text warning also means cooling the relationship with a friend, or an acquaintance you wish to get to know better, and reducing it to the status of a professional connection. As if you were arranging an appointment with the doctor, or with the Social Security office. No, if you want to make a call, make it. Spontaneity is good.
Moving on to the second rule, feeling no pressure to answer if you are called indicates disdain. Feeling some guilt for not doing so, on the other hand, indicates humanity. It is a sign of consideration for the neighbor. Don’t answer, of course, if you don’t want to, but not feeling even a little bit bad can suggest that you have psychopathic tendencies, that is, zero empathy for others.
Never leave a voicemail? error The voice conveys an extra emotion that the written word does not have. These messages can express warmth or a sense of humor or, when appropriate, anger or indignation. In any case, it means breaking down barriers and connecting, a good thing since humans are social animals. On the other hand, a voice message can communicate an urgent call from someone who needs help. My wallet was stolen, the cat disappeared, all the text in the column was deleted from my computer.
Video messages: I haven’t tried it yet, but I will because it must have its charm. I imagine it could be burdensome if it is a habit repeated throughout the day. Or irritating if the person in question makes weird faces. Or disconcerting if he starts to sing and dance with background music. But in principle, here we are. It will add to the fun. He will approach us.
I, perhaps because I remember the days before the iPhone, prefer to communicate on the phone using my ears and not my eyes. Besides, you don’t have to worry about how you wear your hair or how you’re dressed or undressed. But that’s just personal taste. Of more relevance, the question remains: Why did people feel less lonely when there were fewer ways to connect?
When there was only the landline, it was strange that you didn’t answer. The ring-ring aroused excitement. And one more letter. This seems to mean that connection with another human being was more valued. Today it is taken for granted. It has become routine. Bah, another message from WhatsApp, Facebook or Instagram to add to the thousands we receive every month.
And because it was difficult or slow to communicate by phone or letter, people went out more and saw real people. Now we have Zoom, Google Meet, etc. They represent progress, without a doubt. But I only use them when there is no other choice, for example, when I communicate with my aunt Irma (Miss Mexico 1957), who lives in Querétaro, or with my son when he spent a few months in Rwanda.
This week I traveled from Barcelona to Madrid returning the same day, more than five hours’ journey, to attend a work meeting with two people that lasted 50 minutes. I neither complain nor regret it. Seeing and hearing each other live and live, touching each other when appropriate, deepened the human connection, accelerated the budding friendship we are forging beyond the work we collaborate on and, not I doubt it, it inspired a creativity of ideas that we would not have reached if we had been forced to meet by Zoom. Three dimensions are better than two.
Silicon Valley gurus understand all of this. As we have read, they tend more and more to prohibit their children from using mobile phones for a large part of the day. It limits them in intellectual and affective development, consider those who invented them. And they are right. Needless to say, these qualitative leaps we have made in technology have meant a step back in quality of life. Once upon a time, not so far away, when we weren’t so stupid and we weren’t so alone.
