To break the rules, you must first know the rules. Therefore, if you want to create ebooks (and descriptions of them) capable of holding a reader’s attention, it’s useful to know the rules you’ll need to follow to bore them silly.
So, here’s how to bore readers.
Write 10 Words When Five Are Enough
If your goal is to make a reader nod into a drunken stupor, use way more words than necessary to convey your every thought. Let’s say an idea can be expressed in five words, but with the liberal usage of adjectives, prepositions and modifiers you can easily stretch the sentence into 10, 12 or even 15 words. Go for it! They’ll be snoring in no time.
Describe Every Single Aspect of Every Single Thing — in Excruciating Detail
Drilling down as deeply into a subject as you can is better than prescribing a double dose of Restoril when you need to turn out a reader’s lights. Providing vivid descriptions of every aspect of each detail will eviscerate the attention span of even the most ardent reader. You’ll overwhelm them with information and make them completely forget your main point. This is a surefire recipe for creating a boring read.
Rather Than Saying Something Once, Say It Over and Over and Over Again
Repetition is the mother of tedium, which makes it an outstanding tool for inciting boredom. When it comes to employing this technique, there are a number of tried and true methods of implementation. Beginning each sentence in every paragraph with the same word will get you off to a magnificent start.
Additionally, rather than trusting your reader to get your points in one pass, find at least two or three different ways to make each one. String them all together in a single paragraph to accomplish the maximum effect. Then, just to be on the safe side, revisit each point a paragraph or two later so you can make sure you’ve achieved the utmost in monotony.
Provide Facts, Facts and More Facts
To avoid selling ebooks, it’s very important to deliver every scintilla of information you find about each of your facts—all at once. When it comes to knocking a reader flat on their back, delivering excessive facts is the literary equivalent of applying a Louisville Slugger to the cranium like Barry Bonds did to baseballs to eclipse Hank Aaron’s home run record.
Avoid Using Everyday Down to Earth Language
What’s the point of all those student loans it took to get your English degree if you fail to overstuff sentences with multi-syllable words? This will make it take four times longer to read your book—which is cool, because everybody has too much time on their hands these days anyway.
Pro Tip: When you’re trying to instill boredom, use the most obscure words you can find in the thesaurus. After all, readers can now look up their meanings by touching them on their mobile devices.
What’s more, you’ll be singularly responsible for raising the level of discourse in popular culture—if anyone bothers reading what you wrote. Which, if you’re successful at achieving a sufficient concentration of dullness, isn’t really a concern at all.
Learning how to bore readers is a pretty simple process. Start with a dull subject, write way too much about it, using words few people understand and you’ll be inducted into the Boring Writers’ Hall of Fame in very short order.
Wait, is this the first time you’ve ever heard of that distinction?
It’s a rather crowded fraternity, and the membership roster can be found quite easily. Just look at the bottom of Amazon’s sales rankings.
They’re all there.
