They are responsible and obedient girls, they make little noise at home and do not cause problems at school. They look like real “little dolls” and their environment praises them for how educated they are. Over time they grow and become women who carry an unbearable burden. They become hyper-demanding of themselves and find it difficult to set limits. They do not tolerate criticism, they constantly apologize and it is impossible for them to say no. This behavioral disorder, known as the good girl syndrome, is what psychologist Mireia Rodríguez, a specialist in trauma, attachment and bonds, develops in her first book.
Although the syndrome can affect anyone, it occurs mostly in women. Many suffer from it without even being aware of it. It is characterized by a series of behaviors aimed at pleasing others, often at the expense of one’s own desires and needs, without considering the possible consequences. There are many patterns in our lives that we have normalized; that they speak badly to us or not set limits because I think I don’t deserve it or because it scares me,” Rodríguez explains to La Vanguardia. How to Stop Being a Good Girl (Molino) is a guide designed to identify these patterns and reconnect with the girl of the past to better understand the woman of today.
What is a ‘good girl’?
He is a person who is accommodating to others, who is always willing, who does not set limits, who agrees to everything. She is the one you see and say, ‘Wow, what a willing person she always is.’
How is this syndrome detected?
You see the trend in people because they come precisely because of that discomfort. Many times they suffer from anxiety in their daily lives and you realize that at work they always stay late because they have to comply with the boss and they do not say no to the colleague who asks them to assume a responsibility that does not belong to them. With their friends, they are the typical ones who always listen to their friends’ dramas and support the group. They do not usually express what they feel to their partners and they let the other take them, the same in their family. They let everything happen and there comes a point where they collapse.
Does it affect people of any age?
Any age. There are people who feel the discomfort before others. It happens to many of our grandmothers, people who have grown up with the slogan ‘you are a woman and as a woman you have to be there for others’. It is something that has been instilled at a social level. It is a pattern that is created. They tell you what a ‘good girl’ should be: the one who does her homework, the one who behaves well, the one who doesn’t give up, the one who takes care of everyone’s things. The ‘bad girl’, on the other hand, is the one who sets limits, the one who gets angry, the one who doesn’t do her homework, the one who gives parents the most headaches. Messages are absorbed not only from caregivers, but also from society. It’s not that something suddenly happens to you and you develop good girl syndrome. It’s something you drag.
Can the satisfaction that comes from external validation become an addiction?
Of course yes, because in some way you have learned that this is how you are accepted or how you are loved. If you do what others want you to do and everyone says, ‘how fabulous you are’ or ‘how good you are’, then in the end you understand that your value lies in what you are doing. It is a position that is difficult to get away from. It also accompanies a tendency to censor yourself, to not express what you feel. Because if I tell you how I feel, or at least try to listen to myself, I may have to set a limit and say ‘no, not that way’.
In the case of siblings raised by the same parents and in a similar environment, how can one develop the syndrome and the other not?
The thing is, parents don’t behave the same way with all their children. Maybe one makes more noise because he needs more attention and is ‘the bad one’. The other, to compensate for the fact that his mother is fed up with him who doesn’t study, starts studying. This behavior is reinforced when they congratulate him and tell him ‘how well you behave.’ That’s where the difference is created. They are the same parents but there is not the same dynamic between them, neither between siblings, nor in relation to their uncles or grandparents or at school. Each one creates their own environment.
If left untreated, can it cause physical discomfort?
Completely. I mention it in the book. Many people with this syndrome eventually tend to cancel out what is happening inside them, but the emotion does not disappear. It stays there, especially the anger. It remains entrenched within all the times I have not expressed myself, all the times I have remained silent. It stays inside and manifests itself, for example, in the form of belly pain, the typical gastroenteritis that so many women have, or joint pain. That contained anger is very heavy. You see it in many women with psychosomatic illnesses: they repress their emotions, they leave everything inside. And when you don’t destroy outwardly because you’re afraid, then you destroy inwardly.
You give an example in the book with some garbage bags. First I pick up my mother’s garbage bag, then my father’s, my friend’s, and in the end I keep all that garbage that doesn’t belong to me. Could a characteristic of people who suffer from the syndrome be a tendency toward loneliness? As their bonds become a physical and emotional burden…
Well yes, it’s a good way to look at it. But, however, there is also a lot of need for that environment. You can reach a point of collapse and say ‘I need to change the battery, I’m completely isolating myself’, and then repeat the cycle. They are like two extremes: either a lot of people or no people. But of course your value comes from others, it is not in you. You need the other.
You write: “You recognize yourself as a hyper-empathetic person who understands his environment. But when faced with the emotions of others, you always end up feeling guilty or responsible. That position leaves you in a fragile place, since, when you merge with the emotions of others, you distance yourself from yourself. I’m sorry to tell you that that’s not empathy.”
Of course, that’s not empathy. This is that you have no limits and you end up assuming the other’s conflict because you assume that you cannot solve it, because you also put yourself in the role of savior a bit when you are a good girl. You end up taking responsibility, taking charge or saving the other person from their things. Both when feeling guilt and responsibility, it is not that I am being empathetic with the other, it is that I want to remove the discomfort that the other person is burdening me with.
How does it affect when bonding with a partner?
A pattern repeats itself in all areas of your life. Your partner is the person with whom you share the most things about yourself in adult life. Maybe the good girl is the one who keeps everything to herself and is in charge of saving the other, the one who is always interested in knowing how you are, but ‘don’t ask me’. It is very difficult to open with someone who has this lock. If I open up then you are going to consider me annoying or a burden, because it is better not to show you anything. I help you and I will help myself.
As a psychologist active on social media, have you seen an increase in self-diagnoses due to the amount of mental health content being spread? Content that also does not always come from professional sources.
Yes and it’s scary. It is a gem that we can all express ourselves, but it is a double-edged sword. I have seen atrocities in networks of untrained people offering twenty-week trauma healing courses. No, it doesn’t go like that. Things that sometimes you say ‘how scary’. The issue of self-diagnosis too. So much information is given that people end up grouping themselves into A, B or C. We like to classify ourselves to put a little order in our heads, but I believe that we are much more than that. It is what is interesting and complex about the human being.
Why did you decide to include exercises in the book?
I think it is interesting, it makes it dynamic and you complement the reading. I didn’t want to make a super difficult book. I wanted it to be a relatable voice, not super technical or explanatory. One becomes super technical because in technical terms there is no error, I started like that for fear of not doing it well, but then I realized that that was not my voice.
Do you receive many queries on your social networks?
I get many questions but in the end I cannot answer as a psychologist, it would be negligent and irresponsible on my part. If I only read a text but I don’t know anything about you or your environment, I can only respond as a friend.
Is it necessary to go to a therapist to stop being a good girl?
There are many patterns in our lives that we have normalized; that they speak badly to us or not setting limits because I think I don’t deserve it or because it scares me. We have normalized them so much that we don’t see them. So maybe in therapy I explain what’s happening to me and there’s a person who tells me ‘hey, this isn’t normal.’ My environment is not going to tell me. We always need an external professional perspective to help us see the contrast of what we are normalizing in our lives. In the book there are exercises to do a little introspection, there will be those who find it more difficult and there will be those who cannot do them. It’s a start
