An essential pillar of mental health is emotional and psychological well-being, which refers to the ability we have to experience and sustain our feelings and emotions in a healthy way. And that entails recognizing them and addressing them in pursuit of emotional balance.
Fortunately, we are increasingly aware of the importance of making visible and attending to the emotional dimension. The one in which the emotions and feelings that emerge in us on a daily basis reside. Schools are a reflection of this because, already at an early age, they familiarize boys and girls with their emotions. They are helped to identify and name the basic emotions they are experiencing. Educational support goes hand in hand with emotional support and this is undoubtedly something both in the school environment and in the family environment.
Nowadays, parents are increasingly aware of the value of our sons and daughters’ emotions. We try to take them into account and give them space so that they can be expressed and welcomed. However, this has not always been the case. Many of us grew up in an environment that minimized their importance, invalidated them, judged them, or associated emotional expression with weakness. Messages like “don’t cry, it’s not a big deal!”, “you’re too old to cry now,” “don’t get like that because of that nonsense…!” or “look how brave he is, he fell and didn’t cry at all!
Our fathers and mothers did the best they could and knew how in line with the circumstances of the moment. It is likely that, in the context of that moment, there were other priorities that needed more attention than emotions. Although current consciousness contrasts with the past, the relationship with our emotions often carries the weight of those experiences.
This has influenced the relationship that, as adults, we have established with our feelings and with the difficulty we may have in connecting with it. The emotional dimension is, for some, a little explored terrain and, for others, a totally unknown terrain. We are afraid to look inward for fear of what we might find. When faced with the unknown, we tend to think of the worst. A tendency that wants to protect us, but at the same time prevents us from knowing what feelings and emotions reside within us and require our attention.
When we experience a situation that causes us emotional discomfort and/or suffering, we often tend to tiptoe or, directly, avoid connecting with it. Emotional discomfort emerges when we experience feelings, emotions and/or thoughts that hurt us and/or that generate inner restlessness. Perhaps it is due to conflict with someone, the illness of a loved one, a separation, a loss, life dissatisfaction…
Avoidance is a wonderful coping strategy that allows us, on the one hand, to remain functional, that is, to continue carrying out our responsibilities or tasks without the emotional getting in the way. If this happened, we would possibly fall apart and have a hard time getting back together. On the other hand, avoidance can also inform us that we are not yet ready to come into contact with those painful feelings and emotions. We need more time to prepare and hence we park them. It is then when we focus more on doing than on feeling. In this way, we try to keep the mind busy and distracted so that it does not come into contact with feelings. For example, we spend more hours at work, play more sports, tidy the house from top to bottom, or stay active in any other way.
However, it is not advisable to turn avoidance into a constant habit because, without realizing it, it can end up being a source of suffering in itself. Even if we avoid connecting with what hurts, we will not make it disappear. It is still present even though we do not look at it. By focusing on doing to distract ourselves from feeling, we run the risk of progressively disconnecting from ourselves.
It could be said, then, that we seek to be well by avoiding connecting with what makes us feel bad. However, what we will end up achieving is that the emotional discomfort gains intensity. Emotions and feelings ask to be heard, attended to and expressed and this is what self-care consists of. In looking inward, not even from time to time, to pay attention to the emotionality that emerges in us every day. Paying attention, especially, to what emerges when faced with those situations that do not leave us indifferent and that we feel touch us or move us.
Let’s open ourselves to this process of emotional self-care with curiosity and kindness. Gonzalo Brito, clinical psychologist, reminds us that “oneself is the first other with whom we need to begin to develop a caring relationship.” Ultimately, exploring our emotional world will allow us to find a healthy balance between doing and feeling.
Have you ever been in the doing to avoid feeling?
Maria Rufino is a doctor in Psychology.
