You might have the opportunity to speak to your parents at holiday gatherings about financial issues such as estate planning and long-term care. This may be especially true if you don’t see your parents often or if these holidays are your first time being together since the pandemic.
These discussions can go horribly wrong. Amy Goyer, AARP’s National Family and Caregiving Expert, suggests that a careful preparation, the right approach, and a respectful attitude can help you and your family deal with potentially difficult topics without ruining the holiday.
She says that it would be ideal for families to talk about issues related with aging “early and often”. It is easier to talk about topics that are more abstract or theoretical than those that are immediate and tangible. Talking about how to pay assisted living or home health aides may be easier if the topic is hypothetical than if your parent is actually in hospital or has fallen down the stairs.
Goyer states, “Finances can be hard to talk about and even more difficult in a crisis.”
According to a Harris Poll and Edward Jones, financial services firm Edward Jones published an October study that found that most Americans have difficulty discussing financial topics with their families. Avoiding family conflicts (22%), avoiding financial burdening family members (20%) and not being uncomfortable discussing these topics (18%) are the top concerns.
These steps will help you talk to your parents about money.
FIRST, CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE
Goyer is irritated when people say they have to “parent their parents”, as she finds the expression disrespectful. She says that a condescending or superior attitude towards your parents or telling them what to do will only make the conversation more difficult.
Goyer states, “Even if your role has changed, you are still their child and they deserve your respect.”
Instead, do your research ahead of time so that you can present options to your parents and not just issue orders. They might be able sell their investments or tap into their home equity to help pay for a nursing facility stay if they don’t have long term care insurance. You could help them to use estate planning software, or locate an estate planning attorney if they don’t have any advanced directives or other estate planning documents. You can offer to set up automatic payments, take over bill payment, or find a daily cash manager for a fee.
Goyer states, “The point of it all is that they get what they want — and their wishes will be respected.”
FOCUS ON YOUR FEELINGS
Your family’s dynamics will determine how you approach the topic. You could mention that you have read an article or seen something on TV on the topic, or that similar planning is underway for you.
Goyer states that an indirect approach can be more effective for some people. “For others, they will see right through your actions and be mad that you are indirect.”
Use the approach that you feel will be most effective with your parents. Regardless of how you bring it up in the beginning, move quickly to getting your parents’ perspectives. Listening is more important than talking, especially in the beginning.
Goyer suggests asking them questions about their feelings regarding finances, housework, driving, or other aspects of life. Do they ever feel unsafe? Are they ever afraid?
You could ask her the question as a question like: “Do you ever feel like it might be helpful to you to accomplish that?”
Consider asking follow-up questions. Paraphrasing what is being said to you can show that you are actively listening. Goyer states that people who feel heard are less likely be defensive and more open to hearing what you have to share.
Goyer suggests using “I” statements if your parents aren’t bothered by the situation.
Goyer states, “Never begin anything with, You have to,” Instead, use the words “I’m worried about” or “I want to help.” Your role is to support them.
PREPARE TO ABANDONSHIP
This support can include staying calm when your parents become angry, afraid, or sad. You might find your parents embarrassed by their financial situation, anxious about the future, or resistant to the idea that they need help. Goyer suggests that you acknowledge these feelings, even though they may not agree with your view.
Goyer states, “If they feel insecure or angry about the idea of a shift — are afraid at the thought — validate these feelings.” Change is difficult.
However, be ready to drop the topic, at least temporarily, if tensions persist.
Goyer states that while discussing money is fine for some, it can ruin the holiday for others. “Maybe the holiday’s when we observe and then we plan to talk about it later.”
Citation: A Harris Poll survey was conducted between August 12-16th, 2021 among 2,020 U.S. adults aged 18 and over. The results were adjusted to reflect the actual population proportions.
This article is intended to give background information only and should not be interpreted as legal advice.
