How many people have you seen die?
More than 10,000. When we realize that death is coming, we tend to examine our life according to our beliefs. People want to end well, to make peace with their lives.
How would you like it to end?
I would like to be able to say goodbye, to say: “Thank you, I’m sorry, I forgive you and I love you”, but since you are not guaranteed to be able to say it, it is better not to wait until you are on your deathbed. Better do it today.
What have you learned accompanying so many people in this trance?
That life is a gift, that nothing is predictable, every moment counts and it is important to be present, to be aware. And that being nice to others is never a mistake.
How should fear be overcome?
Physical pain is easier to treat; emotional suffering you need to help express it, give the person the tools they need.
Do they exist?
There is a personal fear: what will it be like, what will happen to me; and the fear of consequences for your loved ones. I don’t have an answer to what happens after death, but I can guarantee that before they die people are relaxed.
In our society, just mentioning death causes us anxiety.
Because it is not talked about, and that makes it unknown. We think about death, but we don’t talk about it.
You have helped rich and poor die in hospitals and hospices.
When the time comes what is obvious is that things don’t matter, only the love of those around you, the feeling of belonging.
Not everyone has a family.
We are increasingly individualistic. We are in the eye of the hurricane of an epidemic of loneliness that is a real challenge.
What do you think of?
There is an international movement called compassion groups that offer support to sick or elderly people who live alone and organize activities for them.
Great topic.
I also like the program in the Netherlands where young students share a flat with older people, pay very low rent and keep them company.
What led you to dedicate yourself to working with people near death?
I was an oncologist working in a large cancer center and I realized that I was most interested in those patients whose time was scarce and precious.
Do atheists suffer more?
Who has it worse is the one who is in a gray area, who believes there is a god but is not sure, who believes there may be a future life but doubts it…
Is being agnostic the worst thing?
At the time of dying it is not very recommendable.
How to deal with existential suffering?
The solution is to find a way to be in the present, focused on the now and on you, an idea that all religions share.
We want to appreciate every moment of our life, but this blocks a lot.
It is very difficult, only when we look back can we distinguish the crucial moments. Life is not always happy, but it makes us happy to be truly aware that we are alive.
Have you had a good time with the evicted?
Wonderful, dying people often radiate love and humor. They have nothing left to prove or lose and are more willing to forgive and be condescending about mistakes.
How many people have you accompanied who have seen the light at the end of the tunnel?
I particularly remember the case of a gentleman who had no fear of dying because he said he knew what awaited him.
…
His twin sister died when he was 16, they were very close, and it devastated him. Thirty years later he had a very serious accident that left him in a coma and had the tunnel experience. On the other side, in a beautiful field, he went up a path and found a fence, there his sister was waiting for him.
Does this story still excite you?
Yes, it makes me cry. The sister looked the same age as him. When he wanted to go through the fence, she told him no, he had to go back. He was very disappointed, he wanted to stay there, but he woke up in the hut.
And lost fear forever?
When I met him he told me that he knew his sister was waiting for him. I had no fear. I feel emotional, but the fact is that I have many stories of this type and in all of them there is joy for the reunion, sorrow for having to return to life and hope for what awaits.
Do we all have a pending conversation?
Yes, and we always delay it; from my experience I advise you not to do it, life and death are unpredictable.
