Anger is a natural and common emotion that we all experience in our daily lives. It is often attributed a certain negative connotation due to the manifestations of irritability or aggressiveness that can accompany it. However, as with all emotions, it is essential to understand what is behind it, the causes that have generated it and thus be able to properly address it. Learning to manage anger in a healthy way prevents damage to our relationships and emotional well-being.
This emotion can arise in response to situations perceived as unfair, hurtful, frustrating, or threatening. It allows us to protect ourselves and establish limits when we feel vulnerable, and gives us drive and strength to defend ourselves and rebel against what causes us frustration or rejection. Despite this, painful feelings can hide behind that strength.
It’s as if anger acts like a curtain that needs to be pulled back in order to see what’s behind it. For example, we may experience anger at someone close to us, such as our partner, family member, or friend, because we have felt offended, questioned, ignored, or misunderstood. However, it is more frequent and it is easier for us to express anger than to identify and connect with what has really hurt us.
Anger is usually an immediate reaction and sometimes acts as a kind of emotional shield that protects us from showing our vulnerability or the emotional pain we experience. In other words, anger covers up pain. It may also happen that we are worried, tired and/or stressed and our way of releasing it is through anger towards others.
Instead of expressing what worries us or how tired we feel, we choose to get angry at the person closest to us. Unfortunately, this is an unhealthy but common way to release our discomfort. Perhaps, we could avoid more than one anger if we communicated more openly and emotionally.
Often, we tend to resort to reproaches and attacks instead of conveying our feelings and emotions. This pattern can arise from the fear or shame we feel about being vulnerable, leading us to choose to attack or even avoid communication altogether. Furthermore, to open ourselves emotionally, it is essential to feel that the other person is willing to listen and that they will know how to receive what we are going to express. That is, if we perceive that our feelings are going to be judged or ignored, it is likely that we will decide not to express them and/or use reproaches and attacks in communication.
In this context, emotional communication involves expressing to the other person how we felt when they said or did something to us that affected us. It is about opening a space for dialogue where we can express our emotions, hoping that the other person picks them up in an understanding and respectful way. This way we avoid accumulating the emotional discomfort that may arise, and that, at some point, ends up exploding in the form of anger. When we do not express what has affected us, we run the risk of turning it into resentments that gain in intensity as time passes.
We can, for example, experience anger towards someone due to their behavior, and express it through accusations and reproaches such as: “you only think about yourself” or “you go your own way.” However, through emotional communication we convey how we have felt: “I have felt ignored and that has hurt me” or “when I talk to you I do not feel heard and that generates frustration.”
In this way, we give voice and visibility to our feelings, allowing us to express them directly, without having to mask them with anger or hide them behind silence. By doing so, we provide the opportunity for the other person to understand how we have felt due to their behavior or attitude and thus generate that space for dialogue.
To cultivate this type of communication, it is necessary to explore if there is something else behind our anger, that is, identify possible underlying feelings. We can reflect and ask ourselves questions like: “Is there any other feeling or emotion before anger?” or “I’m angry, but are there any other feelings that are also present?” Identifying and recognizing these feelings will help us, first of all, to understand ourselves and will make it easier for us to communicate them to the other person, thus avoiding anger loaded with reproaches and attacks.
Emotional communication allows us to create an environment of trust with the other person, which strengthens our connection with them. It helps us recognize and express our feelings, giving them a space to be shared, thus encouraging listening and mutual understanding.
