How can I improve my communication with others?
When you talk to another person, everything you say to them passes through the filter of their frame of reference, their preconceived ideas and their biases.
And what I said?
From what you have said, what remains is, ultimately, the message that person understands.
That’s how we go.
Learning to communicate makes it easier to interact with others.
Friction stirs passion…and conflict.
We call ourselves role models for what is right or wrong; we spend too much time inside our heads instead of listening to the other.
Suspend judgment, I understand.
The worst thing you can do is think you know it all. This not listening is a huge problem, I see it in whole nations! Let’s ask ourselves why people act the way they do.
Why are there so many misunderstandings?
It is necessary to contextualize what the other person says, to go beyond their words. And for that you need to pay a lot of attention, but let’s not stop paying attention, let’s think about what we will say next.
Sometimes you try to reason with someone and it ends in shouting.
When I find myself in a conflict, I try to know how much I have contributed to this conflict. Have I acted correctly and done the best that could be done? Did I really listen?
Why doesn’t the message we want to convey come through?
We must ensure that the interlocutor does not take the message personally, improve our expression, be assertive.
He has been studying behavior for years. What did you understand?
One day I saw an idiot in the mirror. When my life was chaotic and full of problems, the most revealing insight I had was realizing that I was my own role model, something that was not helping me. I had to meet myself, delete the auto reply.
what happened to him
I was given my first managerial position in my early twenties and I did everything so badly, I would have fired myself.
Don’t be so self-demanding, man.
The HR department called me to propose that I take a personality test that involved asking others how they saw me.
Wow, how scary.
They said that he talked too much, that he didn’t listen, that he was heavy, that he thought he knew everything, that he had too big an ego… He didn’t fit very well, and I thought he did!
I’m sorry.
This happened more than 30 years ago and I continue to study myself to be able to interact better with others, because I understood that I needed better social skills and improve my communication.
And did you specialize in interpreting behavioral patterns?
Yes. I developed for their application the DISC system, which stands for Dominance, Influence, Stability and Compliance. Patterns of behavior that describe to us how people communicate, and thus we increase the quality of our relationships.
And did you associate each pattern with a color?
Along with qualities and strategies. There are the Reds, dominant, extroverted, ambitious, fast, competitive.
Perfect for organizing teams.
Yes, but they can become domineering, strict and difficult to deal with. They tend to give strong hugs and look you in the eye. Yellows are spontaneous, positive, creative and optimistic.
His flaw?
They don’t stop talking, they don’t leave space. Greens are introverted, patient, empathetic and kind, but they are indecisive and stubborn. Blues are methodical, analytical, but their critical thinking can turn into suspicion and questioning.
Only four for all mankind?
Four primordial patterns that can be combined in 90,000 ways, it’s like an algorithm.
Are we able to change?
Changing others is impossible, changing oneself is difficult; you need willpower and a strong enough why, but it’s habits that move you forward.
What surprises you most about human behavior?
How stupid we can be even though we are smart.
And what is the best antidote?
Being a hermit for thirty years and then returning to society. It’s a joke. I would tell him to surround himself with people who lift him up, who activate his energy, because you become the average of the five people most present in your life.
