The type of relationship we have with our parents or guardians when we are young and the care they provide us at this stage significantly influence how we relate to each other and how we manage our emotions in adulthood. Thus, we develop our type of attachment, the way we relate to others.
The psychologist Mary Ainsworth and the psychiatrist John Bowlby developed the attachment theory, specifying that there are four types. The first of these is secure attachment, while it is followed by three other types of attachment marked by insecurity: avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, and disorganized attachment. The latter could be considered the most complex and infrequent of all and precisely for this reason it is convenient to know what it consists of, in order to identify its influence on our personal relationships.
Disorganized attachment is the most extreme insecure attachment style and is the result of a childhood marked by abuse – verbal, physical or sexual – and trauma. If when he was little his parents hit him, yelled at him or responded unpredictably to the child’s behavior and needs, he will grow up conditioned by a disorganized attachment, with many insecurities and not knowing how to manage his own emotions.
Mariana Bockarova, a researcher at the University of Toronto, explains in an article published in Psychology Today that the consequences of this situation are twofold. On the one hand, the child sees his safety betrayed. On the other, she understands that a parental or caregiving figure can become a serious threat. “At this point, the child learns that the attachment figure—whom she loves and who is responsible for her safety—is also someone to fear,” she adds.
The person with disorganized attachment grows up with marked insecurities, without knowing how to manage or understand their own emotions, which are often the opposite. Consequently, he behaves erratically and contradictoryly. “People who attach in a disorganized way oscillate between two biological drives whenever the opportunity to attach arises in life: the need to belong (love and connect with others) and the need to survive (protect oneself),” she notes. the specialist.
In romantic relationships, these people often feel fear and anxiety, in addition to carrying a strong negative conception of themselves. They experience intense loneliness, because they need to connect with someone, but at the same time this generates fear and stress. It is then when they act erratically and push away possible connections, moved by those feelings of rejection.
The dichotomy of disorganized attachment is that these people want to love, feel safe, understood, and connect with another person. But that process is jarring for them, and their feelings are clouded by negative emotions. “Even though people with a disorganized attachment style want to connect, they walk away, see signs of rejection where none exists, and develop a self-fulfilling prophecy: They act in ways that protect themselves from rejection and hurt,” says Mariana Bockarova.
