From the time we are little, fairy tales and princesses set in us clear expectations about romance: they lived happily ever after. Fantastic stories and romantic comedies show us perfect relationships, where there is no room for heartbreak. To this is added, in addition, social networks. A limitless showcase of seemingly perfect couples head over heels in love.
All of this pushes the collective imagination to approach love relationships from an excessively demanding and unrealistic prism. This, far from feeding our illusion, is a trap to establish healthy bonds. This is supported by psychotherapist Ruth Bettelheim, in the article “How fairy tales prepare us for the failure of a relationship”, published in Psychology Today.
Bettelheim argues that compared to such idyllic stories, our own romantic lives seem lackluster and lonely. Because of peer pressure, our standards, and sentimentality, we judge our relationships or lack thereof too harshly, feeling like failures.
“The more we expect our lives to reflect the fairy tale, the less we are able to see what our experiences really teach us, or to progress towards a passionate and lasting love,” notes the psychotherapist. She emphasizes that we often imagine that we will find a perfect match and be happily ever after. But the reality is quite different. “The path to true romantic success does not lead to another ideal person.”
Instead, the author of the article argues that we must focus on ourselves and develop our own abilities to choose the right people, form intimate bonds and maintain mutually satisfying relationships. Now, no one is born with these skills, we must learn them.
The psychotherapist defends that, just as we learn to talk or walk, we must learn to love through trial and error, however painful it may be. We learn from our mistakes and, in this way, we get to know ourselves, our needs and how we should care for others.
“Overcoming the pitfalls and heartaches of life and relationships can, over time, help develop the inner strength, self-confidence, and equanimity necessary for lasting love, as long as we can see them as opportunities for growth, in place of debilitating failures”, adds Ruth Bettelheim. In turn, she stresses that the fear of failure often paralyzes our development as an intimate couple.
Finally, the psychotherapist proposes a new standard to measure the success of relationships or breakups. According to her theory, a failed relationship is not one that ends, but one that persists beyond its expiration date, resulting in unhappy and resentful people. For her, success lies in the fact that both people have made each other happy, at least for a while, and are better people once the union ends.
