The types of attachment are the way that humans have to relate to our social circle or with our sentimental partner. These are behaviors that are largely determined by the emotional education received in childhood and that we unconsciously transfer to our relationships in adult life. Avoidant attachment is, according to the attachment theory of Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, adopted by people with strict caregivers or absent parents who have adopted a noticeable suspicion about their privacy that makes them afraid of commitment.
People with avoidant attachment tend, paradoxically, to enter into loving relationships with anxiously attached subjects, who are characterized by fear of rejection and abandonment. These types of relationships are in danger of stagnating, among other reasons, due to the feeling of invasion in which the avoidant is entrenched. But how can I help my partner if he suffers from this type of attachment? Your willpower will be key to breaking with the dynamics that weigh down the relationship and learning to take emotional responsibility for your behavior.
Despite being in love, evasive people walk away when they perceive that the relationship is becoming more intimate. Those who end up in a relationship end up doing everything possible to prevent the relationship from progressing, by preventing, for example, making friends with their family or friends or showing you their deepest feelings. These people tend to distance themselves when they feel overwhelmed and return on their own after their particular stress has been reduced, which translates into constant comings and goings even in long and certainly stable relationships.
Arguments, control mechanisms and, in general, everything for which the person with avoidant attachment believes that their freedom and independence may be threatened, will cause them to move away, according to the expert psychologist in couple relationships, Gabriela Fernández. , on his blog. What should you do then in the face of this reaction? Just wait and respect their times.
As much as your needs for intimacy and affection suffer, the worst thing you can do is look for, beg or follow your partner in the short term. In this way, you will avoid entering a loop, for which she will once again feel overwhelmed and increase her need to distance herself. The best thing you can do in this space of time is to worry about what is in your power: learn to manage your own emotions and take care of yourself.
Just like your partner needs time to come back calm and quiet, you also have the opportunity to grow emotionally and personally. In the moments in which the fear of abandonment, rejection or disconnection in the couple overwhelms you, you should practice some hobby or activity that helps you relax. Concentrating on what brings you happiness beyond your partner has a double objective: learning to heal your own emotional wounds and when it returns to avoid anxious attachment behaviors that cause it to overwhelm.
If your partner has the requested space, they will end up coming back on their own feet and it will be time to have a conversation. Try to understand the reasons that have led him to move away and express yourself assertively when it is your turn, without demands or reproaches. From then on, you must base the continuity of the relationship on agreements and limits that favor a change in behavior. To do this, you must begin by respecting your partner’s individuality, and your partner must learn to tolerate the closeness and intimacy inherent in a loving relationship. This will surely be a slow process, but valuable, if you take advantage of it to overcome your fears and treat yourself with greater emotional responsibility.
