It is said that today relationships without commitment are imposed, the so-called liquid love, a concept that refers to the tendency to seek relationships without commitment, marked by individualism and little affective responsibility. Dating apps, new technologies or a hyper-accelerated pace of life play in favor of all of this, and it also plays its role in relationships that have lasted a long time. Getting bored, losing desire or falling into discouragement is easy, as specialists in the field explain.
According to Marina Castro, a psychologist specializing in sexology and couples therapist, the reason for many is emotional disconnection. Reconnecting one day a year -whether on Valentine’s Day, Sant Jordi, or on a birthday- is of little use. You have to work on the relationship day by day if you want it to be rich and lasting.
You have to understand the different phases of relationships, you say. How does all this start?
At first there is attraction, which has to do with morbidity and sexual attraction. It is very subjective, and for a person the attraction can be generated by hands, a look, the intellect… Perhaps the vital attitude is attractive. Many things can attract us; for tastes, colors. Next comes falling in love, a temporary obsessive disorder.
In this phase of falling in love, what happens to us inside? This has been studied…
There is an idealization of the other that defines the feeling. The brain works as if you had taken cocaine, as demonstrated by a study by psychologist Arthur Aron of New York University, based on a tomography of the brain. That’s why there’s a point of unreality when you’re in love, you don’t really see.
Physiological reactions that it provokes in us have been described…
There is an alteration of the body: if the other person approaches, you get goosebumps, you have hypersensitivity, you cannot sleep, you lose your appetite, you are euphoric, there are obsessive thoughts towards the other… There is a very brutal neurochemical rise. Logically, this initial stage has a short duration, we could not live in a constant state of hypersensitivity and euphoria.
You say that we don’t talk so much because it’s not so common, but there is also friendly falling in love…
It’s when you meet a person with no pretensions to being a couple, without a big crush: he’s someone you like, you start dating and from the start it seems like it’s going to be a friendship, but something happens that changes your gaze from one to the other. Someone may comment: “Ah! Aren’t you together? Well, you would make a very good couple.” You laugh, and the idea has already been formed; perhaps the flirtation begins. it is much softer, because being a person we already know from before, we cannot idealize her.
How long does the falling in love phase last?
It depends on the intensity of the relationship. If after a week you are living together, three weeks later the crush has passed: you can no longer idealize the other person, because you already live with them. If you have a long-distance relationship and see each other three times a year, you can continue falling in love for ten years because you don’t really know the ugly part of the other, so idealization is not broken. In a standard relationship of two people seeing each other several times a week, it can take one to two years for this initial phenomenon to wear off. When the crush ends is when most relationships end.
When falling in love passes, how does what we feel evolve?
The chemical effect of falling in love is passing, and from there it is really when the other is deeply known. In the first year of relationship the members of the couple are high. That is why we can say that this relationship time does not count, the relationship begins when the crush has passed and the other is really a person with whom you fit in, there is a reciprocal choice.
The next is the phase of love…
Love is built little by little and has a lot to do with accepting the other as it is. I know you, with your defects and your virtues, and I want to be with you. It is a much deeper feeling and one that requires a deep knowledge of the other. In a week there cannot be deep love, and it does not mean that it cannot be built: when love begins is when the relationship really begins.
And how is it done, to maintain love?
It is necessary to maintain love with a good state of the relationship. If you ask a person how to keep friends, they always know how to make the list: talk a few times a week, see each other, be by their side if they are sick, accompany them to the doctor… They are very clear about it. If you ask them what to do to maintain a relationship, they have no idea. You have to explain explicitly: “The time to clean the house or go to the supermarket does not count as couple time, nor does the fact that you are watching TV together every night.”
Is it the reason why many relationships end?
The natural tendency in a relationship is to separate, it is destruction. Due to the wear and tear of day to day, the initial connection tends to disappear, it tends to disconnect, since there are conflicts, a bad mood… The tendency is to move away, if both members do not do things to stay together. There is a comparison that helps to understand it: the relationship is like the home, which needs maintenance. At home you have to clean, wash the dishes, paint from time to time, change the light bulbs if they burn out… But, on the contrary, there are many couples who do nothing to maintain the good state of the relationship, they spend more time cleaning the home than to take care of the relationship.
Do the couples who come to consult you have a bad time? Do they realize that something has to be done?
In the consultation I ask the couples who come how much time they dedicate to the relationship. There are many who explain: ‘For our birthday we are going to have dinner at a restaurant or we spend the weekend away’. And I ask: ‘If they dedicated only one weekend a year to fixing the house, how would it be?’ Since the deterioration of the bond is slow, it takes time to realize that it is taking place. If one day you do nothing for the couple, nothing happens; If you don’t do anything for two days, nothing happens, but if you don’t do anything for three years, things will happen. People do not perceive the urgency until they have serious problems in the relationship.
This article was originally published on RAC1.