“It seems that when a couple sleeps in separate rooms it is because it is broken. It’s not like that, ”says Beatriz (40) to explain why she and her partner Luis have chosen to sacrifice privacy for comfort. “In November we will celebrate twelve years together. Everything is going well, we even plan to get married, and we’ve been sleeping apart for almost half of our relationship, adds Beatriz”.

There were several reasons that led Beatriz and Luis to try it. “In the room where we slept, noises were heard from the floor above. I snore a little and Luis wakes up several times at night. Also, I like to read and he likes to listen to music or watch documentaries before going to sleep”, she explains. And she concludes: “We realized that he was more comfortable for us. Our rest improved and the relationship was not affected, in fact it has improved in a certain way, because in this way we are not waiting to bother the other, we gain privacy and personal space”.

For some couples, sharing a bed does not allow them to sleep in the best way. In a survey conducted by The Sleep Foundation in January 2023, 52.9% of people who had initiated and maintained a “sleep divorce” stated that their quality of sleep had improved and that they slept 37 more minutes each night. There are no studies on how many couples choose to sleep apart, but according to a survey by The Better Sleep Council ten years ago, 63% of American couples reported sleeping apart for most of the night.

“Can not generalize. If the partner sleeps calmly, with few movements, does not snore and the bed is wide, sleeping with or without it does not have to affect the quality of sleep”, says the clinical neurophysiologist, sleep specialist and author of The Science of Good Sleep (Peninsula), Dr. Javier Albares and clarifies: “These ideal conditions do not always occur. In fact, between 40 and 50% of the population snore. If this is the case with your partner, you will surely sleep better in another bed. It is even proven that, after years of sleeping together, snorers’ partners have a hearing loss in the ear that is next to the snorer.” For Albares, “sleeping apart can be a temporary solution, but it is important to seek treatment for the pathology behind it, possibly sleep apnea.”

For psychologist, sexologist and couples therapist Lua Carreira, “It makes sense that some people sleep more comfortably and better on their own. You don’t have someone next to you pacing, snoring or making noise. The sheets and blankets are just for you and you can put the room as you like. In addition to seeing it in couples who go to her office, she lived it through her own experience. “I am a very light sleeper and my partner was snoring. It was impossible for me to sleep together, I had a hard time and it wasn’t the other’s fault either. If we kept sleeping together we were going to end badly, ”she says.

Although in his practice there are more couples who sleep separately because they are not going through a good time, “there are also those who simply find it practical because they have different sleep habits or needs. Perhaps one snores or spends a lot of time in bed with the mobile or the TV and the other needs zero stimuli to fall asleep. Sleeping apart doesn’t have to mean something isn’t right,” she says.

Belén (39) lives with her partner since confinement. When they had a baby, they decided to sleep in separate rooms. “My partner snores a lot. Now he uses a sleep apnea machine, but at that time he didn’t have one yet,” she notes, explaining, “We decided to try sleeping apart so he wouldn’t wake up or keep the baby from getting back to sleep. Also so that at least one of the two could sleep well. Since I breastfed him, he did the night watch. During the day, he would take the baby for a walk and I could take advantage of those moments to sleep”.

The change was beneficial to them and they still support it. “The baby is still waking up at night. I co-bed with him and that way we can sleep more comfortably, because we have more space in the bed”, indicates Belén and adds: “In addition, my partner has to set the alarm clock to get up early for work. I work from home and can manage my hours. In this way, we do not wake up, we all rest better and are in a better mood”.

Marta (this is not her real name) is 33 years old. She and her partner also chose to sleep in different rooms after the arrival of her son, ten months ago. “We started sleeping together with our baby next to our bed, in the co-sleeping crib. But she started waking up a lot during the night. After trying different alternatives, the easiest thing for us was for me to breastfeed him and lay him down next to me. Due to a security issue, my partner began to sleep on the sofa bed that we have in the living room”.

Today they still sleep this way. “Beyond the security issue, because now the baby is older, he still wakes up a lot during the night. Rather than both of us waking up, I prefer to take care of myself so that my partner can sleep for a few hours in a row, so that in the morning he can take care of it and I can sleep well”, he explains and clarifies: “That is what helps us at this moment, to be able to both rest and be well the next day.”

“If you sleep better, you will be in a better mood, more relaxed and less irritable the next day. This can have a good impact on your relationship”, says Lua Carreira. For her, the important thing is that each couple can choose the model that best suits their reality.

“When babies are young and still nursing at night, it’s not a bad option to sleep apart so that one partner can sleep and take turns. In some cases, what the mother does is express milk so that the father can give her a bottle and she takes the opportunity to rest”, says Dr. Albares, and clarifies: “As of the year, when the child no longer needs feeding at night and his circadian rhythm is already established, you have to try to get good habits and a sleep routine to prevent him from developing childhood insomnia. Although you also have to understand that it is normal for a child to wake up, some do it more and others less”.

In addition to the snoring of the other person, other sleep disorders that can lead some couples to sleep apart -indicates Dr. Albares-, are restless legs, where the patient moves and has a restless dream, or the REM sleep behavior disorder, where you scream and talk while you sleep. “All of them can be treated,” he says.

The expert points out that “The opposite case may also occur, in which you sleep better with your partner, that you have a well-established habit of sleeping together and that being in an embrace or in physical contact helps you release oxytocin, which is the pleasure hormone , tranquility, well-being and love, which comes in handy to fall asleep”.

“Sleeping together has benefits for many couples. Apart from releasing oxytocin, there are studies that say that physical contact decreases cortisol in the body and, with it, stress and anxiety levels”, says therapist Lua Carriera and adds: “Some people feel calmer and more secure. Having your partner by your side helps you fall asleep, sleep longer and better. For many, it is a moment of complicity, to have sexual relations or to talk and relax. In addition, if one of the two has a sleep disorder, her partner can warn him to take action ”.

For those couples looking to improve the way they sleep together or share a bed again, Dr. Albares’s recommendation is to avoid bad habits that can make it difficult to fall asleep, such as using screens. “Ideally, the bed is just for sleeping and having sex,” he says. At the same time, respect the biological rhythms of each person. “Couples sometimes insist on going to bed at the same time, but not all people have the same biological rhythm, some are more morning and others more evening. Everyone has to go to bed at the time they are sleepy.”

Although the reasons for sleeping separately may be different for each couple, there is something that is repeated in the cases consulted: the opinions of the environment. “When my grandmother found out that we slept apart she said: ‘How are they going to have a baby if they sleep apart? Never like that,’” recalls Beatriz, who now has an almost three-year-old daughter with her partner, laughing, and clarifies: “In our case, moments of intimacy arise more spontaneously this way. There is no physical location or set time.”

“Sleeping apart doesn’t have to affect our sexual intimacy. Physical distance can make me want my partner even more, because missing the other person is a good incentive for desire,” says sexologist Lua Carreira, adding: “The important thing is to be clear that sexual desire is something that you work and that, although it may not sound very sexy, intimacy is planned. You have to look for those moments, which do not have to be restricted to the joint bed ”.

“Whenever we tell someone around us, especially from our parents’ or grandparents’ generation, the reaction was to tell us: ‘And what about intimacy?'”, indicates Marta and clarifies: “I do feel that it had an impact a lot in our privacy, although it is something that I also think has to do with the arrival of a baby. In the end, what we prioritize today is to rest well. Our idea is to sleep together again later, when our baby starts to sleep well in her crib. But we’ll keep doing this as long as it works for us.”

“In our collective imagination, the idea that the couple’s moments of intimacy are in bed when they go to sleep is well established,” explains the therapist Lua Carreira and indicates: “This is perhaps the case in many relationships, because we have a lifestyle in which the only moments of rest are at bedtime. That is why for many couples that is the time for intimacy. But it doesn’t have to be the only one.”

Carreira clarifies that sexual intimacy “doesn’t have to be a relationship thermometer either. People do not always have the same desire. There are stages, for example, when you have a child or during the first years of parenting, in which it can take a back seat. That doesn’t mean something is wrong.” Likewise, she warns that “The intimacy of a couple does not only reside in sexual relations”, but we can also find it in a deep and vulnerable conversation or in rituals, such as cooking together or being embraced.

For Belén, “sleeping apart is not an impediment to maintaining relationships. The important thing is that you like it. I don’t think it’s more challenging than for any couple who, like us, co-sleepe with their child, where the bed is no longer a possible space for intimacy. We have a very comfortable sofa bed and also a small bed in another room where we can also be”.

More than sleeping together, for them the priority is to sleep well. “What others think is superfluous. For us sleeping apart is beneficial because it allows us to be rested. In the medium or long term, when the child sleeps in her room, we will surely sleep in the same bed again. But, if we see that we cannot rest well for any reason, we are also open to trying different formulas until we find the one that suits us”.

The therapist Lua Carreira explains that sleeping apart can be something positive as long as it comes from an agreement. “If they make the decision together because they think it can allow them to sleep better, they take away the weight that is sometimes given to them, that if we don’t sleep together we won’t have sex or intimacy and they continue to look for those spaces between them, I think they can be beneficial,” he says.

RELATED ARTICLESMORE FROM AUTHOR