How many times have you heard about self-esteem and the negative effects of having it very low? But self-esteem has many edges and one of them, sexual, is the one we care about the least despite the fact that it always sneaks between the sheets and can affect intimacy as a couple. Yes, sexual self-esteem also exists and it is very important. Hence, it is not a very good idea to leave it aside, especially if it does not allow you to enjoy a full sexual life.
We don’t always realize sexual self-esteem issues. Sometimes yes but it is uncomfortable to share it with the couple. But there are signs you should be aware of. If you prefer to turn off the light to have sex or if you think that you are no longer sexy or do not attract your partner, you should start to consider it. It may be the consequence of a bad relationship with yourself or yourself, but it may not. The important thing is that you face the situation and find a way to reach full sexual satisfaction, going to a specialist if necessary.
For the sex and couples therapist Guillermo González, sexual self-esteem is linked to personal self-esteem. “Sexual is that subjective feeling of characteristics and behaviors that are attractive and desirable to other people. In short, it is feeling comfortable, accepting yourself and living well within yourself with your sexualityâ€, argues the expert, who is also vice president of the Spanish Federation of Sexology Societies (FESS).
“It is nothing other than all that appreciation that you have for your way of enjoying your sexuality both with other people and with yourself,†says Mariona Gabarra, a sexologist for the Gleeden platform. Sexual self-esteem will affect the decisions we make: with whom we decide to have sex and when, if and how we limit ourselves sexually, or for example if we decide to use protection or feel self-conscious about saying that we will not do without it.
“The more we control our sexual confidence, the happier we will be in our sexuality and also be able to say what we like and dislike out loud. Therefore, it is important to pamper it, understand it, do everything possible so that it grows along with our pleasureâ€, notes Celia Naranjo, sexologist and project manager of Santa Mandanga, a digital school for practical and emotional sexual-affective education.
A study carried out by the John Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health assured in 2016 that personal attributes such as general self-esteem, autonomy and empathy had a significant impact on the level of sexual satisfaction. For his part, Elyakim Kislev, a researcher at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, concluded after a survey of 3,207 people who were asked, among other things, if they believed they satisfied their partners, that single men express greater sexual self-esteem in comparison with the married, while in women the result is completely opposite.
The lack of sexual self-esteem does not understand gender, but the woman supports a greater demand on the subject, acknowledges the therapist Guillermo González. “Women move in a minefield due to aesthetics, they must respond to an almost unattainable standard of beauty,” asserts the sexologist. “Men also began to feel some form of pressure, especially aesthetic, but it is neither comparable nor demanding as for women,” adds González.
According to González, a man’s sexual self-esteem stems from his internal conviction (with a little external reinforcement) that he is a stupendous lover in quantity and quality. “Only when quantity and quality (by our masculine standards) are bad, our sexual self-esteem falls. Of course, it can lead to a loss of self-esteem in general. Because it is worth remembering that self-esteem in men is nourished many times and a lot from his sexual self-esteem â€, Gonzaléz clarifies.
“In fact, many women today are angry with their sexuality and do not appreciate it because sex for them is not equivalent to pleasure and enjoyment,” Mariona Gabarra emphasizes. “But they are unable to change that lack of sexual self-esteem – continues the sexologist – either because of the education they have had, because of the society in which we live or because of prejudices and taboos.”
Other aspects that can also influence sexual self-esteem, according to Celia Naranjo, are certain past or current experiences that have to do with the family context, relationships with friends and one’s own sexual history. “All of this contributes to and guides people’s sexual behavior, significantly influencing their sexual health,” emphasizes the sexologist.
Contrary to what is usually thought, sex does not always arise in a simple way, “even though they sell it to us that way, since each person is different and on many occasions low self-esteem can get in the way of enjoying of pleasureâ€, advises the FESS sexologist. “That is also necessary to be clear that you do not always live in the same way, that is why it is important to try to get to know yourself as well as possible and not be guided by frequency parameters and ways of relating sexually that basically have a commercial intentionâ€, ponders González.
But are there signs that can indicate that we have low sexual self-esteem? As González points out, some of them are related to fears of meeting or to considering that the people we are attracted to are not attracted to us. Others surface as difficulties in sexual response (desire, arousal, orgasm, and resolution). And they can cause a lack of social and communication skills in the sphere of sexuality. In any case, it is best to seek professional help.
As Naranjo recalls, self-esteem is the positive esteem and confidence we have in ourselves to experience sexuality in a satisfying and pleasurable way. In this sense, the greater the sexual confidence, the greater the pleasure? Guillermo González sees a direct relationship, because “according to my clinical experience, security in the interpersonal encounter is a positive predictive factor for achieving pleasure, orgasmic or otherwise.”
Good sexual self-esteem can help to obtain greater pleasure but it is not something automatic either because it implies another person who may not have the same vision of sexuality or sexual self-esteem. “There are people who can have a good confidence and an open concept of sexuality but in the end it has a lot to do with the selection when choosing a sexual partner,” says Mariona Gabarra.
“In fact, everything that has to do with sexual relations depends a lot on the person with whom you are having them, and even more so if you have low sexual confidence,” says the Gleeden sexologist. Many pathologies that are usually sexual blocks that lead to premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction in the case of men or not reaching orgasm in the case of women, arise from the response that our sexual partner has had when having sex. Gabarra explains.
“In other words, if you have a bad experience and the reaction of the person in front of you is not healthy, calm or uncommunicative, it will generate a blockage and possibly sexual dysfunction,” Mariona Gabarra emphasizes. On the contrary, if that person does not have prejudices, taboos or “does not expect that perfection of sex that we have been taught to expect, it will help you a lot and it will not let you remain in that lack of sexual self-esteem but will work in it with you, because to have a good concept of sexuality you have to be communicative and knowing how to communicate is the basis of any type of relationship,†he points out.
As previously mentioned, low self-esteem can show up in different ways. The good news is that there are some guidelines that can help us work on it. For example, Gabarra emphasizes two points: “The first one is self-pleasure, since it can help us get to know ourselves and explore where our pleasure resides. It is very important to know that we do not need anyone to enjoy our body and sensationsâ€, points out the sexologist.
The other aspect that Gabarra lists is focused on the need to be interested in learning more about our sexuality and sharing our realities, without hiding them or hiding behind lies “Because if we talked about our sexuality with other people who are also willing to do so, we would see that our complexes and fears are normal and they are the same as those of other people. Therefore, we will have a healthier vision of our sexuality and sexual self-esteem. You have to understand that sex is not perfectâ€, emphasizes the expert.
“If you spend a very good time with yourself (always keeping in mind that it is not mandatory to reach orgasm), you will increase your self-esteem and then you will know how to perfectly communicate what you like and your limits,” says Celia Naranjo, a sexologist from Santa Mandanga.
On the other hand, in men, in González’s opinion, “improving sexual self-esteem almost always depends on the security in responding to a masculine canon of response that has to do with their ‘performance’ as a lover. In this context, the best way will be to get rid of that ghost of “amatory productivity” trying to make them enjoy the erotic “trip” more than to reach the goal of “orgasm”.
