“It’s not the same as when you’re twenty,” says Carmen, 64 years old. She and Fabio (66) have been together for about 40 years. “At first it is more novel. When we were young, the time and place didn’t matter, any was the perfect opportunity. This is like wine. At first you drink any wine and then you only drink good wine. You no longer do a hundred-meter sprint, now you do a leisurely marathon,” explains Fabio. Do couples kiss less as time goes by?
“Couples tend to kiss less with age, but not because of the age of the people in that couple, but because of the age of the couple themselves. That is, when it is a longer relationship,” explains sexologist Sílvia Catalán and indicates: “At the beginning of relationships, when we are in a state of love, we really want physical contact and we can be hooked on each other all day. lips of the other person. Whether you are 15, 30, 54 or 83, you will want to kiss.”
As the couple progresses and the time in the relationship passes – points out the expert -, “the displays of physical affection decrease, either due to routine, because we leave intimacy aside a little or it may even happen that we no longer feel the same sexual attraction.”
“It doesn’t depend so much on age, but on the phase of the relationship,” agrees psychologist and sexologist Emma Ribas, author of the book Mindfulsex. The sex that will revolutionize your life (Platform), and she points out: “In a phase of falling in love, where we have the entire hormonal cocktail, adrenaline and dopamine, there is a strong attraction and you feel like kissing the other person. In this phase of falling in love, the kiss is very present.”
As the relationship progresses, he points out, “the responsibilities of daily life, work, children, appear, and we can focus on other areas. Stress, arguments can appear, and all this causes this sexual polarity that was very activated at the beginning to become deactivated, there is no longer as much attraction in the couple and the kiss decreases.
“We’ve been together all our lives. When we were young we couldn’t stop kissing. Now, with the passage of time and routine, it is less. It is not like in the beginning, that you are in love and always stuck together,” explains Elena (this is not her real name), 62 years old. For her, more than the age or the time they have been together with her partner of almost 40 years, the amount of kisses and physical affection depends more on the moment in which they are: “If we are well, we have contact, we have relationships, everything . It’s not like in the beginning, obviously, but we have it. When we are bad and there are tensions, nothing.”
When you share so much time in your life with someone, there are also certain moments such as, for example, the arrival of a child – in Elena’s case, two – where the space for kisses and caresses can remain more in the background. “When the children are small, it changes your life and your relationship a little. You put it to the side a little and there is much more attention on the child. But then he recovers, a new dynamic is found,” she says.
“When we have been in a relationship for many years, sometimes that magic is lost. We began to kiss less or give each other shorter kisses,” says Esther Camacho, psychogerontologist and secretary of the Aging Psychology Group of the Spanish Society of Geriatrics and Gerontology, and explains that “Over the years, signs of affection change. When we are young, we are more impulsive and more likely to display physical affection in public.”
There are many things that can explain why the number of kisses in a couple decreases over time. “There may be a question of morality. There are couples who are from other times in which displays of public affection were not seen as appropriate and even when they see a couple kissing on the street, they think it is wrong. There are other couples like, for example, those of the ‘baby boomers’, who are the ones who are now getting older, who are much more open to these samples,” says the expert and clarifies that not only cultural factors can mediate but also personality and trajectory of each couple.
For the psychogerontologist, the idea that couples tend to kiss less with age “very possibly has to do largely with ageism.” As she explains, “as a society, we do not see it well that older people know how to kiss, that they desire kisses, that they desire sexuality, that they have it and that they also enjoy it. In some way, their sexuality is made invisible and is not represented on a social level. We often see jokes or scenes in movies or advertisements of ridiculed older couples kissing. We do not understand that these couples give these physical displays of affection and enjoy them.”
When consulted for this report, the international expert on ageism and healthy aging, Dr. Vânia de la Fuente-Núñez, cites a systematic review of the literature that came to light in 2019, about the perceptions of sexuality in older people. , where it was found that social stereotypes, the association between sexuality and fertility/marital obligation, lack of privacy (for example, in residences), and prejudices from family members and professionals are considered barriers to sexual expression.
For sexologist Sílvia Catalán, “other things have a much greater influence than age. The amount of time together, the availability to spend quality time, if there is space for intimacy and meeting. Also one’s own personality. There are people who are more into physical contact and others not so much. If you are a person who liked kisses, hugs and caresses when you were 15 years old and nothing serious or traumatic has happened, probably when you are 95 years old, you will still want these displays of affection.”
“Long-term couples may tend to kiss less because they get involved in other dynamics. But for me it doesn’t depend much on age, but on the type of person you are,” says Antonia, 58, and adds: “There are people who are very affectionate and others who are very, very dry.” After ending a 30-year marriage, she has now been in a new relationship for almost two years.
Fabio is very affectionate and Carmen never was. “I’m not that big of a kisser. “I have never been,” she explains. “The advantage is that she was the same at 18 years old. I’m already used to it,” says Fabio. For him, the key is to accept how each person is. “If you want to impose yourself, it doesn’t work,” he says. In addition to kisses and hugs, they also find other ways to show affection. For example, with nicknames or affectionate words.
“What makes the expression of affection more or less present has to do with a great variety of things, the character of each person, how they relate to others, their experiences and values,” says the psychologist and director of the Institute. d’Studis de la Sexualidad y la Parella, Pere Font, and adds: “People for whom displays of affection have great value are logically more affectionate, and for those who do not have it, no. For people who are not particularly affectionate, getting older can almost feel like an excuse, like a kind of ‘it’s not time anymore.’”
For psychologist and sexologist Emma Ribas, whether or not there are fewer kisses as a couple ages “will depend on the couple model we have as a reference, how our parents related to each other, what way they showed affection, whether “They gave each other kisses,” he says. Also, about “if I have received kisses and felt loved in my childhood, about what the bond with my mother or with my closest environment was like, if they were affectionate towards me. “That will impact my ability to later be able to transmit what I received,” she says.
The kiss as a sign of affection does not always have to be a kiss on the mouth, explains the director of the Institute of Sexuality and Parella Studies, Pere Font. Other forms of physical contact may also appear, such as holding hands. “Many older couples recover this display of affection, when years ago they did not do it, or not as much,” he indicates and clarifies that “people need physical contact as much or more than any other need.”
Antonia loves kisses. “For me, there is nothing that makes you feel better than a good kiss, of affection, of friendship, of passion. There is nothing more beautiful than going to sleep with your partner, hugging them and saying goodnight, giving them a kiss. And it can also be the prelude to something else, which is always interesting,” says Antonia and points out: “She makes you feel loved and makes you feel that you want.” For me it is very important to kiss.”
“Giving kisses and hugs is healthy for the relationship. They generate those love hormones, endorphins and oxytocin that increase attachment and sexual desire towards your partner and decrease cortisol, which is the stress hormone. Therefore, they help improve quality of life and reduce suffering,” says psychogerontologist Esther Camacho.
According to what he indicates, older people also tend to miss other types of kisses, beyond romantic ones. “Many times, their children or grandchildren no longer kiss them. With the passage of time, those kisses on the hand, on the cheek, those signs of affection, do not arrive,” explains the expert, although she clarifies that “it is also important not to fall to the other extreme, of infantilizing, taking the person on her face, give her kisses and talk to her as if she were a girl.”
How can space for kisses be maintained between couples, despite the passage of time? “You can spend a few fantastic days in a hotel or go to a good dinner, and then you feel like it even more,” says Fabio.
For sexologist Sílvia Catalán, it is key to “ensure that there are these spaces for meeting and proximity, which do not have to be sexual.” In fact, she would recommend “not linking these spaces of intimacy, physical contact and kisses to a sexual relationship with orgasm, ejaculation and genital stimulation.” For some of her patients, she suggests doing “kissing sessions,” where they can only touch the head, neck or back and, after ten minutes, “uncover their lips.”
In the office of sexologist Emma Ribas, “it is very common for a person to say things like: ‘My partner never kisses me and I always have to go and kiss him.’ Or that he feels rejected or that, when he goes to kiss her, his lips are hard or he turns his face away from her. Many times, in most cases, women feel that their partner only kisses them when she wants sex. Not as an act of affection but as a sexual one. And she needs another approach, because otherwise she gets blocked. It’s about thinking about how the other person can feel invited to that kiss, and that there is not that tension that after the kiss comes a penetration.”
She suggests “learning to kiss consciously. Connect with your eyes and breathing. The mindful kiss, which is the conscious kiss, helps us a lot to transmit affection and kiss from delicacy.” Ritualizing kissing is also very important. “We can create habits, routines and spaces to kiss. For example, giving each other a kiss or a hug before saying goodbye, when we return from work, before going to sleep or when we wake up in the morning,” she points out.
All the expert sources consulted agree on the importance of kisses as a sign of affection, at any age. “It connects us directly with positive sensations, as long as there has not been any trauma or situation that generates something negative,” summarizes sexologist Sílvia Catalán and assures: “Giving kisses is health.”
