If you have the feeling that your partner supports your decisions, that everything you say or do seems good to him and that in this relationship you only carry the weight, he has to know that you are not alone. And we say alone, because it is a situation that, in practically all cases of heterosexual couples, the one who bears the effort is the woman.
You don’t have to dig too deep on the Internet to realize that couples with some imbalance of this type are still plentiful. For this reason, we have consulted the family and couples therapist, and secretary of the Governing Board of the Official College of Psychology of Catalonia (COPC), Teresa Moratalla.
“Each case is unique and it is difficult to generalize, because sometimes it may be a person with self-esteem problems and difficulties in making decisions who allows themselves to be dragged along,” warns the expert. “But in most cases, these issues are very influenced, even today, by cultural factors,” she points out.
Moratalla mentions gender aspects because many men reproduce what has been done for decades and mark the areas of tasks and decision-making in the family as the domain of the woman/mother. “This, unfortunately, we still encounter, and that means that the woman is the one who drags the cart: children, education, doctors, vaccines, extracurricular activities, clothes…” she explains. “On the other hand, the male figure makes decisions, but at another level. Perhaps at work he is a leader who decides, but in the domestic sphere, he leaves it in the hands of the woman,” she continues.
Beyond cultural issues and gender aspects, the psychologist puts on the table the adoption of roles in the couple, which can lead to this type of inequality. “People decide or stop deciding depending on the context we are in. If you have a relationship with a person who is very dominant, you will have two options: face the assumption that there will be an open conflict with each decision that has to be made (a symmetrical relationship), or submit to the decisions of the other: one commands and the other yields.
This, over time, will become a relational pattern in which one complements the other. “It is a relationship that will not be rewarding for either of them, because one will become overloaded and tired, while the other will feel undervalued, little taken into account. There is no equality,” adds Teresa Moratalla.
When tasks are distributed because one has greater mastery of certain areas than the other, the machinery can work and, as the specialist says, “it is portable.” “The problem comes when it perpetuates itself as a relational pattern and there is no other one. That is to say, it is always like this. That is when burnout can occur,” he says, “because it basically creates a feeling of dissatisfaction.”
The way to resolve this conflict, which can endanger the relationship, is through communication, especially if the problem comes from cultural issues. “When you make them see it, the other person usually sees it,” explains Moratalla. “When he sees it and can understand it, and realizes that the other person is not satisfied either, you can work to change things between both people and they can relocate more equitably in the relationship.”
The expert recognizes that when it comes to a problem of self-esteem and lack of security of one of the members of the couple, the situation needs more in-depth work, in a professional consultation.
In any case, and returning to the situation of cultural bias, Moratalla assures that there are things that can be done as a work to balance the relationship. “Women see many things before men and, very often, we act immediately because we have been educated that way, we have grown up with these family models,” she says. “And there are still many men – fewer and fewer, fortunately – who have never fried themselves a fried egg in their lives,” she maintains.
The first indication that the therapist gives is to talk about it, express it clearly. “And, secondly, do not get ahead of yourself. When there is someone who pushes the envelope, sees the problem sooner and gets up sooner. We must assume that the other has other times and must be given the opportunity to get up, it will come.” , recommends.
But the most important thing is to talk about it, to put it on the table, not as a conflict or based on recriminations like “I’m good because I drive the car and you’re bad.” We must also stop controlling whether the other does it well or badly, “each person will do it their own way, they should not control themselves, but ask for commitment and involvement from the person who is letting themselves be dragged along.”
This article was originally published on RAC1.
