“Most of the time, our conversations (with the creatures) are trivial and mechanized. We adults ask, and the children barely answer. ‘He doesn’t tell me anything!’ we lamented”. It is exposed by Rebecca Rolland, professor at Harvard University, psychologist and specialist in pathologies of oral and written language in the Department of Neurology at Boston Children’s Hospital. She has treated children of all ages and has two sons.
Rolland has just published in Spanish The art of speaking with children (Diana), a volume where he gives keys to foster autonomy and confidence in children, at a time when it seems that families can only survive in the marathon of home-school-work-extracurricular-homework-dinner. Is there room for quality conversation? These are, as the Harvard professor explains to La Vanguardia, some of the worst mistakes that mothers and fathers make.
So that the child grows and matures, we take him to extracurricular activities, we help him with his homework, we do activities… “but we take time away from what is most important, which is sitting down with them and having more relaxed conversations, playing, and talking about what is important to them. it’s going through my head. We forget, in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, what they need the most, which is a companion through their curiosity”, says Rolland.
“I also have the feeling that I live like a headless chicken, running from here to there!” confesses the psychologist, who recommends refocusing our attention. “When we are with the little ones, are we really present, without being distracted by the rest of the stimuli that surround us, and the tasks at hand? Sometimes the solution is to set temporary limits: now I work, now I am fully with my children”. You have to put emphasis and concentration, she says, in conversations with the little ones.
Your son or daughter may have asked you on some occasion to put your mobile phone aside while you talk to him or her. The feeling of guilt haunts you, for a moment. For Rolland, the smartphone should only be present in conversations with children if it can be used as a springboard. “They can be useful to talk about a topic, commenting on a photo of an activity, for example. If there is no specific intention, you have to leave out the phones ”. In the time we dedicate to children, especially if they are teenagers, all family members should “avoid that distraction, putting aside the screens”, at least for a while each day, during shared meals.
Often, according to Rolland, “because creatures don’t have our language skills, we think their thinking isn’t that deep. We ask them very basic questions, and that can make them understand that adults have the knowledge, and they just have to listen.” To understand this, the psychologist gives a practical example. With the little ones, if some ants are passing in front of us, we can ask somewhat complex questions that arouse their curiosity: where do they think the insects are going, what do they do, what would the ants do if a stone fell in their path… “The conversations about things that happen before us can lead us to other bigger ideas”.
Often adults talk to each other about their children, when they are present, thinking that they cannot hear them, that they are deaf. This is a big mistake according to Rolland, and even going further, we must avoid underestimating children’s sensitivity to capture the tone and emotions of oral language among adults. “The creatures hear everything, they perceive the storms that are about to arrive.” In addition, “they understand the silences, they absorb the emotional tone and energy of our conversations. We think they are not listening, but they are not, they realize what we are saying. We take it for granted that they only listen when spoken to, but they don’t.”
For Rebecca Rolland, a good conversation has several ingredients. “It has to involve both the adult and the child, that both have an interest. It can’t be that only one or the other speaks.” In addition, a quality dialogue can help solve conflicts, change the perspective of something, and without a doubt, enrich the relationship.
Subjects such as death or sex are taboo in many homes, and it is another of the barriers in communication with children. “We think that protecting them means not talking about thorny issues; but it is just the opposite, we do our children a disservice if we do not discuss them at home. We must help them manage misunderstandings or biases on these issues, about which they receive information -sometimes false or incorrect- through various channels”.
Labeling as “clueless”, “slow” or “lazy” is common. Using those labels, Rolland says, causes the adjective to become real. “The person acts the way he labels them. In addition, they affect self-esteem, and take away the creature’s ability to improve, to change. It is necessary to realize when we fall into a label, and if the boy or girl does it, make them see that not how they use adjectives, but rather that they are flexible in their identity”.
By avoiding these mistakes and having full conversations, Rolland explains, we generate a relationship of trust with the creatures that will allow us to prevent, for example, situations of bullying or other abuse. In addition, “one of the best aspects of the conversation is that through play and creativity we help the little ones to broaden their perspectives, to ask questions, an aspect that we usually lose when we grow up. Asking him curious and simple questions about what is happening around us, encourages his creativity… and ours too!”
