More than eight decades ago, Harvard University set out to answer the question “what makes us happy?” And for this he launched one of the most important studies undertaken up to that time on the subject. They chose a population of hundreds of people and for years they were interviewing them, doing analysis and following their professional and personal development. Now, decades later, the conclusions are presented in book form (A good life, by Planet and A good life by Columna), Robert Waldinger, professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and director of the study, and Marc Schulz, doctor in Clinical Psychology from the University of California at Berkeley.
For decades, researchers have followed the lives of citizens from their youth to their death, studying their motivations, their professional careers, and their personal relationships. Some people went bankrupt, others became millionaires or rose to the highest positions of power. Some suffered long illnesses, while others enjoyed excellent health.
Robert Waldinger, who is also director of the Massachusetts General Hospital Center for Psychodynamic Therapy and Research, and Marc Schulz have concluded that the secret to a fulfilling life lies in relationships with the people around us. The better and stronger our ties are, the longer and happier we will live. Below we offer some excerpts from the book with the main deductions from the research
“All the studies, as well as our Harvard Study, bear witness to the importance of human connections. They show that people who are more connected to family, friends and community are happier and more physically healthy than those who are less connected. People who are more isolated than they would like find their health deteriorating sooner than those who feel connected to others. Lonely people also live fewer years.
“Unfortunately, that feeling of disconnection with others is growing all over the world. Approximately one in four Americans says they feel lonely; more than sixty million people.
“It is never too late. It’s true that your genes and experience shape the way you see the world, the way you interact with other people, and the way you react to negative feelings. And it is certainly true that opportunities for economic advancement and basic human dignity are not equally available to all and some of us are born into positions of significant disadvantage. But your way of being in the world is not engraved on fire. It is rather etched in the sand. Your childhood is not your destiny. Your natural character is not your destiny. The neighborhood you grew up in is not your destiny.”
“People often think that once you reach adulthood that’s it, your life and your way of living are decided. But what we find looking at the totality of research on adult development is that this is not true. A significant change is possible.”
“Unexpected events are not always problematic. Some are positive twists of fate, and usually these always have to do with relationships. The people we meet are largely responsible for how our life moves. Life is chaotic, and cultivating good relationships increases the positivity of this chaos and makes beneficial encounters more likely.”
“It is true that we can never fully control our destiny. Just because we’re a little lucky doesn’t mean we’ve earned it, and just because we’re a little unlucky doesn’t mean we deserve it. We cannot run away from the chaos of life. But the more we cultivate positive relationships, the better chance we have of surviving, and even thriving, on that bumpy ride.”
“Just as maintaining social form requires regular exercise, reflecting on your relationships requires periodic review. […]. If your social form isn’t what you want it to be, you’ll need to make these thoughtful revisions even more often. It never hurts—especially if you’re in low spirits—to take a moment to reflect on how your relationships are going and what you’d like to be different. If you like to schedule things, you can make it a regular activity; perhaps annually on New Year’s Eve or the morning of your birthday, you can take a moment to draw your social universe, and consider what you receive, which women and where you would like to be in a few years. You can save the relationship graph or assessment somewhere private, or even here in the book, so you know where to look next time you want to peek to see what’s changed.”
“Time and attention are the essential materials of happiness. They are the reservoir from which our life flows. This is more accurate than any financial metaphor. Just as the water of a swamp can be directed to specific areas of a landscape and enrich it, the flow of our attention can animate and enrich specific areas of our lives. So it never hurts to take a look at where our attention flows and wonder if it goes to places that benefit both our loved ones and ourselves (these two things usually go together). Do we dedicate the necessary time to activities and hobbies that make us feel most alive?”
“Life always has the risk of being chosen without us realizing it. If you feel like the days, months, and years are moving too fast, focused attention can be a remedy. Giving something your individual attention is a way to bring it to life and make sure you don’t float through time on autopilot.”
“Mutual and reciprocal vulnerability can lead to stronger and more secure relationships. The ability for both partners to trust and be vulnerable with each other—to stop, notice their own and their partner’s emotions, and comfortably share fears—is one of the most powerful relationship skills a couple can cultivate. It can also release a lot of stress, because you both get the support you need without having to gather energy to try to be stronger than you really are.”
“Even the best relationships are susceptible to deterioration. Just as trees need water, intimate relationships are living things, and cannot be left to fend for themselves as the seasons of life pass. They need care and nurturing.” .
“When we look for a job, and we look at salary and medical benefits, the question about relationships at work doesn’t come up often. But these connections are themselves a “benefit” of the job. Positive relationships at work mean lower stress levels, healthier workers, and fewer days of coming home worried. Quite simply, they also make us happier.”
“If we want to make the most of the hours in our lives – many of which we spend at work – we must remember that work is an important source of socialization and connection. Change the essence of work and it will change the essence of your life.”
“Friendships are the easiest relationships to neglect. Continually in the lives of the Harvard Study participants we see friendships that have deteriorated, for both men and women, due to neglect. Part of what makes friendships wonderful is also what makes them more fleeting: they are voluntary. But this does not make them less significant. That is why you need to be determined when it comes to maintaining the ones you already have, and at the same time creating new ones.”
“One of the most common questions people ask us is: How many friends do I need? Five? Ten? One? Unfortunately, we can’t answer this question for you! , or sit with an army of friends with that you share different activities and those that you invite to massive parties.Depending on the stage of life you are in, you may need different things.You could start looking for causes and activities that interest you and around this find friends and groups new”
This article was originally published on RAC1
