Human beings are attracted to what they already know, even though they know that it may not be the most convenient option. That is what is known as dating déjà vu. A 2019 University of Toronto research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences magazine claimed that we tend to fall in love with the same type of person over and over again.
The study, carried out with more than 300 people over several years, showed that if we have the same problems in relationships, it is because we choose the same personality traits for our partners and we do it unconsciously.
Yoobin Park and Geoff MacDonald, authors of the research, commented in Science Daily magazine: “Perhaps we should reflect on why always gravitating towards the same personality traits in our partners is contributing to the survival of our problems.”
Each person will have reasons why they pair up with similar people. “There are people who copy models that have marked them familiarly, others who go exactly the opposite. Sometimes, even if they are negative traits, we go looking for what we already know, unconsciously”, Marina Castro, a psychologist specializing in sexology and couples therapist, explains in RAC1.cat.
“We are attracted to what has to do with admiration, we like what is different about us; Being with different people enriches our lives. And at the same time there must be a balance in the things in which we are similar to the other person, we must be similar to the couple in values, lifestyle, way of understanding life…”, says Castro. “It’s a balance between the difference that attracts me and the similarity that makes us good.” What if I am attracted to a person with values ??or lifestyle contrary to mine? “Then the relationship doesn’t work, we won’t feel good about the relationship.”
As the psychologist explains, we can perfectly fall in love with a person who is not compatible with us and we must keep this in mind. “You have to know what makes a person compatible with you, and this is very anti-romantic. If you fall in love with someone who is incompatible with your values, the sooner you distance yourself, the better, ”Castro says bluntly.
An example that puts the expert in couple psychology. A person highly values ??friendships and family, as opposed to work and job accomplishment, and falls in love with someone for whom these values ??are reversed: “Whoever highly values ??the professional field will go to live on the other side of the world if they They offer a job, the other person, perhaps not, and I would not understand how the person who leaves is capable of sacrificing family and friends.
For Castro, when we meet a person and think about a relationship, we must take into account the compatibility and life values ??of each one. “When I look for an apartment I know the basic characteristics that it must meet: price, meters, rooms, location… At work the same: a schedule, some tasks, a salary… In the couple, people leave it to chance,” from whom I fall in love”. It is a mistake, you must internalize the characteristics of whoever you fall in love with, and if you meet someone you have to see if they meet the traits you are looking for or not ”.
As the study we mentioned at the beginning says, there are people who fall into the same type of relationships over and over again, and “this is especially dangerous when they are relationships that do not work or are abusive relationships, for example. The seduction system of an abuser does not make one think that he is an abuser, at first he acts according to the principles of Prince Charming, they are social seducers, ”says Castro.
To turn around the tendency to be attracted to people who don’t suit us, the first thing to be clear about, according to Castro, is to “know what it is that attracts me, even if it’s not healthy for me, you have to identify it.” Second, think about why or where it comes from that this person generates so much attraction for me.
The reasons why we are attracted to inappropriate people can be several. “I remember a person telling me that he always fell in love with people who had drug problems. His father had problems and he had always been left with the feeling of wanting to save him. In this case, as often happens, the attraction to people who don’t suit us can come from a history of relationships, from relatives (fathers or mothers) with specific personality traits.
Another factor to take into account are the ideas of romantic love that we have seen in movies, since “they make us copy unhealthy patterns.” There are also those who “let themselves be carried away by life… And you have to be careful with who life takes you!”, according to the psychologist.
Castro advises looking for a partner in the right places according to your interests. “If you want to find someone who likes the mountains, it is difficult to find them in a disco at three in the morning (because they usually get up early to go hiking)”, to give an example.
Establishing people who act as a filter is another indication of the expert in couples. “People who love you and know you can help you select people, friends who introduce you to friends is one of the things that works best, because the people in your closest environment have values ??and a lifestyle similar to you, and their friends they will have you similar to them.”
And Castro goes a little further, to avoid the mistakes caused by the blindness caused by falling in love. “If you meet someone and you think you’re falling in love, one option is to introduce them to someone close to you, because perhaps there are things you don’t see, so they can lower your feet to the ground.”
This article was originally published on the RAC1 website.
