After “Nobody knows anything”, where Andreu Buenafuente and Berto Romero masterfully staged the “Manual for eating Paella”, I wonder if humor is my thing or what I’m doing. I have spent more than 3 decades telling stories, reporting and trying to be rigorous in the public channel of all Spaniards, but I feel more comfortable giving free rein to the puppeteer in me. Those who knew the young Alonso know that I am a Gremlim who has avoided water since the turn of the millennium, although the day when I let my hair down, after passing through Turkey, is getting closer and closer.
Creating Wikipaella with Guillermo and José was the most fun. Foolishly, foolishly, we’ve been at it for ten years, daring to do somersaults without a net. They say that we put common sense in unstable territory, paella always is, it is full of anti-personnel mines where you can only build with a collective spirit, fleeing from the limelight. For this we based ourselves on what we had, and not on what we Valencians usually pretend to be: coentor, pageantry and chauvinism. Without meaning to, our people did something marvelous, turning a dish for the poor into a delicacy for the rich. Many circumstances led to it: tourism, the weather, our pantry, even an opportunistic political situation, but above all that was our ability to turn any tradition into a sign of identity. There is a phrase that defines this perfectly and that you will have heard on countless occasions: “Això, és de tota la vida”. If there is a people with totems, taboos and mantras, it is us.
As a promoter of Cacau d’Or, I feel legitimized to carry out another manual, in this case about lunch, and dedicated especially to the youngest or to those who have recently become fond of this activity. And because? Because it leaves us mother, and father too. Today more than ever, it is necessary to ask for trellat (reflection and measure) on l’esmorzar, a jewel of incalculable heritage value for Valencians.
BASIS OF LAW
Lunch is a right acquired by the Valencian people, obtained by persevering by appealing to an ancestral custom: Eating a powerful meal first thing in the morning so as not to fall exhausted and continue to perform. This was a general practice when everyone worked in the primary sector; but that most societies abandoned when productivity models changed. In ours, it is not only maintained but praised, even if it is anachronistic. The Valencians enjoy an inexplicable privilege to stop the working day and dedicate themselves to lunch. It is a tradition, they say, when in the rest of the autonomous communities it is considered pure work absenteeism. The time that we dedicate to lunch is contemplated in several collective agreements, and ranges from 10 minutes for a self-employed person, if they have lunch, to 20 minutes for a worker or 40 minutes, for an official. During the weekends the time slot is extended and the forms are relaxed, although there are a series of considerations that we should keep in mind,
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW IF YOU DON’T WANT TO MAKE A RIDICLE OF YOURSELF EATING LUNCH.
1.- The “expense” is not the plate of olives and peanuts. In reality, it is a modest price agreed to be paid by the client when they occupy a seat and bring the sandwich from home, and in turn share the common elements that are on the table, such as the drink, peanuts, pickles and salad. Coffee is always separate. It is a custom on the verge of extinction that is still maintained in rural and industrial areas: industrial estate bars, casinos, agricultural cooperatives, llars de jubilats.
2.- The “arrancaora” (it is drinking cassalla on an empty stomach as a prelude to lunch). It is based on the principle of the Kina San Clemente, a sweet wine (quinado) that was given to the children of my generation (60-70 s. XX): “to open the desire”, our parents said. That’s how we got out. “La arrancaora” is actually used by field workers as a powerful anesthetic, especially by those who are going to pick oranges or perform particularly unpleasant tasks. The cassalla predisposes to brotherly love and alleviates pain and sorrow, but out of that context and after the second one, too many nonsense is said that nobody remembers later.
3.- “Esmorzar popular” (popular lunch) is the one that is offered in bars to workers, it is especially cheap. It was created by and for the workers, so that they wouldn’t bring their sandwiches from home, not for a bunch of idle hustlers who call themselves “lunch professionals”.
4.- Allowed sauces: Garlic and oil, mayonnaise, chopped (garlic and parsley), pisto, natural tomato and fried tomato. [Every time an Instagrammer puts kimchi in his sandwich, a kitten dies and a cyclist falls from the Mondúver.]
5.- The bars with embers are the unicorns of lunch, a gift from the hotel industry at lunchtime. (it’s how to play trick and carry 33 of envit and the major)
6.- You have to go to lunch early, between 9:00 and 10:45, for two basic reasons: first, to enjoy the maximum variety because the good stuff soon runs out and only smoked bacon remains, some tempered pepper and tuna with olives; the second, out of respect for the hospitality industry. After lunch time they have to clean up and prepare the meal shift. Showing up after 11:00 is inconsiderate people.
7.- A Valencian lunch should never have less than three ingredients in the bread, but beware, more than four is ridiculous, that’s what the dishes are for where you can order a little of everything you want, because in order to accounts you will pay the same.
8.- Never ask for a large sandwich to share, ask for a medium. You will notice that the difference in price between whole and half is minimal. Because? Because you not only pay for the food, you are paying for the service, social security, employment, municipal taxes, electricity, gas, water, SGAE… If you want to abuse the hotelier, better stay at home.
9.- If you ask for the wine list, they will look at you badly, and with good reason. We lunch lovers like to rotate. Long live wine with soda!
10.- Never say that they put a “cremaet” in Castellón. Never. That’s more ridiculous and embarrassing than getting out of the toilet in a bar with toilet paper stuck in your pants; or step on shit the day you meet the love of your life. In the lands of Castellón it is called carajillo and it can be ordered burned or not. They embroider it. As for the “cremaet” many things have been said but never the truth. People tend to like him because he is sweet and nice. Sure, it’s coffee with rum, sugar, cinnamon and lemon peel, a successful combination of flavors. However, it is a caloric bomb, with so much glucose and alcohol that it is capable of tickling the piles of a diabetic. If you are a regular of this product, you have the possibility of boarding Charon’s boat shortly, receive flowers in the shape of a Donut, or that your family will be a beneficiary of the insurance. Don’t put cream or jelly beans on it, for God’s sake.
FINAL ADDENDUM (Very important) When you enter a classic lunch bar, do not sit at the first available table, always ask the waiter where can I sit? The tables often have lifetime owners, regular customers who have occupied them for decades. Veterans never miss a day, because having lunch with friends is one of the few joys they have left in life.
