The bustle breaks through the hallways and suddenly dozens of boys and girls begin to appear. It’s playground time at the Sadako school in Barcelona, ??where Jordi Nomen, philosophy teacher and author of the book ‘How to talk to a teenager and have him listen to you’ (Arpa) receives La Vanguardia. Nomen has been teaching classes and teaching philosophy to his students for more than thirty years. He is also learning about the world that surrounds stigmatized adolescence, a life stage that, despite its bad reputation, he describes as wonderful and transformative while putting a big smile on his face.
Living thousands of hours with the adolescent world has helped Nomen to get to know the most introverted people on the planet in depth. Now he explains to adults in a simple and practical way how to immerse themselves in their habits, fears, strengths… And he also talks about the emotions of adolescents, the role that family and friends play in their lives, and how they can be help. “Although each path is different, because although they have common profiles, each adolescent is different,” she warns.
Has philosophizing with teenagers been a challenge?
It has been impressive because they really need to express what worries them or where they see obstacles. Thought matures quite quickly at those ages, that is when they begin to argue. On the other hand, emotional maturity goes much more slowly, and that is where they need a lot of help, those things that worry them.
What have you learned from them during all these years?
Infinity of things. Think that adolescence is a path to maturity. Each path is different because each adolescent is different, although they have profiles in common. They have a great need to express and I have learned things about human beings. Among others, to ask myself questions that I would never have asked myself, because they are people who are growing and raise questions of great philosophical significance. For example: ‘What are we doing here if we are going to die?’ A teenager blurts it out to you at the first opportunity.
Is it really “mission impossible” to talk to a teenager?
No! The worst thing you can do is cut him off when he’s talking because that’s when everything breaks. The ideal is to listen to him carefully, adopt his same position, something as simple as non-verbal language. Look in the eyes: if we are looking at the cell phone and say, ‘Tell me what you want to tell me’…there is no possibility. You must not lose your cool, communication requires an open channel because they may be going to tell you something that also worries you, but it is not about responding by saying “oops!” this does not”. The channel also breaks there. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to talk either. And even more so if you are worried: you have to tell him, but not at that moment. You can thank him for having the confidence to explain something to you and ask, “Do you want me to give you my opinion?” If he says yes, you give it to him; But if he tells you that he just needed to explain it to you, you leave it there.
What if you are worried?
If you have doubts or you don’t think what he said is right, the next day when you take him to school, it’s time to talk to him the way you should talk to teenagers: with headlines, without nonsense and briefly: “That’s what “You told me yesterday that it left me worried about this and this, if you want we’ll talk about it another day.”
Is it possible to communicate with them without them shutting down?
It is possible, starting with the easiest, the most superficial. If you sit down with your son or daughter and start: “Come on, let’s talk about sex, I’m very interested in the topic,” it will completely shut you down because there has been no preparation for it. And above all because he or she did not come, but it was you. It doesn’t work that way, it’s the other way around. For example, “Hey, tell me about the class gossip a little, give me a couple of songs you listen to, I’d like to hear them… You have to express interest in wanting to understand their world even if it’s not of your interest… Enter that game.” , because if we talk about the superficial, the moment they need to talk about the deepest, they will come to you.
Does the teenager need advice, even if he initially rejects it?
He always needs you to be there. But discreetly, without being intrusive. Many times I pass them in the hallway and I see a sad face and I say: “Can I help you with something?” But I don’t say: “What’s wrong with you?” Because, with ‘I can help you’, if he says no, I don’t insist; If he says yes, then I ask him: “What’s wrong with you?”, “Do you want to talk about it?” Of course, maybe at some point you can’t speak and you tell them. They also have to understand that you can’t always.
Is it true that they don’t want to talk to parents?
Fake. That’s a myth. For example, when I ask in philosophy classes: “What is your priority?” Family always comes first, then comes your love and then friends. They want to talk, the problem is that they don’t know how to manage it because talking about what they think is easy, but what they feel is very difficult. Besides, we still live in a very patriarchal society, in which boys do not have to share what they feel, they do not have to cry… So it is a little more difficult for them, while it is less difficult for girls because in their role social they are allowed to talk about what they feel.
Is prohibition a bad strategy?
Prohibition, as such, does not work. The norm, as coexistence, yes. The limit is necessary, because when a person does not have a compass, he or she gets lost. Therefore, there have to be limits and rules and many times they have to be agreed upon or made more flexible.
In your book you talk about adolescence now extending until age 24. Because?
It will depend on each adolescent, on their degree of maturity, but I think that socially we are lengthening adolescence. Because? Because we are over-protecting them, putting them in a crystal ball… Many times, it is that: “I don’t want my child to suffer”… Serious mistake, your child is going to suffer, because in life there is suffering. And if you start from that hypothesis you will remove the obstacles in front of you. And how do you learn? Stumbling and falling.
Is not understanding your world a serious mistake?
Not approaching their world is, although you will never know it in depth, that must be kept in mind. They must be educated, for example, in self-control. Tell them: ‘You are going to have the desire to drink more alcohol and then you have to manage yourself.’ But what you can’t tell them is not to go to any parties so they don’t drink alcohol. He won’t go to the party, but he will drink when he hangs out with friends in the park.
Is there the right time to tell them what we don’t like?
Exists. When they don’t expect it. No, come here, let’s talk. Then they put on the armor, the vest, the helmet, they put themselves in off mode.
For teenagers everything is urgent. How to teach them to wait?
Yes, what you can do is educate them from a very young age to postpone desire. It is the most difficult thing there is and of course they do not know how to do it, since they are impulsive. You are the one who must establish that postponement. Tell them: “this cannot be now”; “Let me think about it and we’ll talk about it tomorrow.” But don’t tell him it can’t be and it will never be. This serves to teach them to wait. Learning to postpone desire indicates maturity.
And emotions… How do we help them manage them?
The sooner we start, the better. If from a very young age they learn to postpone desires, to wait, to spend a little while doing nothing, to distract themselves without electronic means, it is much easier, because this later takes shape in adolescence. You notice that it is integrated into his suitcase or not. When you say no to a teenager, the one who has it integrated will make him angry… But he will hold that anger: the other starts screaming, shouting or doing what he doesn’t. touches because it does not have it integrated.
You also mention the main risks at this age (drugs, pornography, depression, school failure…) How can you talk about it with them?
Also in headlines. And yes, it can be with my own experience, but not with that of I am the father or mother who has done everything well. That sounds false. On the other hand, being able to say, I have a friend, if it is true, that he suffered a serious accident due to excessive alcohol while driving. Be careful! Be responsible (use the headline). And the day you get drunk you have to talk about it, not be horrified. You have to give it the headline: look, I don’t like it at all because I worry about you and I think you haven’t controlled your impulses at all and this could take its toll on you. Not in this drunk, but the day you drive. And ready.
In your book you point out ten myths about adolescence. Which three would you highlight the most?
The first, that of the idea of ??conflict, because we approach adolescents thinking that there will be conflict. And my question is: among adults, aren’t there any? They are always there, it is inherent to human beings. The problem is not the conflict, it is the management. Therefore, we must teach them, and how is it done? If he starts to scream, you tell him in the headline: “I can’t talk to a person who screams, tomorrow when we are calmer, we will talk about it.” And you go. if necessary, from the floor.
And the other two?
The second, that they are irresponsible. I would ask the question here: have we given him responsibility? They are not irresponsible, they simply do not know how to manage responsibility and they must be taught. And the third, that they do not need their family, that is a myth like a cathedral, they need it like the bread they eat, but with another role, non-invasive, more discreet, appearing when it is convenient to appear. You have to grieve for the childhood that was lost and you have to learn to handle adolescence, like anything else. When they give you a device you have to look at the instructions and, if you don’t have them, which is the case of adolescence, then trial, error; trial, error.
In short, isn’t it as terrible as we think?
Adolescence is a beautiful, wonderful stage because you see how that little cocoon turns into a butterfly. My God, how wonderful! That they have to suffer something? Yes. What do they make you suffer? Yes of course! Because changes always lead to that suffering, but they are also opportunities and that is wonderful.
