Among the expressions of affection that occur in current parenting, a novelty stands out: the ‘piquitos’ to the children. Fleeting kisses on the lips, which many fathers and mothers display on social networks as proof of the intense bond with their offspring. With the ‘piquito’ of maximum relevance, the question is whether this practice is appropriate or inadvisable.
“The desire that I could have in that kiss was exactly the same desire that I could have kissing one of my daughters, no more, no less.” Among the many excuses made by Luis Rubiales to justify his “beak” to the player Jennifer Hermoso, after the triumph in the soccer World Cup, this image of the father kissing his daughters on the mouth, which Rubiales illustrates as something out of the ordinary.
The truth is that this is an increasingly common practice: whoever this writer has witnessed kisses on the lips of parents to children when seeing them off at the school gate, picking them up from school, or simply to express affection. On one occasion, when expressing a certain perplexity at the gesture, the mother’s response was blunt: “You are a carca. This is just giving yourself a ‘peck’: the most natural and affectionate thing in the world,” she said. In a way, he anticipated Rubiales’ argument, for whom kissing his daughters or a player does not imply “neither desire nor a position of dominance.”
In a similar line is David Beckham, who more than once has shown on his social networks images of him giving his little daughter, Harper, a “pecking” (in English). The background varies (it can be an infinity pool or the African savannah), but the shape is always the same: the father kissing the girl on the lips and congratulating her, excited, on her birthday or whatever he touches that day on Instagram. There is no shortage of heart emoticons and phrases like “Kiss for Daddy”.
When the Beckhams do something, the repercussion in networks is enormous: for this reason, Harper’s pricks result in hundreds of thousands of “Likes” and many complimentary comments (“Pure love”, “Never stop kissing that little flower” , “Lovely”, “David obviously adores his daughter; what a fabulous father!”). But, also, critical comments, ranging from “disgusting” and “perverted” to “taking away custody.” Some more elaborate observations stand out, such as the one that a follower who, in Spanish, writes: “If that child loves his father, he will never forget that and when he has a partner, he will think that he kisses his father, and that is not the case.” there should be no emotion or passion of a couple, but only emotion of a father”. Another follower wondered if Beckham also kissed his sons.
“I kiss all my children on the lips,” replied the soccer player, always via networks. “Maybe not Brooklyn [the eldest], he’s 18 years old, he may find it a bit strange,” he clarified. But the soccer player, like so many other parents who give “piquitos”, was emphatic: “We want to show our children love (…) we are very affectionate with them. It’s how they raised me and my wife.” Her spouse, Victoria Beckham, also shares images kissing her daughter, also marked with praise, criticism and the occasional disturbing: “How sexy” or “More photos like this, please!”.
Undoubtedly, showing affection is essential for good parenting. Children should know that they are loved and protected, and hugs and kisses are a wonderful tool for this. But, is it necessary to kiss the offspring on the mouth to show paternal or maternal love? However brief it may be: Is this gesture necessary?
“It is not necessary to kiss your children on the mouth, what is necessary is that there be signs of affection, but these can be very diverse”, answers the psychologist Roger Ballescà, coordinator of the Childhood and Adolescence Committee of the Col•legi Oficial de Psychology of Catalonia. Among this diversity, are kisses on the lips? “Kisses”, answers Ballescà, “are elements that are highly influenced by culture: they are not accepted in the same way in different places. In ours, giving a kiss on the cheek has the same meaning for parents, children and the community: no one will find it strange. However, the meaning of the kiss on the lips is no longer equally shared”, he observes.
That is to say: while both the one who gives the “peck” and the one who receives it can agree that it is simply a show of affection: “It may be that this gesture is not so socially normalized and that it has an even more sexual connotation. And here certain frictions can enter ”, observes Ballescà. Without forgetting, he adds, that it is possible that, with the passage of time, the “piquito” may bother the child who receives it. “So, just as with adults we talk about consent, we must also talk with minors: make sure that the meaning we give to this kiss is shared by the minor, the adult and, in a certain way, by the environment”, reiterates the psychologist.
The activist Anna Plans, specialized in the phenomenon of child hypersexualization, is very clear that, in Western culture, kissing on the lips is often related to romantic and sexual aspects: “For this reason, by kissing like this, what is normalized is a gesture of a couple, which generates confusion in minors”. Plans does not see the need to give children kisses on the mouth either: “The most important thing is to provide them with adequate attention and emotional support for their development.” And the “piquito”, due to its cultural connotations, does not seem like the best route. “Children don’t go kissing spontaneously. The tendency is to imitate the behavior of their parents, and if they have seen them kiss each other on the mouth, they may want to do the same. Clarifying that it is a gesture of couple relationships between adults can avoid confusion and establish healthy limits in terms of displays of affection.
Limits are important: “Because a child who is routinely kissed on the mouth may understand that this is normal and may not detect or report abuse by an adult,” says therapist Maribel Martínez, director of the Brief Therapy Center , from Barcelona. This psychologist is also very clear that the kiss on the lips is “the couple’s kiss” in our society: “It is directly related to sexuality, therefore, kissing a child on the mouth, even with the best intentions , has an implicit message that can be distorting, confusing, in the medium term”.
“The love of a father/mother for a child is immense, wonderful, incomparable, let’s avoid equating it to the emotional-sexual of the couple,” says Martínez. This psychologist adds that: “We should not force the child to kiss or receive them when they do not want to”, a typical situation with family members, which can cause discomfort. “Kissing or caressing are gestures of intimacy and affection, which must be spoiled, never imposed. We have to educate children so that they know that their bodies belong to them and no one can touch them if they don’t want to, whether they obviously mistreat them, or if they do something supposedly nice like kissing or caressing them.”
“If here a kiss on the mouth is a sexual gesture… Why do you have to do it with a minor child?” asks the family therapist, Agnes Brossa. For her to give them: “It is forcing children to do something that, I think, they do not have enough information to know if they want it or not. Children must know that the kiss on the lips is an interaction between two people that goes beyond the natural expression of feelings.
It is not about being carca or alarmist: “But I think it is a gesture that cannot be minimized. Because if we tell them that ‘it’s nothing’, we run the risk that these children will not give importance and, like Rubiales now, there will come a time when they will act in the same way with a person who does not want a kiss on the lips. Brossa would ask Rubiales: “Would you give your daughters ‘piquitos’ if they were boys? If the answer is ‘no’ here is a sexualized behavior.
Roger Ballescà points out, however, that in most cases, children are capable of understanding that what is normal with the closest family is not with others. “Sometimes children see adults kiss on the lips and imitate them, what happens is that there are families that tell them that this is something for ‘boyfriends’, while there are other parents who consent to it. I do not believe that neither one nor the other is good or bad, but, I repeat, it has to do with the context in which it occurs”.
Without forgetting, as Anna Plans points out, that some pediatricians recommend avoiding this practice with the little ones for hygienic reasons. “There is no solid consensus regarding scientific evidence, but it is argued that kissing on the mouth could transmit germs and bacteria that could cause diseases. Babies and young children have developing immune systems, which could make them more susceptible to infection.”//
