“I never imagined that I wouldn’t have grandchildren. “I come from a large family and there have always been many of us, so I didn’t think this could happen.” Conchi is 78 years old and has four children, but none of them have had children. Now that the “little one” has turned 45, he considers the possibilities closed, although he warns: “She would have been the greatest grandmother.”
She married when she was 25 and lost her job when she became pregnant. She then decided that she would dedicate herself for a time to taking care of her children. In seven years she had all four. And when she was 40 and the children were already a little grown, the whole family had to move to Valladolid for work reasons.
The first thing he noticed was the displays of baby clothes and accessories. “My eyes were going away! In Euskadi, where we came from, it is an issue that is looked at a lot, and I wanted to make sure that when the grandchildren came, they would have the best. But the years went by and one day I realized that this might not happen. That these grandchildren would not arrive. And I stopped looking at these shop windows.”
“At first, when people asked me “and you don’t have grandchildren?”, I got angry. Not now. Everything has happened in a very calm way. I got the idea and we fit it in as naturally as possible.” And that, when I was little, my third daughter, María, always said that she wanted to have three children!
Conchi explains that, despite coming from a large family, she also has few nephews. “Now we are five sisters, and all of them have had ‘only’ two children.” In 2023, Spain registered the lowest number of births in its history: less than three hundred thousand children. A figure never seen since the National Institute of Statistics carried out measurements. The INE also reveals that for several months there have been more births to mothers over 40 than to mothers under 25. Therefore, many grandparents will be very old when they have grandchildren and some children will not be able to meet their grandparents.
With this data… Is it good to make so many plans for the future that sometimes they are frustrated? “People make a projection,” explains the clinical psychologist specializing in old age and secretary of the Governing Board of the Official College of Psychology of Catalonia (COPC), Teresa Moratalla. “We project the things we want our children to have, with a desire to last, to have significance. Know that after your children the legacy will continue. Most of us prefer to think that what we have done, our time in this world, has a certain duration.”
Does our family end here? What will happen to the last name? Or even… Who will keep this ring? These are some of the questions we can ask ourselves. Although Moratalla clarifies that the projections are neither good nor bad. “It’s just how we operate. The problem is when we have too high an expectation that can generate frustration.”
“What is clear,” warns the psychologist, “is that we cannot get involved in our children’s lives. Their decisions belong to them. Yes, we can tell them what we would like, say that we can help them if they need it, or that they can count on us, but in the end each person has the right to decide.”
Conchi explains that deep down she understands her children because she has always instilled in them that we bring the children and that we must be consistent. “It is a great responsibility! —he says—In addition, the pace of life that some professions demand makes it difficult to dedicate the time that children deserve.”
In fact, according to the INE, one of the main reasons women have for delaying motherhood is related to work-related causes and the lack of reconciliation between family life and work. Economic reasons also have weight. And when asked about the reasons for not having children in the future, the economy, the lack of balance between family and work life, and not wanting to be mothers also stand out. Age reasons are also among the reasons both among those under 30 and those 45 and over.
“What cannot happen either,” Moratalla makes clear, “is that grandparents end up acting as parents. This is the other extreme. It is different to have grandchildren and enjoy them from time to time than to take care of them. The age to do this is not that of an older person, they have already completed this stage. There are grandparents who are absolutely stressed, with a level of occupations that does not correspond to them and that they cannot manage either. And this has to be able to be limited.”
How do you make up for not having grandchildren? “Everyone has to find their activity and decide what dedication they dedicate to them,” explains this psychologist. “What is clear is that when we leave work life it is important to stay active. This involves not only physical gymnastics, but also mental gymnastics. Doing an activity forces you to take care of yourself, to stay up to date, to socialize, to not be isolated… And this is very positive for people’s health.” And even more so at a stage when the number of losses increases and so do the grieving processes.
Conchi says she has a very sociable life, and has even enrolled in university. He also belongs to different social and volunteer causes and says that it comforts him to think that the money that might have gone to his grandchildren goes to help people in need. He now also has a new project around him. She and her husband think about selling the house and returning to Vitoria. “Without my children, our house has become big and empty. And there we have more family. And although I am afraid to make a move, I have been told that there are companies that make it quite easy for you. So I don’t rule anything out.”
