The death of any loved one is, without a doubt, a painful ordeal that we have to go through sooner or later. However, the loss of a partner can be one of the most devastating milestones. You have to face a new life without that person who has been one of the most important pillars and traveling companion for decades.
Grief is a natural and emotional response mechanism to the loss of someone, who has been important to us, and when it occurs after the age of 55, it has its special peculiarities. According to the latest data from the National Institute of Statistics (INE), in Spain there are more than 2.5 million widowers, of both sexes, over 55, of which just over 80% are women.
But not only the numerical data matters. The psychologist Paola Rivera is responsible for the program At the end of life, of the Vivo Sano Foundation. He explains that, in seniors, mourning is not only for the death of the other person, but also involves realizing our own moment in life, that the years pass for everyone and that the horizon of death appears each time. closest. “We may think that we will have lived more than half our lives and that there are things we will probably no longer do. In addition, the transformation of the body also reminds us that we are aging.”
To this, we must add the idea that the future plans of a couple who have been together for 20, 30, 40 years or more have been postponed until the children grow up, have more time, have finished paying the mortgage or they retire “Losing a partner at these ages forces us to relocate everything,” says the also collaborator of the Psychologists center in Torrelodones. “That expected moment arrives, but the person with whom you had those dreams is no longer there,” she says.
Feeling overwhelmed, bewildered or stunned is common in people who are going through grief, but it is always worth remembering that it is a unique, personal and non-transferable process: no one is the same as the other, neither in intensity, nor in characteristics, nor in time, nor in a vital moment. In order to better understand what happens to us after losing a partner, psychologist Ana Lucas, director of the Psycho-Health center, explains to us the model of the five phases of grief, described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, which is They usually observe: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
It is not a certain science, so not all people go through all of them, nor, if they do, do they adhere to the same order, nor with the same intensity or with the same duration, they have only been suggested to get to know us better.
Lucas emphasizes the first blow, the initial shock. “Loss paralyzes you, since your body and your brain will have a hard time moving forward because they are blocked by the pain. If the loss is the result of an illness and you have had time to anticipate the end, it is much easier and more emotionally manageable, although the impact is equally strong.”
“It all happened very quickly, in five minutes I went from seeing him next to me to losing him. That’s hard to digest. The first year, I didn’t eat (I lost 9 kilos), I didn’t go out, I didn’t laugh, I didn’t even talk to others. When I returned to my town, where my husband died, I didn’t want to see anyone and all the places reminded me of him.” This is what Araceli Amela (75 years old) tells us, who was with her husband when he suffered a heart attack 15 years ago. They had been married for 34 years, had three children, and he had been her first boyfriend. We are not prepared for a moment like this, and even less so with such a sudden death.
The psychologist Paola Rivera maintains that “emotions will always be very intense; Everyone experiences the initial shock, but in these cases, the phases of denial and sadness can also last longer. It is a game over without warning: you were advancing in the game and, suddenly, the game is over and you lose. What is done now?”
In the case of death after an illness, the impact is also strong, but, at least, it gives a respite. Mar Villasante is 60 years old, lives in Madrid, and has been a widow since 2019, when she lost her husband due to lung cancer. She says that she has accepted him from day one. “I already knew what was going to happen since the diagnosis, a year and a half ago. She gave us time to prepare, say goodbye, talk about death. I took it all with resignation. It was the second time we had gone through this illness and I simply thought that we had to move on.”
Mar does not remember ever having denied it or even having felt anger. “Just enormous sadness and being more aware of my children, aged 18 and 14, who were angry.” The psychologist from Torrelodones says that in this way, the loss can be faced with greater serenity, with greater consolation. “Many times, death even brings a slight relief to both.”
Experts do not establish a “normal” duration of grief. It will depend on each person’s biography, the relationship, the moment, the support, etc. Experts talk about one or two years, but only as a reference. Rivera points out that “the important thing is not time, but the limitation that this loss presents in daily life and that the person can realize that it is possible to resume their own life and that does not mean forgetting the loved one.”
Mar has been a widow for 5 years, but for less than that she has been trying to do the things she likes like walking her dog and going to the theater as often as she can. “I could even consider a romantic relationship,” she confesses, laughing. It took Araceli 10 years to leave her sadness behind. To rebuild herself, it was good for her to have a hobby such as singing and also a little “nudge”: “one day, my cousin insisted that I go sing at the church in my town. I didn’t feel like it, and although not too convinced, I went. It was from that time that I began to recover, little by little.” When she returned to Badalona, ??where she lives, she gathered strength and joined a choir at a senior center. “Every time I felt like I could go out more, that I could talk to friends, that I could laugh again.” Ten years after the death of her husband, just after a mass in her honor, she clearly closed the cycle. “It was leaving the church, sighing deeply, and feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It took me 10 years, but now I can go to the movies, travel with friends, go out and go to all the places I went with him, without a problem. “I think about my husband every day, but I’m not sad anymore.”
According to an article by Dr. Jaime Sanz Ortiz, head of the Medical Oncology and Palliative Care Service, at the Marqués de Valdecilla University Hospital (Santander), 19 to 24% of patients in psychiatric consultation have unresolved grief. In addition to extending and making the pain chronic and preventing us from rebuilding our lives, not closing the process can lead to physical illnesses. The expert refers to a survey that reveals that 55% of primary care doctors frequently detect problems, especially cardiovascular problems, in grieving family members.
The psychologist Paola Rivera brings together some of the strategies that we can follow to go through grief in the best way and be able to rebuild our lives.
