What have you understood about the human being?
We all want the same things: happiness, connection with other people, affection. What divides us is illusion. And not everything, but there is suffering that is optional.
Do you believe in happiness?
20 years ago I inherited the baton from the longest and most detailed study on happiness in history. We videotape couples and families in their homes to study their interaction and interview them separately, and I can give you the conditions that support happiness.
The study has been running for 85 years.
And what amazes me the most is the fact that good relationships protect physical health: how can a good relationship protect us against cardiovascular or joint diseases?
…
At first we did not believe our own data, but it is irrefutable. Good relationships are stress regulators.
Stress is part of life.
The problem is when it is chronic, and we are sure that loneliness is a chronic stressor, the body maintains high cortisol and chronic inflammation, a situation that damages many systems of the body.
We live in the century of loneliness.
The study says that one in three people feels lonely, it’s a pandemic!, especially in developed countries. In England there is a minister of Solitude because it is a very serious social problem.
And it spreads.
Also in India and China there is a lot of concern about the destruction of family structures.
Something’s not working.
The decline of social life began in the 1950s with the introduction of the television in homes. But in 2005 there was a big downturn in our social activity with the use of social networks.
We are in a very scary moment.
Yes, it is something very tragic. When I was a child we trusted the government, our neighbors. Now there is no trust, there is no community, and that creates restlessness.
What should we understand to be happier?
The important thing is to listen to the voices that make us trust in the human being, and to be clear that taking care of social relationships makes us happier, without a doubt.
Even the superficial ones?
Of course, the relationship with the waiter who serves you coffee, with whom you sell your bread, the supermarket cashier… these relationships make us feel part of a human community, taking care to maintain them is the attitude of the people happier according to our study.
In close relationships is where there is more conflict.
No important relationship exists without conflicts, but if we can resolve them, and there are methods, the relationship becomes more stable.
The human is short-sighted and violent.
Yes, but most people are kind and compassionate. There are many good deeds in the world that we do not see. We watch and read the news about conflicts and violence.
It’s true.
When I read the newspapers my well-being goes down. I have studied thousands of lives and the vast majority are good and peaceful people, but our brain is attracted to violence, I am very sorry.
Taking care of yourself is another milestone of happiness.
People who take care of their health live between 10 and 15 years longer. You know: not drinking, not smoking, getting regular exercise, these are very important things for health and longevity. And it is not my opinion, it is scientific data.
To take care of health you have to have illusion.
If it is lost, the illusion is recovered, it is a crisis of the soul. There are people in our study who have no expectations of finding love or friendship, and they do. There are many surprises in life and this is what we have seen in thousands of lifetimes.
Does life hold unexpected surprises?
Yes. Life is not linear. Mine neither. I didn’t want to be a psychiatrist but an actor and I found zen by accident. Two pillars of my life.
Now you are a zen master.
I’ve spent my entire adult life at Harvard, where intelligence, recognition, publishing is highly valued. And I have discovered that this is a deception that makes us suffer, and that this suffering is optional.
Any other significant data?
No one has perfect lives quite like the edited lives on Instagram. The myth of perfect happiness is a hoax.
What can we do for ourselves?
Prioritize relationships: They can be difficult, complicated, but the benefits are profound, barring toxic relationships.
