“A big kiss to all of you who say that ‘zero contact’ doesn’t work, because now I can tell you that it does and with proof,” says Cristina Temprano Otero, a recent graduate of Psychology at the University of Salamanca (21). , in a viral tweet from early July, in which he shares his final degree project. In an online questionnaire to 240 women and 83 men between the ages of 15 and 28, the zero contact strategy appeared as the fifth most used and was perceived as the third most effective in getting over a breakup.
“The one they used the most was social and family support, then emotional expression, the use of humor and also distractions, that is, having their heads occupied so as not to constantly think about the subject. But many times we use several tools at the same time to overcome a rupture, they are not exclusive”, says Early Otero to La Vanguardia.
She decided to work on this topic after having experienced it in the first person. “It is a strategy that I have used in my first love breakups and it has worked for me. Stopping keeping in touch with the other person, knowing what they are doing and who they are with, allows you to really rebuild your life ”, she explains. Can eliminating all kinds of contact with an ex-partner help you forget them faster?
“It is not only an effective strategy but also the most recommendable one, especially when there are still feelings towards the other person”, indicates the psychologist Judit March and adds: “This distance allows to calm the state of mind, helps the two people to think more clearly what their needs are and to be able to forget about the ex-partner. There are feelings that need to be processed without the presence of the other person.”
On the contrary, it indicates that “maintaining contact, be it physical or virtual, at the beginning of a breakup generates blocks in the grieving process. You can feed what we call ‘reunion fantasy’, that is, the hope of getting back together with your partner. This makes it very difficult to disengage from that person and can worsen the emotional effects of the breakup.
Couples therapist Patricia Maguet agrees. “We recommend zero contact because, although it is a painful option, it is the best way to face the reality of the breakup with all its consequences,” he explains, although he clarifies that it is especially useful “when the only thing that unites the couple is their own relationship. It is much more complicated when the bond goes further because, for example, there are children or a business in common, the workplace or groups of friends are shared.” In these cases -he explains-, “the more you share, the it will be more necessary to establish clear limits, always with the aim of limiting pain and suffering”.
“Zero contact is very necessary. It is the way to be able to internalize that this person is no longer in your life as your partner, which is something very difficult to do, especially when there is a very strong emotional dependency”, says Sara Canabal (30), who responds to the questions from La Vanguardia by telephone, during her honeymoon with her current partner. Five years ago, she was able to end a relationship that she had begun at the age of 19 and that she had been dragging on for almost eight years, with many twists and turns in between.
Last year, he created a TikTok channel (@verdadverdadera1) that today has more than 240,000 followers, where he shares what that toxic relationship was like and explains how avoiding all kinds of contact with his ex was what allowed him to get over it. “As often happens with toxic relationships, at first everything is idyllic but then manipulation begins and makes you feel inferior. After so many years enduring such bad treatment, I told myself that this was not what I wanted, that he could not be my husband or the father of my children,” explains Canabal, adding: “We already lived together. One day, I told him my decision and applied zero contact.” She deleted it and blocked “everywhere.” Since then, she has never heard from him again.
Sara not only eliminated her ex-partner from her digital life. “I had everyone super warned that I did not want to receive information from this person. I knew that anything I found out would make me want to know more and want to talk. A little path was going to open up again, we would relate again and that was only going to hurt me, ”she explains. “You have to have a lot of strength, because there is a small part of you that deep down is hoping that he finds a way to break that ‘zero contact’, that wants him to remember that old email address you had, write to you to tell you that he misses you and come back. In the short term it is very painful but in the long term it is for the best. There is no other way to move on,” she says.
“Zero contact for me has been paramount because I don’t know how much longer I would have continued in that spiral of self-destruction,” says Ana (31) and adds: “After six years of relationship, I realized too late that I was living with a narcissist who had completely undermined my personality. I could no longer tolerate so much disrespect and I decided that I could not see myself with that person anymore.
He still remembers it painfully. “It cost me a lot. We had already left him several times but it was enough for him to write to me a few months later to test me out so that we could see each other again in secret”, he confesses and adds: “I have had other breakups and I have ex-partners with whom I have continued to deal and I get along very well . This was the first time that I found myself in a tortuous situation of having left and returned several times, of crying every day.
Zero contact was the only way he found to get out of that toxic relationship. One day she made up her mind, left the keys to the apartment they shared at his parents’ house, and blocked him on all his social networks. “I’ve been ‘zero contact’ for three years,” she says. It has not been easy. “It was just as hard as when I quit smoking. In the end, you have a very strong dependency. It’s still hard for me. Sometimes I have had an interest or need to look at what his life was like. I’ve even come to worry if he was okay. But then I realized that that would only hurt me more. I had to reread many WhatsApp conversations to remember the damage it had done to me.
“In cases in which there is a lot of emotional dependence, the ex-partner is often idealized, their qualities are magnified and their defects are minimized”, indicates Judit March and adds: “So, yes, certain resources or exercises, such as doing a list with things that were not good about the relationship or rereading WhatsApp messages that show us that this person is not so good or did not love us in an authentic way, can help reinforce the idea that it is better not to be in that relationship ”.
“It seems to me a very good strategy”, says the couples therapist Patricia Maguet about this and adds: “I am very much in favor of writing letters to ourselves, in moments of calm, to remember why the breakup has been our best option, letters for when I feel like writing to my partner, for when I think I will never be able to get over this breakup or when I hear from my ex-partner that hurts me. We can read and reread them at times when we need them. As if they were lifeguards.”
The expert insists on the importance of understanding that “breakups are painful, sad, they generate anger and guilt. You don’t have to feel bad for feeling bad, for needing time to be well again. Sometimes the environment is in a hurry, but it is a very big change at all levels, which requires an adaptation process to rebuild life little by little”.
For her part, the psychologist Judit March also advises “giving yourself permission to feel, cry, think or be alone if that is what you want”. She, in turn, insists on the importance of “seeking a support network, talking to people you trust, venting emotions, focusing on self-care, trying to stay active and maintaining a routine.”
Ana is clear about what she would say to someone who is going through this situation: “That they reread those WhatsApp messages over and over again, that they be brave and strong, that they try. It is not from today to tomorrow. Costs. But even if it seems that the well is very deep, it is possible to get out”.
