The third season finale of Gilmore Girls, a 2000s series about a young single mother and her daughter, closes with her high school graduation. In her speech, the girl (Rory) thanks her mother for being her “greatest inspiration,” “her best friend,” and “her guide for everything.” The secure attachment between the two protagonists is palpable from the first episode to the last. It is the essence of the series and without the relationship between the two, there would not be the success of Amy Sherman-Palladino nor the number of fans who followed her story, who saw the relationship they had with their mother reflected in the two protagonists.
“If you ask people between twenty-five and thirty-five years old who they would trust with a secret, it is always their mother,” says mediator Adrián Arroyo Díaz-Morera. Nicole, who only wants to identify herself by her name, is an engineer and has lived outside of Spain for a few years. He explains that she has always had a close relationship with her mother. They call each Sunday “without fail,” and one or two additional times a week. “Maybe it’s too much?” Nicole asks.
Psychologist John Bowlby conceptualized attachment theory in the 1970s. He said that the relationship between mother and child is essential for the physical and emotional development of the child and subsequently, for development in their adult life. Bowlby stated that secure attachment is the result of an exchange of care, security, and comfort.
Psychologist Julia Cuetos explains that “attachment plays a crucial role during early emotional development, from pregnancy, but also as a constant influence throughout an individual’s life, as it shapes interpersonal relationships and emotional well-being.” . A person who has been raised in a secure attachment environment will become a person who is secure in himself, as well as in the rest of his relationships. “Through attachment bonds we interpret our experiences, respond to challenges and seek support,” adds Cuetos.
Nicole confesses that, when she was little, she thought her mother was “a hero,” since she was the only single mother in the environment in which she grew up. “Then, when you get older, you realize that they are just as imperfect as us,” she explains. Between comings and goings, they always lived together, cultivating a devoted relationship between them, until she started university and the relationship was soured by a late-adolescent rebellion. Then came the pandemic, confinement and the uncertainty of having to live together for months locked up without getting along. However, it was at that moment that the relationship bore fruit. “Covid was the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to us,” admits Nicole.
On the other hand, Carmen, who does not want to reveal her identity, explains that her relationship with her mother has never been good. “My childhood and adolescence have been zero emotional; “Zero is zero,” admits Carmen. It wasn’t until they shared a common interest, the same university studies, that they began to get along. Even so, Carmen explains that she calls her mother “at least once a week to tell her how things are going for me.” She describes the relationship as “very strange…it has made me spend a lot of money on psychologists.”
While generation Z is more aware of their mental health and turns to therapists and professionals to heal and increase their well-being, as indicated in the report Generation Z: Shaping the Future of Consumer Trends prepared by consulting firm Oliver Wayman, past generations They are more reluctant to ask for help to manage their emotions and relationships.
Those who are now mothers, fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers did not go to therapists at the time because “it was frowned upon.” Now they refuse to do therapy “because it makes them dizzy,” explains Adrián Arroyo Díaz-Morera. This is because they see the figure of the psychologist as a punishment, someone who will point out and reproach them for what they have done wrong. “They have the feeling that they are going to be told of their mistakes and they don’t want to expose themselves,” Arroyo describes. Furthermore, he adds that sitting in therapy can be “something very painful” due to the responsibility that comes with having hurt a person, and even more so having been a reference person, a caregiver figure and “having hurt someone. who they want,” explains Arroyo.
This is where vulnerability and the need for a stronger bond with parents appears, especially the mother. Generation Z, those born between 1990 and 2010, are also often attributed to being “the crystal generation”, a metaphor coined by the philosopher and former representative of the Parliament of Catalonia Montserrat Nebreda. In 2012 she described this generation of emotionally fragile adolescents and young people as more sensitive and vulnerable than they appear due to overprotection in their upbringing by their families.
This is largely due to this secure attachment in which they were raised and that they still maintain and that has nothing to do with the education that both their parents and grandparents received: authoritarian, severe and with rigid rules. Nebreda described, among other symptoms of this emotional fragility, the extreme dependence on his security figures and his inability to make decisions.
However, more than a decade later, it is a concept that is in the spotlight, because according to current experts, most of them belonging to the so-called “glass generation”, being vulnerable is not bad, on the contrary. In any case, it is the adjective, “crystal”, that determines the fragility and weakness of people who only seek to improve their personal well-being in their lives. “We cannot understand the need for bonding as a ‘weakness’, since it is totally necessary for our development and psychological well-being,” Cuetos argues.
Furthermore, they are labeled as vulnerable for wanting to talk to professionals as well as to members of the same family and their mothers. “For me they are different things. When you are vulnerable you become transparent to a person and explain what you need from them. For example, I would like you to spend more time with me, because I need more connection with you. That doesn’t make you weaker,” defends Arroyo Díaz-Morera. She explains that, on the contrary, being explicit with your needs towards loved ones and figures of security and care is essential to transforming into a more autonomous person. “You identify what you need from the other person and at the same time you recognize this dependency that exists and that allows for better communication and a much stronger bond,” explains Arroyo Díaz-Morera.
María Fernández is a philologist and writer. She explains that she talks to her mother “at least four times a week” and also spends a weekend with her every two weeks “religiously.” Since she was little, she has had a very close relationship, “I have never felt the need to hide absolutely anything from her,” reflects Fernández. Despite an up and down in her relationship, Fernández recognizes that “getting away from her was not an option” and decided to seek psychological help to reconnect the bond, since “it is one of the pillars of my life,” she admits.
Psychologist Julia Cuetos explains that the relationship with parents is “something that is maintained throughout life.” He clarifies that, during childhood, the relationship is vertical, because “parents have that responsibility”, but with the passage of time, the figures of security and “refuge and exploration” provide all the emotional capacities necessary for that girl or boy. child, “they turn to that figure over the years.” Therefore, when the relationship becomes horizontal, the roles change and the children assume that part of care and responsibility. “It is the positive consequence of these figures having responded appropriately when the children were young. In the end it is the fruit that is collected”, describes Cuetos.
If secure attachment has occurred correctly and is healthy, mothers will turn to their children, and children will turn to their mothers as reference figures, “from another perspective, but with the same function, in need of comfort and resource,” Cuetos clarifies
