“When we go anywhere, they always think that we are mother and daughter and we have to clarify that we are a couple,” say Sara Amat (59) and Maria Gasa (28). They are 31 years apart and have been together for six. They met through a dating app and never left each other again. How do you live love when there is an age difference? What happens when people from different generations fall in love? Can a couple be sustained despite being in different stages of life?
“For a couple to work, age is not a central issue. The important thing is that it is a relationship that includes love, communication, affection, friendship, interest, mutual care, trust, intimacy, support, tolerance, shared values, harmony, complicity, the ability to resolve conflicts, sexual satisfaction… All of this is not It has to be at odds with age or with one person being in one moment of life and the other in another,” says psychologist Carolina Palau, from the Dendros Psychology Center in Barcelona.
“We notice the age difference in ways of thinking. “Sara has lived a lot and that makes her have more conservative thoughts, such as the need to have a stable economy and a minimally solved short-term future,” explains María Gasa. She, on the contrary, is “more about living in the moment and enjoying, without thinking much about the future.”
However, both explain, this difference is diluted quite a bit by the fact that they are both “very energetic and free.” Also, because they maintain their individualities. “We respect each other, we have common friendships and others that are not. “Each one has its space.” For Sara Amat, being with a younger person “encourages you to do things and have experiences that you might not experience.” Maria Gasa says that she learns every day from Sara, “because she really is a very sensible, cultured person with many values.”
According to psychologist Carolina Palau, “being in different stages of life, there may be different individual needs, which have to be respected.” However, she clarifies that “this is something general for all couples. The couple must be a space in which to grow individually alongside another person, so that there can be balance, there are no inequalities or power relationships are generated.”
Although the age difference has never been an impediment for Sara and Maria, it has posed certain challenges for them. “For example, in terms of work, where one is about to retire and the other has a whole professional life ahead of her,” they point out and add: “We can’t fool ourselves either. Biologically, the remaining life span of one is not the same as the other.”
More than once, Sara and Maria have noticed “the typical little looks of disapproval or received some disparaging criticism.” On their shared TikTok channel (@somossaraymaria) they have received a lot of hate. “There are people who believe they are free to affirm that a relationship with so many years of difference is abuse of power on the part of the person who is older. From our point of view, this is not the case. There doesn’t have to be emotional abuse just because there is an age difference,” they both maintain.
“Power hierarchies are not something that necessarily has to do with age, but more with the type of relationship. The age difference is not a problem in itself. The problem may be how this difference is being experienced,” says Carolina Palau and adds: “It is important to take into account how both people were chosen, why they were chosen, what they were looking for in each other, what they have projected in the other.” ”.
“The power relationship does not occur due to the simple fact of being one age or another. It has to do with how one positions oneself in the couple,” says the Founder and Director of the Clinical Psychology Center in Badalona, ??clinical psychologist Mercè Rovira, and indicates that “Depending on that, the relationship develops in a healthy or conflictive way. If one of the members gives the other the power to decide because it is assumed that he knows more or has more experience, then there can be a power relationship. That’s something we’re seeing more and more in teen relationships these days.”
Also – he indicates – “there are couples in which one of the members takes the place of father or mother, but this cannot be generalized nor is it exclusive to couples with an age difference. For it to be a healthy couple, both people have to position themselves as their own adults.”
“The age difference is noticeable, but for us it has never been a problem. “Society is more than ourselves,” say Rafael, 43, and his partner of about two years, Ana, 25. They met while working together in an ambulance service, in which more than one patient asked them if they were father and daughter.
At first, his family and friends were not betting on the relationship. “Her mother was angry, she wanted her daughter to be with someone her age. She is normal. As a father, I understand it,” says Rafael and assures that today he has a great relationship with his mother-in-law. When the three of them go out together, he says, people don’t quite understand which of the two is his partner. “My mother-in-law and I are only five years apart, we look the same age,” he explains. He and Ana have been together for almost twenty years.
“It is society that does not accept, that does not understand that these people can understand each other and lead a life together,” says psychologist Mercè Rovira and adds: “It is a social taboo because it is out of the ordinary and human beings tend to to reject what you don’t understand. But when these people are clear about it, even though they may encounter problems with their family, friends or environment, they move forward. I have no experience in consulting couples who come to me to ask for help due to an age difference, but rather they come to me to ask if I can help them with relationship issues.”
Ana and Rafael are aware that they are in very different stages of life. “I don’t want the years to go by and for her to have the feeling that she has had a lot left to live. That is why I have never wanted to close the doors to her from going out to party and doing all those things that I have already experienced,” he says. “He has three children, he has already experienced many more things than me. He is much more mature in some situations, he values ??other types of things,” says Ana and clarifies that many of his differences make them complement each other: “He is much calmer and I am more active, for example.”
Ana and Rafael have received many hateful comments on social networks. “There will always be people who want to do harm. They have said many ugly things to us. From the fact that she is with me for money, to the fact that what does she do with someone so old, that I will never give her the same thing that she could give someone her age or that I look like her grandfather,” says Rafael. “We don’t give it importance, we take it as a joke. “We are happy,” they both agree.
“If the issues about the age difference are worked on from an emotional point of view, this couple does not have to feel damaged or offended by external comments, because they have already worked on it on an emotional level and therefore have somewhere to put it. It is not going to be an issue of conflict between them, nor a reason that could put pressure on the relationship,” explains psychologist Carolina Palau.
As he indicates, “social pressure is an issue that is usually addressed in couples therapy when there is a significant age difference. It is positive and constructive to do mutual work on this.”
Neus, 26, also felt social prejudice. “They have told me very ugly comments: what did I do with him, that he was a pedophile, a ‘crib robber’, that we didn’t hit together,” she recalls, about the relationship she had at the age of 18 with someone 13 years old. older than her, 32. “I came from a two-year abusive relationship. And of course, seeing a 32-year-old kid who had a job, who seemed to have his life figured out, he was like my savior,” she remembers. They were together for six years.
“The difference was very noticeable,” says Neus and explains: “I was still very young. He no longer went out to party and sometimes he would pick me up one day after going out when I was feeling very bad and he would scold me. I told him: ‘You look more like my father than my boyfriend.'” The age difference was very evident on a day-to-day basis. “He had a very specific routine, he knew each other a lot, he had his coffee, his games, his work, and I didn’t. For me, every day was different. It was also noticeable that we had a very different mentality when it came to talking about the future,” says Neus.
Towards the end of the relationship, it was an issue that began to weigh on him. “When we were 18 and 32, it didn’t seem like much to me. But, over time, I saw that he was getting older and I thought that at some point I would have to take care of him,” she confesses.
This wasn’t the first time he had a relationship with someone older. At 14 years old, she spent ten months dating a 21-year-old boy. “I didn’t see the difference, for me it was only seven years. But they did tell me that she took advantage of me a little, although I don’t believe it,” she remembers and explains: “When my parents found out, there was a lot of trouble. They told me: ‘Either you get him out of your life or we report him.’ I had to block it.”
Psychologist Carolina Palau clarifies that “although the age difference does not have to be a relevant factor when determining whether a couple is going to work or not, one thing is the age difference between two adults who freely choose to be together, and “It’s another very different story between a minor and an adult, also with a very high age difference.”
In these cases, he points out, “we should investigate what leads the adolescent, who is normally a girl, to choose such an older person, and vice versa. Usually, parents initiate, and it is what is recommended to do, a therapeutic process so that the minor can break down the reasons for that choice, see what has happened there, what she is looking for through that union.
As explained by the criminal lawyer, Doctor of Law and university professor of criminal law, Jaume Antich, “according to article 181 of the current penal code, acts of a sexual nature with a minor under sixteen years of age are considered a crime, with a penalty of prison that can range from two to six years.” However – points out the expert – “article 183 bis excludes from criminal liability cases in which there is proximity due to age and degree of development or physical and psychological maturity, and where there is explicit and unequivocal consent of the minor, that is, a consent that has been freely expressed through acts that, taking into account the circumstances of the case, clearly express the will of the person.”
