“I realized that he was a very demanding person. If you didn’t do what she wanted, she would get angry,” explains Antonella, 29 years old. “The first time I set a limit for her, she got angry and never spoke to me again,” says María (this is not her real name), 33, about a friendship she had had since she was six years old. and it ended two ago. What are the most common ‘red flags’ or warning signs in friendship relationships? What attitudes or behaviors should set off our alarms?
The first ‘red flag’, says psychologist Carolina Palau, from the Dendros Psychology Center in Barcelona, ??is feeling uncomfortable, with negative emotions of discomfort, anxiety or sadness, or the fact that ruminative thoughts are triggered, either before, during or after seeing or talking to the other person.
“That is my body activating my alert system, telling me that there is something that does not fit,” explains Palau, although he clarifies: “It is important to first check if the discomfort that this person activates in me does not really have to do with some internal wound or not. resolved.”
For psychologists Rosa Benito San Deogracias and Laura García Mateo-Sagasta, founders of the Scala Psicología center in Madrid, among the most common signs that could indicate that a friendship relationship is not beneficial, are the lack of reciprocity at the level of emotional support or an imbalance in the effort put into the relationship, a lack of trust, constant arguments or disagreements without resolution, and a lack of emotional support during difficult times.
However, the experts clarify, although there may be behaviors that most people could consider unacceptable in a friendship, “such as betrayal, lack of trust or manipulation,” the ‘red flags’ are truly personal and subjective. . “They are closely linked to the individual values, needs and limits of each person,” they say and indicate that “For example, someone who values ??open communication might consider a lack of emotional expression a ‘red flag’, while someone who values ??independence , could interpret excess attention as a warning sign.”
María explains that in their friendship the listening was not mutual. “Lately, she was dealing with a lot of things and I always lent her ear. We live in different cities and I tried to accompany her, even if she was from a distance. But things also happened to me,” she says. She did not feel heard or understood by her friend. That was the first sign that something in that bond was not working well.
Later, there was “a straw that broke the camel’s back” and helped him confirm that “he was in a toxic friendship relationship,” he says. “I had a week-long vacation already planned with my partner and she asked me if she could join. I explained to him that we needed to take that time as a couple, just the two of us. I asked him not to come for more than two or three days,” María recalls.
Although at first her friend seemed to understand, after a while she told her that she had taken tickets for the entire week. “I was frozen. At that moment, I realized that I was afraid to say something to him. After more than twenty years of relationship, she couldn’t tell him things honestly. I was afraid of her reaction. I was crying because I knew I was on the verge of the end of our relationship. And I loved her very much,” says María.
“In my case, there wasn’t something very big that made me realize it. There were many small bad attitudes, which wore me down and showed what she was like,” explains Antonella for her part. The last one she remembers was a scene of jealousy, followed by unjustified anger. That was what put an end to the link.
For Carolina Palau, a good way to identify if a relationship is toxic is to contrast it with what a healthy relationship should be. “A nourishing friendship should generate a feeling of internal well-being, of trust. Each one should be able to be shown as it is. The other person is happy about the good things that happen to me and we can grow together,” she says.
Palau prefers not to talk about toxic people, but about people who, whether due to unmet needs, self-esteem problems, unresolved past stories or other reasons, have negative behaviors. What would these behaviors be? “Selfishness, victimhood and being settled in constant complaints, bitterness or sadness. Manipulation or using you to get something. The fact of not being able to see beyond herself and not being able to rejoice in your achievements. Also dependent behavior, with permanent demand, not leaving room for the freedom of the other and generating guilt. And, finally, attracting a lot of attention and making everything about him or her,” says the psychologist.
What to do if we notice these alarming behaviors? “I couldn’t talk about it. I let a lot of things that bothered me come together and that ultimately led me to distance myself from that person. I didn’t speak any more and cut that link. We are no longer friends,” explains Antonella and assures: “I think that if something like this happened to me again now, I would handle it differently. With more time and therapy, I realized that it is best to talk about the things that are bothering you at the moment. Don’t let them accumulate. “I would set the limits earlier to not let the situation escalate to this point.”
María decided to call her friend to explain how she felt. Her “At first she told me she understood, but then she sent me a horrible message. I tried to talk again but she never answered me again,” she says. Two years later, they still have not regained contact. “I even went through a pregnancy, but we never spoke again. That for me was the last confirmation that ours was not a good relationship. The fact of not being able to speak, try to fix things, explain to the other person what hurt you and also ask for forgiveness,” says María.
“If your reaction to me explaining what I need is to make you angrier, then you are in some way reconfirming what I already thought. You have to trust your own intuition, it is there for a reason,” says psychologist Carolina Palau. “You can redirect a toxic relationship, but it is super important to keep in mind that friendships are one of the few chosen relationships we have. We should be very selective,” she adds.
Something that can help bring positions closer together – explains Palau – may be to try to analyze where these toxic behaviors come from. “Many times, when I connect with the other’s backpack, with their life history and with the reasons that may be leading them to have certain attitudes, I can empathize,” she says.
If you decide to continue with that relationship, says the psychologist, it is important to know how to set limits assertively. “You have to put them in a concrete way so that the other also feels seen and valued. If I only approach it from what I need, without empathizing with the needs that the other person may have, they may feel attacked and then communication is no longer possible,” she warns.
“Identifying ‘red flags’ in a friendship is a brave first step towards self-care,” say Rosa Benito and Laura García, psychologists at the ScalaPsicología center, who recommend trying to start an honest and open dialogue with that person, establishing clear limits and doing a self-reflection to see if there are also own attitudes to improve.
“In more difficult situations, distancing can provide clarity. Professional help can also provide guidance and strategies to improve that relationship,” the experts say and add: “The priority is your emotional well-being. If, despite your efforts, the friendship continues to be harmful, do not hesitate to make decisions that protect your mental health.”
“If you feel that the relationship is already very deteriorated, maybe you should give it some space and see what happens,” says psychologist Carolina Palau and adds: “Many times we are under the myth that a friendship relationship has to last forever.” life, but people evolve. Maybe that link stops making sense and that connection no longer exists.”
“After grieving that friendship that was broken, I was able to realize that it was a relationship that was not really good for me. I couldn’t tell him what was happening to me, I couldn’t speak without fear of how he would react. I didn’t feel like she was there for me in the same way that I was there for her. That’s not a good friendship. It doesn’t lead to anything,” says María and adds: “I don’t know if I would say I’m happy. But I do feel lighter.”