The prevailing belief in many parts of the world is that having children is the key to happiness, and that people who do not have them do not feel fulfilled. But is it really like that? The answer to this question is both simple and complex, and the degree of satisfaction you feel in life, whether you decide to have children or not, depends on many complex factors.
Let’s first look at the simple answer: no, it is not necessary to have children to be happy and feel fulfilled. Studies of women who are childless by choice show that most feel they have a good sense of identity and individuality. They do not feel defined by their role within the family and feel that they have more freedom and control over their body, their life and their future. Childless women also report greater economic stability, although it is not necessary to have a higher socioeconomic status to be satisfied with the decision not to have children.
Women and men who do not have children are also less stressed on average, and report greater satisfaction in their marriages.
There are few studies on single men and their experience of not having children, and even fewer on the childless experience of transgender or queer men. But a study of men who had chosen not to have children found that most were satisfied with their decision and glad to have more freedom in their lives. Only a few regretted their decision, especially since they would not have a legacy.
However, there is a risk that childless men will experience reduced overall life satisfaction in old age if they lack social support.
Things get a little more complicated when we look at the decision to have children. While there is no doubt that parents can feel happy and fulfilled in life, the satisfaction they feel with this decision often develops over time, and may also depend on many factors that they cannot control.
Many parents initially experience a temporary decline in well-being after having a child, a phenomenon known as the “parenting paradox.” This is because a new baby can get in the way of many basic needs, such as sleeping, eating well, and seeing friends. This can be a recipe for discontent.
Heterosexual women also report more unhappiness when they become mothers than men. This may be because the burden of care often falls disproportionately on women.
But having good family and social support, an equally active and involved co-parent, and living in an area with policies that support work and family can offset the stress and costs of parenthood.
This probably explains why Norwegian women do not report a loss of happiness when they have children, as Norway has many family-friendly policies that make it possible for both parents to raise children and have a career.
Although having children can be hard, that doesn’t mean that step can’t lead to happiness, joy, and a greater meaning in life. The experience of fatherhood and motherhood can even lead to a profound form of well-being called eudaimonic well-being. It is about the feeling of having lived a worthwhile life, which is different from short-term happiness.
Both men and women can experience positive eudaimonic well-being when they become parents. But in the case of women, the increase in eudaimonic well-being they experience also depends on how balanced the parenting tasks are with their partner.
Another of people’s big worries is whether they will regret not having had children. Fortunately, studies of childless older adults show that many of them have high life satisfaction and resilience in the face of poor mental health.
It seems that the main key to being happy with the decision to have or not have children depends on whether you have control over this matter. When we feel like we have chosen our path, we tend to accept our decisions and be happier with them.
But what if that option has been taken away from you and you wanted to have a child but couldn’t? Can you be happy then? Our research shows that the answer is a resounding yes. We investigated the impact of not having children on 161 women who wanted to have children but were unable to for various reasons, such as not finding a partner or infertility. The participants were between 25 and 75 years old.
It was found that, on average, the well-being of the participants did not differ from that of the general public. While 12% were languishing (that is, they felt their life had no clear direction), 24% were psychologically thriving, meaning they had the highest level of mental health. The rest experienced moderate levels of well-being.
Interestingly, for some, the struggle to have a child resulted in post-traumatic growth. This refers to the positive psychological changes that occur after a traumatic event. Women with the highest levels of well-being said that being able to focus on new possibilities in their lives, outside of being mothers, helped them improve their well-being.
Studies of men who have been unable to have children due to infertility show that many experienced sadness as a result, although this sadness reduced as they aged. However, as with involuntarily childless women, finding ways to reframe their identity and role in society outside of parenthood helped many find meaning and satisfaction in their lives.
So, does fatherhood or motherhood make us happier? Does the lack of children make us unhappy? The answer to these questions is not as simple as it seems. The happiness or fulfillment we experience depends on many factors, many of which are beyond our control. While it is true that the way we choose to give meaning to our lives is a key factor, so is the social support we have to be parents and the political climate that surrounds us.
This article was originally published on The Conversation.
