Psychologist Lindsay Gibson published Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents in 2015, a book that has already sold more than a million copies. And it seems that, seven years later, it is still a reference in everything that refers to this situation in which parents do not have the necessary maturity to satisfy all the emotional needs of their children.
According to him, all unhappy families have a common link: the emotionally immature father or mother, who hides or ignores their feelings or who, on the contrary, displays them disproportionately as a small child would do.
“We must keep in mind that years ago there was a very different education from the current one, more coercive and disciplined. Now we have gone to the opposite extreme of respectful parenting, where the dignity of the child takes precedence,” explains psychologist Olga Piazuelo, president of the Educational Psychology section of the Official College of Psychology of Catalonia (COPC).
“These first years of life are very important to develop personality. We must establish limits and rules, but above all we must make children talk and listen to them,” continues the specialist.
Piazuelo reveals the emotional deficiencies in a large part of today’s families. “A look is missing. We have to get used to looking at each other again, hugging each other, kissing each other… All this has been neglected,” he says. “A young child is totally dependent on others, especially the people who care for him, including the school,” she maintains.
“Ideal parents do not exist,” says the specialist. “We must get rid of the concern about whether we are good parents or bad parents, especially if we have teenage children, who do nothing but destroy the parental figure to rebuild it again,” he says.
According to Gibson’s book, there are four types of emotionally immature parents.
“Here a person must ask themselves ‘Why do I have children? Why is it important? Why is this what my family does? Or because I want to have children? Does it come to fulfill me or do I take a person into the world to Let her grow freely and be able to accompany her? Or maybe I see a mini me and project my frustrations and things that I haven’t been able to do in the child?’ Each one has a life of their own,” explains Piazuelo.
A parent must accompany their children, without being too on top or overprotecting them. You should not be a helicopter parent, who comes to the rescue at the slightest sign of difficulty.
There are adults who go to psychological therapy and report that they have had immature parents, those who “are friends with their children.” “They are parents who do not feel the emotional needs of others, they fill themselves. And then, the children, when they reach adolescence and adulthood, are affected in emotional processing, in intimate relationships… They are highly insecure because their parents have not given them the security that they needed as children,” explains the psychologist.
“There are those who remember that their parents were not there when they needed them, that they were always working and were not there for them. These people, when older, are often anxious or excessively complacent,” he says.
One of the big keys is that emotionally immature parents do not listen to their children’s needs. “They don’t listen, they don’t accompany them properly, they don’t talk or reason with their child and they resort to ‘because I said so’,” says Olga Piazuelo. “It’s much better to have a little quality time with your child than to have too much quality time with your child,” she says.
Many adult children of immature parents recognize that they have moments of anxiety, as a result of the pressure and instability they have received as children.
According to the expert, emotionally immature parents can be helped to review how they see and how they have heard what their upbringing period has been like, both that of their parents with them and that which they have applied to their children. “If they ask you what to do, it’s already a lot, because that indicates that they are aware of the situation,” adds Piazuelo. “In some cases it is because they work too hard to support the family; but in other cases they claim that they also have life,” continues the specialist.
In many cases you detect that positive self-criticism in the family environment can be very beneficial, once they have seen that perhaps they have not even had the ability to adapt to their child’s emotional needs.
“There are adult patients with immature parents who report that they were always dependent on their parents’ approval and affection; they were very dependent,” he comments. “And this way you are not making them autonomous, you are not helping them,” she says.
“Others remember that their parents were not there for him, they were always working, talking to others, they were not interested in school grades and, when they did, it was to say that they could still do better,” he says. As he explains, you have to value any small action that your child does and create bonds with him, so that he does not feel neglected, or when he grows up he will have very low self-esteem.
An adult patient who comes to therapy due to insecurities, complexes, traumas or fears could perfectly well be the child of emotionally immature parents. Finding this key will be of great help to work on the present and free the patient from many burdens of guilt, and this will be the merit of a good professional who asks the right questions to get to the bottom of the matter.
This article was originally published on RAC1.