Feeling valued is a fundamental human need that influences emotional well-being and self-esteem. The latter is built from the assessment we make of ourselves and is nourished, among other aspects, by the assessment that comes from others.

The search for appreciation is a constant in our lives, from childhood to adulthood. As children we look for it in significant figures such as fathers, mothers, teachers, classmates and peers. As we grow, the need for appreciation extends to our partners, friends, family, work environments, and other areas of our lives.

Seeking appreciation from others and in others is not something negative or something to be avoided, but rather it is natural and understandable. It allows us to feel recognized and appreciated for who we are and what we contribute. External evaluation reinforces our confidence and motivates us to move forward in our efforts and goals while strengthening the positive perception we have of ourselves.

However, the problem arises when the internal assessment depends exclusively on the external assessment. That is, the value we give ourselves is based on the value that others give us. Due to this dependency, our perception of personal worth becomes subject to external approval and recognition, making us more susceptible to criticism and rejection. This fuels insecurity and the need to compare oneself and to please others.

The balm to alleviate this dependence is to cultivate self-worth, that is, learning to value ourselves, both for our merits and for the inherent value that lies in being who we are, just as we are. Our very existence gives us the most essential value. To begin this learning process, we can begin by reflecting on “What value do I give to myself?” This question invites us to recognize our value, as well as appreciate our qualities, strengths and virtues.

We long for the appreciation of others, but we do not realize that the one we need most is our own, and it is precisely the one we receive the least.

Let’s do the exercise of being aware and giving value to what we contribute to others and their lives. Perhaps our ability to listen, be loving, fun, or provide serenity, security, or stability. At the same time, let us recognize what we bring to ourselves and our lives; perhaps motivation, understanding, attention, care or perseverance. Let us be our main providers of valuation so as not to depend solely on obtaining it from others.

This learning process allows us to develop a closer and more compassionate relationship with ourselves. According to Gonzalo Brito, clinical psychologist and instructor of programs based on Mindfulness and Compassion, “Oneself is the first other with whom we need to begin to develop a caring relationship.” This statement highlights the importance of prioritizing self-care and developing a relationship of esteem with ourselves. Emotional well-being is fueled by the attention we give ourselves, through which we learn to value ourselves and nourish ourselves emotionally.

Self-valuation does not diminish the importance of external evaluation, but it prevents us from seeking it incessantly or at any price. Instead, we learn to recognize our worth and worth, thus achieving a healthy balance between self-worth and external worth.