We have spent months of infidelity on the news front line with different results. Piqué and Shakira have broken up and the singer has taken cold revenge in the form of a song. On the other hand, Iñigo Onieva’s slip, after a brief pause, has been forgiven by Tamara Falcó. Why is one able to forget about the behavior of her partner and another decides to break the deck? Meanwhile, television programs such as ‘The island of temptations’ remind us that practically no one is free from being able to fall into infidelity. The question is: can a relationship survive after cheating? Or do we already live in a more tolerant world?
Second chances are a controversial issue because every couple is different and not all infidelity ends in a breakup. There is no instruction manual. Are the Spanish more likely to forgive a betrayal? There are no very solid statistics either, but according to data from Gleeden, the extramarital dating platform, 56% of unfaithful people in Spain (84% men and 16% women) believe that their partners would not forgive them if they discovered their infidelities. In addition, 16% of these self-proclaimed infidels, mostly men, state that they would not excuse their partner if they were the object of infidelity. Half acknowledge that they could understand it, but it would not sit well with them.
But when it comes to affaires, the discrepancies begin with their mere definition. There are those who consider a kiss as an unforgivable betrayal. Others already suffer from the fact that the other fantasizes about someone and many only see the fact that their partner has had sexual relations as deceit. “There are no written rules about it,” says psychotherapist and member of the Board of the College of Psychology of Catalonia (COPC) Dimitra Doumpioti. “There are degrees of infidelity, but these are not defined objectively, but subjectively. In other words, it can vary a lot depending on the person”, concludes the expert author of ‘Historia de lo nuestro’ (Gedisa), a book in which she introduces a new vision of the couple, sexuality and the relationship with children, relatives or lovers .
Some people have their own theory, like the famous physicist Albert Einstein, who saw his slip-ups as casual flings that didn’t interfere with his feelings for his wife. The scientist believed that monogamy was a bitter fruit and maintained that people have a natural desire for love affairs and that it does nothing good to suppress those impulses. “I’m sure you know that most men (and a large number of women) are not gifted for monogamy by nature,” Einstein wrote to a friend of hers who complained about the extramarital affairs of her husband. she.
Silvia Congost, a psychologist who is an expert in self-esteem, emotional dependency, and relationship conflicts, prefers to talk about types of infidelity: what happens only once with someone you don’t even know, what happens with someone you do know but immediately regret (there may be something solely sexual or there may be mixed feelings), a relationship that is repeated several times or a parallel relationship to the one you have with your partner. “Obviously, depending on how the person is ‘deceived’, on her values ??at the level of fidelity and on her upbringing, she will be able to forgive each one of them or not,” says Congost.
Relationships, including open and polyamorous ones, are built around a pact and trust commitments that, even if they are different and personalized, can be broken and lead to the feeling of cheating or infidelity.
An associated problem is that of possible recidivism. A study from Harvard and Northwestern universities revealed that unfaithful people often stumble over the same stone because they activate a mechanism of “ethical amnesia”, an instinctive way of maintaining a clear moral conscience despite the “betrayal” of the partner .
Do we pardon in the name of love? “If you’re still in love with the other person and you know the reasons for the infidelity, you’re going to try to save that relationship,” explains Gleeden’s sexologist Mariona Gabarra. “Many times it is understood that perhaps we have left our partner aside and they have had the need to look outside for what was not at home, and we are not talking about something only sexual, but about recovering sensations such as feeling attractive and others,” he adds. the expert.
But love is not always enough, because as Silvia Congost argues, infidelity is an experience for which we are not prepared and we do not know how we are going to live it until we have to go through it. “There are those who have shouted from the four winds that they would never forgive him and one day they come across it and end up pardoning it and learn to redirect it. Others may understand it but it is impossible for them to continue with the relationship. Or there are even cases in which you would do everything possible to be able to continue and overcome it but something stronger than you prevents it and you are not capable ”, describes the psychologist. Of course, Congost suggests that in the face of this bitter pill, the ideal is to be honest with yourself and not deceive yourself.
“It is also true that the greater the emotional, affective investment, time together, whether there are children, social ties, common projects, mortgages… couples tend to look for ways to give themselves a second chance,” says the COPC psychotherapist. . “Although it should be remembered that forgiveness requires work and is a process. It is not very sensible to do nothing and let it go just out of fear, because that detracts from the relationship, from oneself and increases the possibility that this will happen again”, warns Doumpioti.
Waiving an affair or not can become a litmus test for the couple. To overcome it, according to Dimitra Doumpioti, it is necessary to be clear that forgiving an infidelity does not depend on a single person, but also on the other. “It’s critical that you both want to make amends and commit to restoring a sense of respect and consideration,” she says.
According to Doumpioti, for the person who has been unfaithful, it is not enough to say sorry, but rather you have to show dedication and have details because if the other person is left unattended, it will be much more difficult to turn the page and close the wound. Likewise, whoever has suffered that betrayal and decides to forgive has to make sure that the way in which he handles this experience does not compromise his integrity, worth and importance as a person.
For Congost, the possibilities of leaving that relationship outside of the couple in the past are highly variable. “You may make an effort to understand it and think that it will not happen again, that the important thing is to save that good relationship you had, but sometimes the wound heals and sometimes it doesn’t, the idea of ??what happened may come back to you over and over again. your mind and you are not able to turn the page ”, details Congost. But if after an infidelity it has been decided to give a second chance, we must understand that the previous relationship has ended, that it will never be the same again and we must ask ourselves if we are willing to start a new relationship with the same person, he points out.
Although experts recognize that we don’t always know how to act when infidelity knocks on our door, what should we consider if we are determined to forgive an affair?
The basic thing is to establish new rules and limits, according to the Gleeden sexologist. It is also not convenient to fall into the typical reproaches, judgments or attacks, assesses Silvia Congost. “And above all we cannot compare with what was before. If you decide to forgive and try again, you should forget all of the above and not compare. And if you don’t like it, it’s because it’s not for you and you’ll have to rethink whether you can continue or the wound that this experience has created is too deep”, insists the psychologist.
The person who has been unfaithful has to “win back their partner, work on the relationship, make the other feel that they are number one,” Doumpioti values. “And whoever has suffered infidelity should not make the mistake of convincing the other that he or she is worth it. You have to remember that the important thing in a relationship is that each person feels celebrated, considered, loved and valuable, ”she adds.
But the range of views on the matter is broader. There are experts who propose to take a more revolutionary look at the matter. Esther Perel, the iconic couples therapist, proposes, in her book ‘The couple’s dilemma’, to stop understanding infidelity as something that only destroys marriages and relationships and to assume that it is an inherent trait of our human condition that can become a door to build a new relationship with the same person.
Returning to the relationship also implies regaining confidence in sex and to achieve this, the sexologist Mariona Gabarra assures that the key point is to maintain a lot of communication. “You have to put the cards on the table to find out why our partner has been unfaithful or has had sex with another person. Basically you have to start your sexual life from scratch, because if not in your head you will embrace a thousand possibilities that will not let you flow in your sexuality with your partner ”, she points out.
Gabarra also recognizes that this type of communication is rarely achieved, so it is better to go to couples therapy to work and create that new sexual communication and also understand that if there is a change in the relationship, you do not have to go back to it. give this bad drink Because in the end it is easier to forgive than to overcome an infidelity and to try it you have to face the possible consequences that this episode of disappointment or disenchantment has left.
