“My life has changed a lot. Before, it was just taking care of my children, and as they grew up, I imagined that my husband and I would have some freedom to do everything we had put off. And that hasn’t been the case.” These are the words of Carmen Muñoz, 59 years old, administrative officer.
Carmen lives with her husband and children, ages 29 and 21, while they study, and also takes care of her parents, Miguel (86 years old) and Encarna (80). He calls them every day religiously at 11, visits them every other day at the house that is two blocks from his in Barcelona, ??and on weekends he takes them to the movies, to eat, for a walk… “I never disconnect: morning, afternoon and night”. She takes care of the medicines, the meals, the house, the doctor’s visits, while she protects her children so that this double responsibility does not affect them. She no longer goes out with her friends, “everyone makes plans and dates, and I realize that I can’t do anything they talk about.” She recognizes that her relationship has also been affected: “my husband takes care of the logistics, but he has put himself on the other side of the barrier.”
Carmen is part of the so-called sandwich generation. The terminology is not scientific, but it is clear enough: as if it were ham between two slices of bread, it is the age group that takes care of parents and children, at the same time.
In general, reaching the age of 55 can mean reaching a vital point in which it is possible to continue enjoying good health, the children are leaving home, the mortgage has been paid (or is about to be paid) and the the well-deserved retirement. But this is an imaginary, almost utopian scenario, because what really happens to many people of these ages is that they continue to take care of their children (who have not been able to become independent) and they also begin to take care of their parents. The result is an immersion in a sea of ??responsibilities, worries, stress and exhaustion.
And although the care is shared, the burden does not diminish. “We are four brothers, but, in reality, we are the three daughters who take care of everything. We are overwhelmed, because now we take care of my mother, but also an aunt who is very close and older. My father died about five years ago and at that time we were also in charge of him and another aunt. We have been caring for 10 years, which is very exhausting,” María (not her real name) tells us, 59 years old, a social worker, who lives with her husband. and her 23-year-old daughter. “Between the work and personal issues, the feeling is a little stressful and depressing. Sometimes I have a feeling of guilt because, on the one hand, you want to serve everyone well and, on the other, you see yourself in this very difficult situation, in which you connect with the fact that your life is restricted, that your routine weighs you down and you can’t do anything else,” he adds.
And we’ve only talked about the part where she takes care of her elders. María also fulfills the role of her mother, although she recognizes that, in this sense, she has lightened that part of the scale a little. “I don’t feel so much pressure from that side, because it’s not the same as having a baby in my care, but I can’t stop worrying about my daughter, who is studying nursing and doesn’t make any sign of wanting to become independent—and I like it that way.” . However, the economic burden is still real. “We are lucky to have savings to draw on,” she notes.
It is not clear who first coined the term sandwich generation. Some sources speak of the American psychologist Quaeshi Walker and others cite the social worker Dorothy Miller. Regardless of the author of the expression, being a caregiver for two generations is a frequent reason for professional consultation. This is confirmed by Unai Aso, psychologist at the Buencoco therapy platform, who adds that “the main concerns of this generation include time management, financial and emotional stress, and the balance between work and family demands.”
In the sandwich generation, two groups are observed: one, of adults between 40 and 59 years old, whose parents or in-laws live with them or whom they must take care of, while raising their minor children. Another, those who still support their adult children while they attend university or look for a job, and at the same time take care of their parents.
María denounces that taking care of the elderly is little contemplated in life, “we live with our backs to the elderly,” she affirms. “We will all get older, and although we are already integrating that this is going to happen, that we do not want to ask our children to take care of us, that we are going to go to a residence, the economic issue is brutal, and it is not enough to have a decent life when you reach a certain age.”
In Carmen’s case, although her parents are self-employed, Miguel is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and Encarna has undergone heart surgery and suffers from the persistent imprint that Covid has left on her memory. “I think they already need someone to help them around the house, but they still resist,” she says. She has one more concern: her sister has a disability and lives in a sheltered home. He picks her up every Friday every 15 days, to take her to see her parents. Carmen has no doubt that, despite everything, she is where she needs to be. “They have helped me so much that I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t reciprocate. I also think that this way I set a good example for my children.”
María, for her part, rescues a positive part. “On the one hand, my daughter continues to live with us at home and we can enjoy her. On the other hand, caring allows you to continue maintaining a relationship with your elders, think about old age, about what death means within life. Although it is very, very tiring, it is an opportunity. I can combine all this with my sisters, who in addition to being family, are friends. If it were me alone, I certainly wouldn’t be able to, because one can’t afford to stop working.”
“The sandwich generation is not a new phenomenon, but it has gained visibility in recent decades due to demographic and social changes,” explains the psychologist. One of the key factors is the increase in life expectancy. “With more people living to old age, the need for their adult children to take over their care increases. This demographic shift has had a major impact on family dynamics, increasing caregiving responsibilities for many middle-aged people. “.
Another relevant cause is trends in family planning, such as having children at an older age; motherhood is delayed. According to the National Institute of Statistics, in Spain, in 2022, the average age at which couples have their first child is around 32 years old, while in 1976, they did so at 25. “There are studies, such as that of Mathews and Hamilton, published in 2009, in which it is observed how delay in motherhood and fatherhood alters traditional family structures and prolongs the period during which people must simultaneously care for their children and their parents,” says Aso.
Furthermore, the difficulties that young people have when becoming independent, both due to unemployment and precarious salaries and the high price of housing rent, contribute to children leaving home later. Data from the Emancipation Observatory of the Spanish Youth Council show that, although the emancipation rate has risen slightly in the last year, the average age of leaving the family home is 30 years. This is the highest figure recorded in the last 20 years and is very different from the 20 that occurred previously or the 19 years of young Swedes.
New lifestyles not only mean that we have fewer children, but also that the idea of ??tribe or clan is relegated to the past. Before, there were many people to take care of the responsibilities of the elderly, while now, most of it falls on just one adult couple. According to the study by Dorothy Miller, discussed in the article The Sandwich
Generation: adult children of the aging, caregivers are usually female, middle-aged, employed, and often care for at least one minor child.
Aso adds that although this profile is generalized, society has been changing and the concept has expanded. “In recent years, there has been a gradual shift towards greater participation by men in caring roles, especially as there is increasing recognition of the importance of paternal involvement in raising children and a change in social attitudes about gender roles,” says Aso. “Even so,” she continues, “the transition toward a more equitable distribution of family care is very slow and women still carry most of the burden of care, both in physical and emotional terms.”
Joan (not her real name) breaks the statistic. He is a doctor and is 60 years old. “I have to combine work with taking care of my house, my 24-year-old daughter, who lives with me, and keeping an eye on my parents. You end up getting used to this rhythm, but when something extra arises, that’s when you have to readjust everything. In recent weeks, for example, we have admitted my mother and my daughter has had a health problem, so it has been a chaotic few days.”
The sandwich generation deals with emotions of all kinds. The expert explains that, on the one hand, caring for children can be a source of satisfaction and joy, but there is also the B side. “It can also be a source of stress and worry, especially for those who are in charge of care.” of their own parents.” Joan adds to the equation that “when you think you’ve stopped taking care of your children, you have to start taking care of your parents. Mine don’t want outside help, although this will have to come sooner or later.”
On the other hand, it is not easy to see parents as if they were children again. “It is going from having an emotional relationship with your mother, father or spouse, and changing roles,” says Carmen, while the psychologist maintains that “caring for elderly parents is an emotionally complex experience. It can provide a sense of gratification and strengthen family ties (allows you to return the care received), but this responsibility can also lead to difficulties and emotional problems.”
It also refers to role reversal and the fact that “facing parental vulnerability can lead to sadness, feelings of loss, and the anticipation of grief. In addition, managing chronic illnesses and parental cognitive problems can also lead to frustration, guilt and exhaustion in caregivers.
“Until about two years ago, my parents were relatively autonomous, but as they get older, they need more help,” Joan admits. Added to the age is that the mother has Parkinson’s disease, with a disability of 75%.
The change of roles also falls on those adolescent or young children, who have to lend a hand to their grandparents and give up the focus of attention that only they monopolized. “Sometimes, I have had to leave my daughter alone or in someone’s care to assist my parents when something has happened to them. Maybe she has felt isolated,” says Joan. It’s hard to have to choose. Caregivers may find themselves caught in the middle of the two generations, dealing with often opposing demands (children with their needs and the elderly with theirs). “I’m changing my chip: you go from parents who are used to bossing around to children who want to make their own lives,” says Joan.
These dynamics can lead to feelings of exhaustion, guilt, and worry about not being able to adequately meet the needs of either generation. “The tension of balancing these responsibilities can affect the psychological well-being of caregivers, as well as their ability to care for their own needs,” says the psychologist.
Additionally, taking on new responsibilities can be a source of stress. In works such as that of Greenberger and Litwin, from 2003, “it has been observed that caregivers of this generation report higher levels of stress and lower well-being,” explains Unai Aso. Additionally, chronic stress and burnout can deteriorate a caregiver’s personal relationships with friends, family, and caregivers.
Research has shown that chronic stress associated with long-term caregiving can increase the risk of depression, anxiety, and even burnout. “In addition, the lack of time for relaxing, social or leisure activities can also contribute to these psychological problems,” comments Aso, who cites a study from the United Kingdom, in which it was observed that more than 33% of caregivers of The sandwich generation, who provide at least 20 hours of care per week, report symptoms of mental health problems, compared to 23% of those who provide less than five hours per week.
Carmen told us that after the pandemic, she fell into a deep depression. “Now I’m fine, I’m medicated and I’m going to therapy, which has given me tools to deal with everything in a better way. The problem is still there, but it doesn’t bother me so much anymore.” One of her escape routes is her job, where she can disconnect from her family burdens. “Sometimes I think I’m getting addicted to it because I shiver when the weekend comes.”
Joan is clear about this and knows that her mental health depends on her ability to disconnect, for which she has a certain facility. It will be because she is a pediatrician and she also prescribes mothers and fathers to promote self-care measures. For this reason, years ago she decided to dedicate a few hours a week to do things that she likes. “Anything that makes me disconnect: looking at the garden, walking or reading a little, I have enough, although I can’t plan vacations or trips, for example.”
Aso recommends scheduling time for yourself (weekly walks or occasional meals with friends), prioritizing tasks, creating a balanced schedule, and setting clear, realistic limits on what you can handle, both in terms of caregiving and other responsibilities. For its part, the American Psychological Association (APA) recommends controlling stress by maintaining healthy sleeping and eating habits, in addition to finding time for daily exercise.
She also advises maintaining an active social support network, which may include friends, family, support groups, or professional counseling. “This bra not only offers an emotional outlet, but also practical advice and a sense of community. Accepting help when needed, whether through a professional or other family members, can ease the burden of caregiving considerably,” she concludes.
