The scene will be familiar to you. It’s time to prepare dinner at home. The preteen daughter (12 years old) is doing homework in her room. Or she so she says she. Through the closed door their laughter escapes between the urban background music that Alexa is serving: Bad Bunny, Quevedo (his), Rosalía or C. Tangana in the best of cases… “Work” in multitasking with the Chromebook from school, the gmail chat and, of course, in video call mode with the closest classmates through their mobile WhatsApp group. 100% of the class have their own smartphone in 1st ESO. At the same time, the youngest (8 years old) watches the same episode of Henry Danger for the umpteenth time through the Smart TV in the living room, connected by Bluetooth to wireless headphones of a clearly disproportionate size for his small head. In this particular home there are no consoles and therefore he has escaped the Fortnite fever, but in many others the father is more inclined to instruct his heir in the art of ‘shooting’ rather than to review the subtractions while carrying.
Meanwhile, the adults share the housework: she cooks, he takes the clothes out of the dryer. Or vice versa. They both have their cell phones on the counter. “What’s for dinner?” The message to the family group is from her daughter, locked in her bunker less than ten meters from them. “Leave the room and set the table,” replies the parent in the chat. This is the fourth time that one or the other repeats the order. The three previous messages -orally, each one at a higher volume than the previous one- have not reached their destination, the recipients adduced. Too much noise, excessive isolation and many technological barriers in between. Failed communication.
More than half of Spanish parents (52%) admit that screens reduce their time spent with the family; 16% admit that they create daily problems at home and a third (34%), that they create conflicts more than once a week, according to the latest annual report from the parental control platform Qustodio. “Screens are significantly interfering in communication, and therefore in the relationship between parents and children,” explains clinical psychologist Gabriela Paoli, author of the book ‘Digital Health: keys to a healthy use of technology’.
This occurs especially in the pre-adolescent age – between 11 and 14 years old – the one with the most intensive use of the mobile, according to the same report. “When they answer you, they do it with monosyllables, either because they are distracted by the device or because of the rebound effect: they are angry because we have taken it out of their hands,” says Ferran Lalueza, professor of Communication at the UOC and an expert in networks. social. It is what is known as phubbing: ignoring those around us during a conversation to pay attention to the mobile. More than half of young people (55%) admit that they practice phubbing on a regular basis, according to a study by the University of Zaragoza.
But the responsibility is not yours, but ours. Adults often act just like them (and that’s why they act like us). In the following sequence, the same parents who have called their children’s attention before dinner will move their respective smartphones to the dining room table. If they receive a call, or even a notification, they will probably answer it claiming that it is important or “for work” (spoiler: it is a lie). They may even pick up their cell phone as soon as they empty their plate and start playing the last ‘neotetris’ they have gotten addicted to before the rest of the family has even finished eating. “I’ve been working all day, I have the right to de-stress (sic)”.
That is if dinner does not coincide with a television broadcast of football, basketball, snooker or ski jumping, in which case the father’s attention and gaze will fluctuate all the time between his interlocutors (ha!) and the television. “The moments that we share with our children at home should be sacred, free from screens”, considers Marta Gracia, educational psychologist and professor at the UB. Every breakfast, lunch and dinner is an opportunity to share family time. And you have to take advantage of each one of them, because they are not unlimited.
“The age at which children are connected to the Internet is 0 years old,” warns Eduardo Cruz, general director of Qustodio. “The mobile attracts their attention since they are babies: it is their digital pacifier.” At these early ages they develop a “dependent use” of the devices, comments this online security expert: they take their parents’ or older siblings’ ones to watch videos of Paw Patrol or Peppa Pig. From the age of 11 it is much more complex, because they have a personal technological instrument without having received any education on its responsible use.
Gabriela Paoli, who has been doing online sessions on digital health for 12 years, summarizes the difficulties that parents face in relation to communication with their children. “Addiction to screens is interfering with most daily activities: it is very difficult for them to fulfill their responsibilities, such as studying or doing homework; some drop out of extracurricular activities because they get overwhelmed or claim that the coach has a thing for them, when in reality what happens is that they prefer to be connected at home; there is a very significant decrease in the quantity and quality of sleep, something that is essential for young people because it affects their cognitive activity (it causes them nervousness and anxiety); and ultimately, they stop doing activities appropriate for their age, such as spending time outdoors with family and friends.” Time without a device in hand, she understands.
Many of these episodes are the result of nomophobia, the irrational fear of being without a mobile phone. This disorder affects 81% of Spaniards between the ages of 18 and 35, which makes Spain the second European country most affected by this phenomenon, only behind Italy, as indicated by a report by the mobile phone company OnePlus.
The results of the lack of physical activity are widely known: “A sedentary lifestyle is a risk factor associated with obesity, diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol or headaches,” says Paoli. But the fact that digital communication is displacing face-to-face contact has other less tangible but equally serious effects: “There is less emotional connection within the family. Some children do not want to go visit their grandparents or uncles because they get bored, and when they are forced to go they sit on the sofa with their device and ignore the adults”.
Some of the experts consulted consider that part of the problem lies in the fact that we are still not aware of the extent of the disturbance in family life that the technological invasion has caused: “Sometimes we do not identify the abuse of screens as a really conflictive habit because it is something intangible, difficult to measure. If we catch our daughter compulsively eating a whole jar of ice cream, it’s easy to set limits: she explains to her that she has to dose that consumption and we put a few scoops in a bowl. But how do we manage the time they invest (and we invest) on the Internet? How do we make them understand everything they are missing by being connected? It is difficult, because they function by social mimicry: ‘if everyone does it, why not me?’ The Internet is the great black hole through which our time and our health escape”, reflects the clinical psychologist.
Also a psychologist, Marta Gracia, an expert in digital education; Qustodio CEO, Eduardo Cruz; and the UOC researcher Ferran Lalueza, who is currently participating in a project funded by the Ministry of Science and Innovation on how social networks can be useful for improving the mental and emotional health of the adolescent population, share a few keys to alleviate this discomfort and try to recover the means of communication with our children.
Eduardo Cruz, CEO of Qustodio, observes that “we live in a continuous technological bubble, we are hyperconnected and sometimes it is difficult to get out of it to spend exclusive time with family and friends. If children observe this behavior in their parents, it is normal for them to normalize it and integrate it into their day to day. You have to be aware of this and not turn your back on a problem that is present in more and more families”.
The good news is that reversing this situation is in our hands. We may not be able to get them to inherit our love for Tintin comics – after all, those were tastes from an offline childhood – but the screens are not unbeatable. Of course, to be a techno-healthy family we have to do a lot on our part. “As parents we have some basic objectives: that our children grow up healthy, that they be good people and that they learn to live together in harmony. Nowadays, to achieve these essential goals, it is necessary to incorporate education in the use of technology”, reflects Cruz.
As in all facets of education, there are non-negotiable limits: don’t come home later than a certain hour; not come into contact with toxic substances, not interact with strangers… and also not be hooked on the mobile half of the day. But the first and most important key is to lead by example: “Look up from the screen and listen to your children. That always works”, concludes Gabriela Paoli.
