“Women have assumed that they do not depend on another person to be mothers. Once they have economic and work independence and a more or less stable life, there are many who approach motherhood without waiting to have a partner.” In this way, the director of IVI Barcelona, ??Agustín Ballesteros, summarizes the social and mental change regarding single motherhood that they observe in Spanish assisted reproduction clinics and to which the two young women in their twenties who recount their experience in this report testify: Glòria Mitjans, who will have her first child alone in a couple of months, and Laia Ramón, who at 29 years old is a “single” mother of two children.
Mitjans and Ramón illustrate well another reality surrounding this phenomenon: it is not only that the number of single women who decide to be mothers does not stop growing – in the case of IVI, 42% in the last five years – but that each perhaps they make the decision at an earlier age. “On average, these patients are a couple of years younger than those who come with a partner,” states Ballesteros.
And the experience is similar in other clinics consulted. In Dexeus Mujer, they explain that more than 70% of artificial inseminations with donor sperm carried out last year were performed on single women (while in the period 2010-2015 they represented 50%), and the average age of these patients, who in 2015 was 38 years old, is around 35.
“There is a clear decrease in the age at which single women consult to become mothers; I think that society is becoming aware that age is important for having children and we see it in the age of single women who come to inseminate themselves – increasingly younger – but also in the age of those who come to freeze eggs because they believe that “This is not the time to look for pregnancy but they think they will want to look for it later,” explains Dr. Buenaventura Coroleu, consultant for the Dexeus Mujer Assisted Reproduction service.
The fact that women who decide to become single mothers are increasingly younger is surprising because in Spain the age at which the first child is born does not stop growing (the average is 33 years old but the births of mothers are 40 years old). or more years have grown by 27.9% in the last decade and already represent 11% of the total), which seems to indicate that it is pairing that is delaying the time to have children.
“Yes, people often wait until they have a partner to consider having children and then, when they have one, they do not seek pregnancy immediately because the couple wants time to enjoy themselves and they postpone motherhood; In our clinics, the average age of couples seeking treatment is around 40 years old,” comments the director of IVI Barcelona.
Coroleu, who has been working in assisted reproduction for more than four decades, points out that beyond being younger, she also observes other sociodemographic changes in women who choose to be single mothers who confirm that this reality has long ceased to be taboo or a transgressive family model to normalize.
“Ten years ago, many of the patients without a partner came with their parents; it was clear that an important family bond was needed to give them security in the decision to be single mothers; Not now, now the family is secondary, they explain to you that the will and responsibility of being mothers is theirs alone: ??that since they want and can have a child, they start that adventure on their own,” comments the Dexeus specialist.
“They are women who are clear, very clear; who have work and economic independence, who usually have a family network that supports them in the project and for whom what people will say or the social pressure of being mothers without a partner matters little to them,” agrees Dr. Ballesteros, from IVI Barcelona.
This social pressure, agree both the doctors and women who have decided to be single mothers interviewed for this report, has decreased a lot because today many family models coexist in Spanish society, more children are now born to single mothers than to married ones, and Single-parent families are a very visible reality.
According to the latest data from the INE, in Spain there are almost two million single-parent households made up of separated or divorced people with children, widows or single women (especially women). The latter, single-parent households made up of a single person with children, have grown by more than 31% since 2013. And the phenomenon seems to be getting worse because some opinion polls, such as the one carried out to find out the fertility habits of women by Ginefiv clinics indicate that practically six out of ten women who want to be mothers are willing to have a child alone.
However, the fact that more and more women feel independent and strong enough to form a family without a partner does not mean that they do not encounter barriers and have to overcome some fears. The most recurrent, as explained by those who care for them in assisted reproduction clinics and those affected, is how they will explain to their children the lack of a father figure or the procedure chosen to bring them into the world.
“These explanations should always be given in a natural way and with examples and close day-to-day realities that help them see that these families are just as valid as any other, regardless of the members that make them up, and that will increasingly mean less of a problem because these children are going to see a wide range of family models at school, they are going to live in an environment where that is going to be very normal,” says Ballesteros.
Last Monday, Laia Ramón became a single mother for the second time, thus fulfilling her project of starting a family before turning 30. At 29, she can boast of having the traditional “little couple.” “I wanted to be a young mother and at 27 years old, seeing that I was approaching thirty and that I had been alone for a long time, I decided not to give any more opportunities to any boy and opted to be a mother alone,” she explained to La Vanguardia three days before this second Birth.
She chose to resort to in vitro fertilization of her eggs with donor sperm to have a greater chance of pregnancy, because some time before she had already tried artificial insemination “which did not end up working.” In 2022, nine months after that treatment at Dexeus Mujer, her first daughter was born.
And since he says that he really likes children and focuses above all on the easy part, he didn’t take long to repeat the experience. Less than two years later, as a result of another in vitro fertilization, her second child was born. “My closest friends say that I am very brave for carrying out these pregnancies when I am so young and alone; But the truth is that I am of the opinion that if you think about it, it is never a good time to have a child, something always fails on a professional or personal level: either you don’t have a permanent contract, or you don’t have your own home, or you don’t have a partner. .. There is always something that doesn’t fit if you are looking to choose the best moment, and even more so if you are alone!”, confesses Ramón.
Now, that does not mean that her decision to become a mother is not considered. “I have had partners when I was younger and it was not the time to have children; It is a personal responsibility and burden; It will depend on you in all aspects, including the economic one,” she points out. In her case, she emphasizes that she has undertaken motherhood without a partner but with the support of her parents and her siblings and knowing that the company in which she works with an indefinite contract will not put obstacles in her way because she is single mother. In fact, although she lives alone with the children, she has the help of her parents and her brother to take care of them.
And what are you finding most difficult about single motherhood? “The main concern is to always think about whether the children are okay, if they are going to sleep well, if I am going to be able to raise them well… because no one teaches you,” she responds. And she adds that he is also thinking about not knowing how he will explain to his children why they are a family that only has a mother. “For now I don’t worry much about it because the girl is small, but I know that although today there are a lot of different families, at some point I will have to explain it to her because society is not yet ready to naturalize her,” reasons Ramón.
He is less concerned about the comments about the burden that having two children can entail to enjoy future romantic relationships. “The comments don’t matter to me; “Everyone decides what they want, and having a partner or not doesn’t worry me, I’m young,” she reflects.
In any case, she does not believe that being a mother will make it difficult for her to couple in the future: “There are also people who have separated and have children and that does not prevent them from dating other people.”
In fact, although she has decided that as long as she remains alone she will not increase her family, she does not rule out that if she ends up forming a couple, she may be encouraged to have a third child together.
Glòria Mitjans is 27 years old and seven months pregnant. “Since she was 15 years old she knew that she wanted to be a young mother. I have had several partners but I didn’t understand myself well enough with any of them and one day I thought I wanted to be a mother and I couldn’t wait to do it as a couple because maybe someone came into my life but it wasn’t safe for them to understand me enough to have children; So I spoke to my aunt, who had my cousin through artificial insemination because she had fertility problems, I began to learn online about treatments for being a solo mother, and finally I ended up going to an IVI center to get in-depth advice and that same day I asked if they could inseminate me now.” This is how Mitjans summarizes her motivation and journey to face motherhood alone.
She emphasizes that, once she has passed the months of tests to study her ovulation and achieved successful fertilization with the second insemination, “I am having a very good pregnancy and experiencing the process just as if I had a partner.” He assures that, psychologically, “I feel more empowered, because I was clear about what I wanted, to be a mother, and I have done it.”
She admits that knowing that she has the support of her mother, her father, her siblings and her friends contributes to this determination and strength, “so my daughter will not have a father but she will have a complete family with her mother, grandparents.” , guys… and that calms me down; If my parents had not given me a resounding yes to my pregnancy project, I would not have been able to do it, because I was clear that I cannot do it alone, that I need the support of the environment to overcome the postpartum and parenting.
The resolution with which this twenty-year-old sees herself as a future mother also has to do with her economic stability. “Financially I will try not to have to count on anyone; Until now I lived with my best friend and in May I move to an apartment for me and the girl; I have been saving since I was 18 years old so that I do not have to depend financially on the family; I have a job with an indefinite contract with which, by tightening my belt a little, I will be able to support my daughter,” says Mitjans.
And you’re not worried about anything? “What worries me most is how I will explain the lack of a father to the girl; I have to work on that to tell her when she can understand it,” she responds.
Instead, she cares little, if not at all, about what other people think of her decision to become a single mother. “In my environment it is normalized and I have not had to give many explanations; At work, where I deal with older people, the first day they found out I was pregnant they asked me about my partner and I told them that there wasn’t one, that I was going to be a mother on my own, and they quickly normalized it, they told me ‘ah, well If that’s what you wanted, great,’” says Mitjans.
Nor did it discourage her when her father, when talking about the subject, told her that if she had a son she would never find a boyfriend. “I answered that I don’t care about him, but I don’t even think he’s right; Nowadays there are many separations of couples with children and people rebuild their lives; “My own brother is with a girl who has a son,” explains this young woman from Sant Sadurní d’Anoia. She assures that if in the future she finds someone who accepts that she has a daughter, fine. And if not, she will continue without a partner and will consider whether she can have a second child alone.
