They could be scenes from (tragi)comedy of manners if they were not real situations that occur every day in many homes: adolescents who wake up late in summer, spend too many hours on their screens, communicate little, go out at night for the first time, they do not return in the best state… summer is the time of greatest family coexistence and that implies conflict, also or above all, if people who are in the most “disturbing and explosive” moment of their lives enter the equation, that is, adolescents . Who describes it this way is Sonia López, the author of The privilege of living with a teenager (Destination), a book that was published in April and is already in its third edition and that proposes a change in attitude in adults who accompany young people .
López, a teacher by profession, with many years of experience working with highly socially excluded students, and also the mother of two adolescents aged 18 and 15, was fed up with turning on the radio and hearing talk about “the idiot age”, of going to the bookstore and find titles on the subject that had words like “help” and “strange” on the cover. In addition, practically since her children were born, she had been alerted by people around her of the “horror” that was coming at the moment they reached puberty. She then decided to write a book from the opposite perspective. “I am lucky to have many teenagers close to me and they make me better at all levels. They are very critical, and if I listen empathetically to what they say, I realize that they are often right. They make me change my mind and that is a privilege. I am infected with the desire to look at the world with enthusiasm, which we have often forgotten, ”she says.
He recently published on his networks (on Instagram, and Twitter, @sonpa70) a decalogue for spending the summer with teenagers, which includes points such as “understand that they need to sleep late”, “respect their vital rhythms” and “agree on responsibilities”. Here he expands on some of those keys.
Public spaces are often hostile to adolescents. It gives the impression that they bother in swimming pools, on the street, at festive events…
That’s because society has gotten used to being able to criticize adolescence in any way, without anything happening. If I published an article in a newspaper that spoke ill of an octogenarian for the mere fact of being one, they would jump on me. We have given free rein to being able to talk about them in a negative way. That unconstructive criticism positions us very much in his accompaniment. We look at them in a very negative way. If we change this look, if we can understand it, it becomes a wonderful stage.
Are there adolescents who have inappropriate, disrespectful behavior in public space? Of course, adults have them too.
We adults commit the stupidity of forgetting that not so long ago we were also teenagers. And the summer especially allows us to be with them at a much slower pace, if we organize correctly and schedule it, it becomes a wonderful space to be able to talk, do activities in a more leisurely way.
Traveling with teenagers can be tricky. In the book, he recounts a family trip to Switzerland that they planned without taking their children into account and that they did not fully enjoy because they did not want to get up early to climb a mountain.
What a teenager needs at home is to feel that they are taken into account. When he realizes that he is an important part of that family nucleus, he feels that he is in the center. It is important to choose the vacation spot taking into account the needs of your teenager, you cannot move him from his area without taking his needs into account.
What are you going to do in your family?
For us, it is a special summer. The eldest turned 18 and since we were little we promised him that we would go to New York and we are taking them very much into account. I like museums, but they don’t like art as much as I do art. I understand that I can’t drag you all through the eight days. Surely, one of the activities they would most like is to go shopping for clothes. Wherever you go, you can involve them in the planning.
In summer, it is very common to go out for the first time at night. That generates fear and some conflicts at home.
Before a teenager goes out, we have to make sure that they have received all the information about alcohol, drug use and sexuality. It is not: “tomorrow you are going out, come and I will give you all the information”. You have to do it since they are children, warn them, not scare them, inform them of everything they can find. What you have to do is agree with them. If he has never been out in his city, going to a town and arriving at six in the morning doesn’t make much sense. It is very good to be able to agree with the other parents that make up your children’s group of friends to set a similar schedule. In my house we have always agreed on the return time. And if the adolescent does not respect that return time, there must be a consequence associated with his lack of responsibility. If he has never gone out, you put him in a town festival, your son will not know how to manage that situation.
The alcohol consumption is there. Also tobacco, soft drugs and other substances. How do you deal with that?
You have to start those conversations from childhood. Many times we report out of fear, but what we have to do is warn them about what they are going to find on the street and what the consequences of that consumption are going to be. Example is also important. If I am a smoker, it will be easy for my adolescent to normalize tobacco use. Or if we have normalized drinking alcohol with every meal, it will be easier for that adolescent to find it normal. We live in a country that has normalized hanging out with your friends and drinking five beers even if you are an adult. If a child has always seen it, he ends up internalizing it. At home we do not drink or smoke, we are athletes. Sometimes we go out with friends who do. My son said: you should drink a beer, it’s a social thing. I don’t do it because it does nothing for me.
We have talked about what can happen if you consume. I understand, and when the eldest began to go out we explained to him what could be found and above all we explained to him that if he had any problem, if he had drunk two long drinks and felt unwell, he had to call us and we would go look for him. We wouldn’t congratulate him, but in the end he should ask for help from us.
There are fathers and mothers offering their children the first drinks. They think that, since they are going to do it anyway, better accompanied and in a safe environment.
It seems stupid to me. I won’t let him take the car and go 200 km/h, it’s the same. The only thing I can give you is the correct information without taboos. Is a father who drinks a beer at home bad? No, I’m not judging, it’s much easier than if you have healthy habits at home, the example drags in the end. It will be easier for them to consume less, practice sports, have correct rest habits. A teenager does not listen to you but he watches you. He works for everything.
What about the first sexual relations? Recent news about assaults perpetrated by minors suggest that, despite sexual education, the issue of consent is not clear. It is difficult to focus a message on enjoyment if your safety is still a concern…
Of course, this news is alarming, but all the cases never appear in the media. The vast majority of adolescents know how to protect themselves, they are respectful people. If we only focus on the consequences that some Sanfermines or festivals in a town where everything gets out of control could have… it is not fair to give that image.
Luckily, all the schools have been working for many years. If I teach from a very young age to know that certain limits cannot be crossed, it will be much easier that when reaching adolescence it has been internalized. It is based on teaching our children that they have rights and duties and in rights is respect for the other person. This training has to start from when they are very young. Teaching them the correct names of the genitals, for example.
And above all, we must educate in affectivity and respect for others. I have to teach that person to respect themselves, to set their own limits towards others, this is achieved with a lot of training and very good self-esteem. If I protect myself, I say no to everything I don’t want.
In summer there is more exposure of the bodies and it is possible that more cases of TCAs (Eating Disorders) emerge.
In the book I talk a lot about self-esteem, the basis for building a new identity. If I look in the mirror and I don’t like myself, it’s impossible to build a good identity. It will affect me in emotional management, in the relationship with peers and with adults. I have to teach my adolescent that he has to love himself as he is. Adolescence is a key moment in which sports practice is abandoned, especially for girls. It is important that we encourage them to follow healthy habits, eating, good rest management, sports practice.
A common source of disputes: time management and the hours that can be spent in front of the screens and with the mobile in hand.
The first step is to think when we give that mobile. There is no fixed age, it depends on the maturation of the boy or girl. First step: when we have given that motive. It depends on the maturation of the boy or girl. Give it to him when all his friends have it, not when all his friends have it. In my talks I say: would you give your son the keys to your car if he doesn’t know how to drive? If the mobile is well managed, it is also his umbilical cord with his peer group. I remember coming home from school, leaving my best friend at the door and after ten minutes wanting to call her, because she had forgotten to tell him something about herself.
The basis is to agree on that screen time at all ages, discuss with your son or daughter the schedule that will continue on vacation, which is more lax. With my children, I agree to these responsibilities, but I understand that they will not do them at nine in the morning. They have to understand that we work as a group at home and that way it will be easier for everything to go well. I also have to propose activities so that he is not hooked on the screen all day.
In the case of my children, in the summer they follow a very different routine from the one they have in high school. They get up, go to the gym, play sports, go to the pool. If they occupy that time, the need to be connected to those screens decreases a lot. A little while ago a family that he advised told me: he spends all day with the screen. And the daughter told me that she watches a lot of series. My children are never in front of the TV. You have to understand that usage.
From an age, would you recommend traveling alone?
Of course! It is a time of experimentation for them. They have to live new experiences, discover. That prefrontal cortex that is the one that gives us so many problems, the one in charge of controlling impulses, of having more attention and that at that moment they cannot use because it is updating, looks for those stimuli. I have to understand that they do these incorrect behaviors to get our attention and not so that we don’t get angry, that they don’t do it against me but that it is the result of their inexperience, of that immature brain. I have to help my adolescent to mature.
Does it also encourage them to seek temporary jobs, which for many adolescents are not a choice?
Clear. When a teenager works and earns his first money, it helps him appreciate what he has, and he learns to manage that money. I have seen it at home. My eldest son wanted a sweatshirt for 90 euros and we told him that it was too much, that we would give him a part and with his savings he could buy it for him. He then he started working as a hockey coach, with children. When he received his first salary, I asked him if he was going to buy the sweatshirt. He told me: are you crazy? It is very expensive. He never bought it. He valued two things: the excessive price of the sweatshirt and the effort it had cost him to control those children. He wanted to spend it on something that would reward his effort. Your vision changes. He had never been a capricious child but he values ??much more. And since he has agreed that he works with children, he also values ??my profession much more.
Finally. The pandemic made mental health problems in adolescents even more visible.
We have to recognize that it is a very vulnerable stage. If that adolescent shows great difficulties in responding to all the changes they are experiencing, which are not only physical, but also psychological, cognitive, social and emotional, if they do not have the strategies to deal with these changes, adults must be present. and available to help you. When the processes of sadness and depression come, it is because he has not developed the necessary skills for that seizure. We do not have to be afraid to seek that professional help, quite the opposite. The important thing is to be able to accompany from empathy and from calm.
