Children who are given everything and still appear sad, anxious or aggressive. Children who have no respect for their parents. Children with a low (or no) tolerance for frustration, because in their life they have heard the word “no” or experienced a limit. As a family therapist in Ottawa, prosperous Canada, Dr. Maggie Mamen found the spoiled child profile increasingly common in her practice. She also detected that many of the “symptoms” of the spoiled were confused with emotional, psychological or behavioral disorders. With all this she published a successful book: Pampered Children (translated into Spanish by Paidós), where she explained how to distinguish the symptoms and analyzed the figure of the pampered child. A profile that she, she assures her, has increased over time.

How does he take an interest in spoiled children?

It was because of a case I had, a thirteen-year-old boy who, as a child, had been diagnosed with leukemia and had been very spoiled ever since: his parents had given him absolutely everything. That boy was thirteen years old, he was cured and had integrated into the school system, but he was having a terrible time, because the teachers didn’t think he was so special and they weren’t going to consent to everything. He was having serious anxiety attacks and he came to my office because he refused to go to school. I know this is a bit of an extreme example, but it’s what got me interested in this topic: I started to see a lot of teenagers diagnosed with mental problems, but they weren’t mental problems at all. My book was the first to connect consenting parenting with mental health problems.

What is the connection?

I saw many boys whose parents brought them in for anxiety or depression, behavioral or learning issues, when what caused all of this was the way they had been raised: children without limits or capacity for frustration. Children, for example, who have not learned to wait or persist and, because they are unable to maintain attention, are diagnosed with disorders related to it. Or children raised with the idea that the world adapts to them and, when this does not happen, they react with anxiety or anger. Or children with challenging behaviors who are simply that way because no one has ever said “no” to them.

How do you define spoiled child?

The main characteristic is his idea of ??having the right to everything: in English we have a very good word (“entitlement”), to define this typical attitude of spoiled children: “I have everything because… I deserve it. Spot”. That sense of “it’s my right” is deeply rooted in these profiles. There is also life dissatisfaction (they never have enough), impatience, lack of empathy and, of course, a low tolerance for frustration. Another clear characteristic is the lack of respect for authority; a defiant attitude, which starts with their parents. I’m not suggesting going back to Victorian times, of course, but we are raising a generation of individuals who question authority. I think that this is due, in part, to the institutional abuse that has occurred. There has been a reaction and, in a way, it is a natural evolution. But I think it has gone to the other extreme: the current degree of contempt for authority figures is very strong.

This contempt is not only seen in minors, there are also adults, and adults with power, who exercise it…

Yes, you see it in people like Donald Trump. “Go to a court summons… me? Justice is the one that is wrong”. Trump is a perfect example of a spoiled child who has made it into politics. I don’t know if it’s because his parents raised him like that thinking it was the right way to do it or because they were negligent parents, who gave him everything, period. It is not known, because each family is different.

What do you have to do to avoid raising a spoiled child?

Limits are fundamental and, in addition, they give them security: to them and to those around them. You also have to teach yourself to tolerate frustration, not to get it out. I believe that children can be loved and given things, as long as they are aware that having and doing things is a privilege, not a right. And that they appreciate it! That they say thank you, that they ask if they can do or give something in return. Educate them to the idea that if I am part of a population that has a lot, then I can think about distributing it, not accumulating it… I think that in Canada there are many people who do not realize how privileged we are. This is an amazing place, there are all kinds of social protections, but a lot of people complain a lot, because the government doesn’t give them enough. It’s really interesting.

Do you think that today there are more spoiled children than ever?

Yes, of course, and that impression has been given to me —especially during the last ten years— by the teachers. I recently gave a talk to several school directors and what we see is that the pandemic (with the children at home, without having to follow rules beyond the home), has increased this trend.

What other things have influenced this increase?

In the 1970s and 1980s, in Canada, education began to become more child-centred: we realized that they have different personalities and that we needed to adjust to the ways in which we practiced as parents or teachers. But now we have moved to child-directed education. That is, the children rule the roost. And the result of this tendency, of waiting for the son to direct his life or her education (he will decide when to read or write, when to learn…) is this spoiled generation. In Ontario, this trend has already had an impact on the academic curriculum and there is an attempt to get back to the old thing: to teach, not to wait for the children to decide when to do it. But of course, now the children don’t want to, because it’s boring.

Sometimes, with the best of intentions, a perverse result is achieved…

Yeah and some of these spoiled kids that were born in the 80’s are becoming parents and don’t expect their kids to treat them with respect. I know many parents who act like servants to their children and I have to tell them: “You don’t have to do everything your child tells you to do” or “You can say no”. But as long as you believe it is your duty to serve them, it will be your son who rules the family.

How do these spoiled children behave as citizens? How is this type of education reflected in our society?

I think we are beginning to see some of these effects. You probably know that here in Ottawa a few months ago we had a convoy of trucks completely lock down the entire city for three weeks in protest of the Covid restrictions. They were fighting for their “freedoms”, but much of their behavior was typical of someone who really didn’t give a damn about the rest of the world. I don’t know if this profile has yet reached politics in Canada, but at the ends of the spectrum (extreme right and extreme left) there are typical behaviors and attitudes of spoiled children.

The more wealth, the more pampered?

Although it influences, it is not wealth that is linked to the spoiled child, but the way in which he is educated.

Is the spoiled child born or made?

The spoiled child is not born, it is made: it is true that there are more demanding babies but, as they grow, things change and parents have to tell them: “Stop. Now what you have to know is what the world asks of you, not what you ask of the world”. Things as basic as going to sleep when they tell you, saying thank you or waiting. But one of the beliefs of the parents is that the child should never feel “uncomfortable”, because if he is uncomfortable he will feel depressed and then something horrible will happen… it is better to keep him “comfortable”, always.

But this upbringing between cotton does not work. As he explains in his book, it causes more disorders than anything else…

Yes, because it prevents them from developing the resilience that people need. They are not allowed to fail or lose at anything, or feel disappointed. Not even grieve over something, cry over something, because that something that is no longer there will be replaced immediately. When they come to my office I always tell parents that reversing things is going to be uncomfortable. It takes a lot of work to explain to them, for example, that your child is not going to like going to bed at eight, instead of two in the morning. Helping them move through that discomfort is part of my job.

There is almost a fear of parents to “traumatize” them by saying “no”, by setting limits…

I don’t know what happens with the word “limits”… It seems to them that they imprison their children. I have heard phrases like “limits oppress children”. It seems absurd to me, because they are what gives them security. When, in consultation, parents tell me: “We don’t want to be strict”, I tell them to change the word “strict” to “clear”: they have to be clear and, sometimes, things are not as the children want. And yes, it’s awkward to wait for some things, but it’s a part of life. Knowing how to wait is a very important learning. You also see this immediate gratification in parents: they want results, now. They are not ready to see some of the things in their children. I have realized that many cannot bear to see things like a tantrum, at two or three years of age, which is what children do at that age… Many do not understand it.

It would seem that one seeks to diagnose diseases in order not to diagnose reality: that children have tantrums or that they are simply poorly educated.

Yes, it’s true: a “diagnosis” almost takes the responsibility away from parents. I mainly deal with diagnoses that involve anxiety, depression and attention disorders, as well as conduct disorders, but I try to make them understand that not everything has to be a diagnosis, that there are things that are normal and can be corrected by educating. But there is a sector of society that medicalizes everything: there is a pill for everything, while what I preach is exercise, sleep, a good diet and love, of course, which does not cost anything, in addition. But meanwhile, pills are given to children. And what I ask for is a little effort.