After having been alone at home for six years, my peace of mind was broken a little. I had to resume a family routine”, says Mari Carmen, 70 years old. Since her husband died, she lived on her own in her flat in Sant Joan Despí. In February, his daughter Vanesa Pérez (44) returned to live in the family home, since they separated after fifteen years of relationship.
The routine of the house has changed. “Even though she lives her life and I live mine, it’s not the same. We write to let each other know when we’re leaving or coming back, for example,” explains Mari Carmen. Housework has also increased. “When it comes to preparing meals, there are two of us. I’ve gone from installing one or, in fact, two washing machines a week, to installing one every day”, says Mari Carmen, although she clarifies: “It’s these little things. The most important thing is to be able to be there to support him in whatever way I can.”
“The return of older children to the home represents a very important challenge for parents. They have usually entered – or are entering – a period of retirement. They are already freed from professional burdens and also from the tasks of raising children”, points out the psychologist and professor at the University of Barcelona Mila Arch, and adds: “Their outlook on life is usually focused on enjoying this period of life and in a calm and relaxed everyday life. The return of the son or daughter entails having to assume daily obligations that they no longer had”.
“I tell her that she doesn’t need to cook for me, but she takes on these motherly things alone. He takes care of me”, says Vanesa. For Mari Carmen this is non-negotiable. “How can I not make him food? Not that she was a stranger”, he replies.
Before – says Mari Carmen – Vanesa’s room was “always prepared, well laid out, with the bedspread and the pillow”. When her daughter told her she was going to live at home again, she had to “empty out a lot of drawers and put everything in boxes in the storage room, to make room for her”.
She has to restrain herself from tidying up Vanesa’s room every time she goes out to work. “He gets up very early to go and doesn’t want me to touch him. Then I leave it as it is. Maybe I air it out, sometimes I stretch the sheets a bit. If he has clothes spread out, I collect them and if I have time I fold them. Then she saves it”, explains Mari Carmen.
The return of older children to the family home implies a big change in the parents’ landscape. “In many cases, they have already mourned the empty nest syndrome, they are alone and in the process of finding themselves again as a person or also as a couple. Maybe they were already enjoying a new honeymoon and the son’s room had already become a gym”, says Esther Camacho, psychogerontologist and secretary of the Psychology of Aging Group of the Spanish Society of Geriatrics and Gerontology .
“Also, they encounter a son who is emotionally affected by a separation. Most divorces are between the ages of 40 and 49 or 50 to 59, so they tend to be children who have already had a career. Many already have children”, explains the expert and warns that: “When there are grandchildren, the situation can be even more complex. Although spending time together can be very beneficial for grandchildren and grandparents, in many cases they go from seeing them maybe on the weekends to suddenly having to play an almost parenting role. Not everyone likes being a carer, cooking again, taking care of chores, picking them up from school or taking on the financial cost of meals.”
“We are in a situation of extending the stay of young people with their parents. It has even been accepted more frequently what is coexistence within the family home of the son or daughter with their partner. This is something that used to be very rare”, points out the sociologist and honorary professor at the Complutense University of Madrid Jesús Leal Maldonado.
“Emancipation is not always final. Many times it is a process that has its ups and downs, in which perhaps the child lives with the partner, but continues to go to the parents’ house for lunch or to do the laundry, or may return to the parents’ home after a separation”, points out the expert and adds: “With the increasing difficulty of accessing a home or renting a property, this type of process of going back and forth or situation of returning to the home of origin is possible have increased We don’t have data, but it’s possible that it happens more often.”
“In the beginning I did need to be with my mother. But if I had money, I wouldn’t have gone back to live with her – explains Vanesa. “In the end you go back to your parents’ house out of necessity, it’s not an option you choose. It’s not fair that people who are alone can’t access housing”.
The flat where Vanesa previously lived with her ex-partner was owned by him. “Going back to my bachelorette room was hard. It’s to start again. You think: What have I done wrong? Thanks to my therapist I was able to see things in a different way. I know that I will be able to rent my flat and become independent”, he says. “I signed up for the lottery to access a social flat. It didn’t work for me, but I’ll try again. I will sign up again in the next offers they make”.
For Leal Maldonado, differences can be identified in terms of social classes. “The working social class in general tends to a more prominent family solidarity, so they will be more likely to take in the son or daughter, while the upper middle class is more independent and usually helps the children by providing money or facilities for the taking care of the grandchildren, for example”, indicates the sociologist. But he clarifies: “In any case, the Mediterranean Catholic family tends to be more supportive of its members than an Anglo-Saxon family, for example, in which it is much less common for a child to return home after being emancipated” .
On the other hand, the sociologist points out that, in cases of separation, when there are no children in common, it is more feasible for the wife of the couple to return for a period to the parents’ house, while “when there are already offspring, although it depends a lot on each situation, it is more common for the woman to stay at home to take care of the children and the spouse, if he cannot settle independently, looks for another alternative, such as sharing a flat . It is very rare for him to return to his parents’ house.”
“It is clear that it is the children who have to make an effort to adapt to the return to their parents’ home – says psychologist Arch. They are already at a different point in their lives and, no matter how much effort they put into it, it is clear that it is not an expected situation, but it is becoming more and more so”.
For the children who return home – he continues -, “it can be devastating. In many cases these are people who became independent many years ago. Returning to the parents’ house usually leads to an experience of life failure. Also, they have to re-assume everyday rules that, normally, are already very far from them, so they anticipate a significant lack of freedom”.
“I have the independence to live my life, but there is this thing of having to tell her: ‘Mum, I’m not going back to lunch or sleep today’. Suddenly she corrects me or tells me how to do things that I already did for fifteen years alone. It’s like traveling back in time,” says Vanesa. For her, the key to reducing the short circuits that can arise in coexistence is “a lot of mutual patience”.
Since having her daughter at home, Mari Carmen feels safer. “I am no longer alone at night. I had previously installed an alarm, because I was afraid that someone would jump and enter through the balcony. Now I’m accompanied”, she says. His daughter also assists him with the technological devices. “I am anti-technology. I don’t know how the internet is doing. She shows me my series and explains how everything works”, he says.
“This coexistence can be an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. Children who are at home can use the time to teach their parents how to use Netflix, how to do procedures in mobile banking… They can also help with expenses and household chores so that their parents do not feel that his house is a hotel”, says Esther Camacho. “It is important that there is communication and that it is always clear that the house is theirs and that their rules, schedules, routines and idiosyncrasies must be respected.”
