When my consciousness awakened, I had been in psychiatric treatment for 25 years.
What happened to him?
I was diagnosed and treated for chronic anxiety, depression, and ended up developing a very painful autoimmune problem.
What led her there?
The fear of life. When I was three years old my mother came back from the hospital, she had just given birth to my brother, and she in front of me fell plummeting into a pool of blood. She had internal bleeding.
An indelible image.
From then on he was in very poor health. My brother and I had to go live with grandparents. My brother suffered a very serious hepatitis that kept him between life and death, and as a teenager my boyfriend killed himself when he came to pick me up.
Too many things to process?
I decided to destroy myself: drugs and very dirty sex. I ended up in the hospital with my first anxiety attack. Then came the painful and expensive autoimmune disease. I collapsed, lost my job, my house, my partner.
How did he get out of there?
I feel helpless and have contact with a Catalan prostitution company. I feel terrible guilt. I consider suicide and, when I give up, I get to see myself from the outside, I see my destructive victimhood.
Did you feel physical pain?
Yes, but I decided to get off the painkillers and give myself over to the pain. Just feel the body. That helped me experience it from a less mental place. After a few months, one night, I start looking through a book and suddenly two white lights appear in my eyes that blind me. I start to feel heat in my head and I hear a very strong braking, like that of a car.
On the street or in your head?
It was the thoughts, suddenly they disappeared. I entered a very intense silence, everything shone and I felt immeasurable love.
How did the theme evolve?
The unconscious that had made me sick for 25 years surfaced, it was crazy, an entire day I repeat “whore” to myself; to the other, “suicide.”
Oh.
But I discover that in my body there is an intelligence that allows me to experience all that disorder, returning it to order. For three months I purged anger, aggressiveness, fear, sadness. Then I began to perceive the energies of the people, of the spaces…
A rebirth.
I understand that the essence, the being, had never been affected by anything that had happened to me, and that this being is in everyone. I discover that life is not to be understood, it is to be lived. Life happens, you don’t have to think anything about it.
What happens in your life?
I work part-time in a shoe store and I dedicate the morning to being in silence, I need it. The mind is full of images of the past and the future, stories that we tell ourselves, like what happened to me when I was three years old.
What does he do with it?
Write a letter to the trauma and to my mother, notifying her beforehand, saying that the accident was not mine but hers. The unconscious moves with metaphors. That’s what I did with all my traumas. And I allowed the suffering to manifest itself as it was, without a story, without wanting to change it, feeling it in my body.
How did he go on to heal others?
They saw me cured, they asked me how I had done it, they asked me for help; That’s how I started accompanying people. One day silent healing appears with a person who had seizures, I put my hands on him and he calms down.
And people are coming.
And I try to bring them to that state of silence. He did not charge them anything, he investigated how.
What is your advice?
Try to live the moment as it comes, stop looking for yourself in the world, in things. Peace and love are not in the world, they are in us. That is why it is essential to take a moment every day to internalize, to know where your attention is. Conscious attention is the most powerful thing that the human being has. Attention is either here or lost.
The mind is scattered.
In the body there is a very deep intelligence that knows how to lead us to that place of stillness, all we have to do is pay attention to the body. Our bodies are full of time, past and future, thoughts leave memory in the body.
AND?
The first thing is to feel that amount of time accumulated in the body and release it. Then try to cultivate that stillness that lies beneath that restlessness. That, every day.
Good homework for the rentrée.
In each of us there are two dimensions: the first is that of silence, stillness, and the other is that of identity. One is deep and the other superficial. Identity must be subordinated to that deeper place.
