When the awakening of my consciousness took place, I had been in psychiatric treatment for 25 years.
What was wrong with him?
I was diagnosed and treated for chronic anxiety, depression and ended up developing a very painful autoimmune problem.
What brought her there?
The fear of life. When I was three years old, my mother came back from the hospital, she had just given birth to my brother, and she collapsed in a pool of blood in front of me. He was bleeding internally.
An indelible image.
From then on he had very poor health. My brother and I had to go live with our grandparents. My brother had very serious hepatitis that had him between life and death, and as a teenager my boyfriend killed himself when he was coming to pick me up.
Too much to process?
I decided to destroy myself with drugs and very dirty sex. I ended up in the hospital with my first anxiety attack. Then came the painful and expensive autoimmune disease. I collapsed, I lost my job, my house, my partner.
How did it go?
I feel helpless and contact a Catalan prostitution company. I feel terrible guilt. I consider suicide and, when I give up, I manage to see myself from the outside, I see my destructive victimhood.
Did you feel physical pain?
Yes, but I decided to stop the painkillers and surrender to the pain. Just feel the body. This helped me to experience it from a less mental place. After a few months, one night, I start to take a look at a book and suddenly two white lights appear in my eyes and blind me. I start to feel heat in my head and I feel a very strong braking, like that of a car.
On the street or in your head?
It was the thoughts, suddenly they disappeared. I entered an intense silence, everything was shining and I felt an immeasurable love.
How did the theme evolve?
The unconscious that had kept me ill for 25 years surfaced, a madness, for a whole day I repeat “whore” to myself; the other, “suicide”.
Need.
I discover, however, that in my body there is an intelligence that allows me to live all that disorder by returning it to order. For three months I purged anger, aggression, fear, sadness. Then I began to perceive the energies of people, spaces…
A rebirth
I understand that the essence, the being, had never been affected by anything that had happened to me, and that this being is in everyone. I discovered that life does not have to be understood, it has to be lived. Life happens, you don’t have to think about it.
What happens in your life?
I work half a day in a shoe store and spend the morning being quiet, I need it. The mind is full of images of the past and the future, stories we tell each other, like what happened to me when I was three.
What do you do with it?
Write a letter to the trauma and to my mother, warning her beforehand, saying that the accident was not mine but hers. The unconscious moves with metaphors. I did this with all my traumas. And I allowed the suffering to manifest as it was, without story, without wanting to change it, feeling it in the body.
How did he go about healing others?
They saw me cured, they asked me how I had done it, they asked me for help; so I started accompanying people. One day the silent healing appears with a person who was having seizures, I put my hands on him and he calms down.
And people are coming.
And I try to bring them to that state of silence. He didn’t charge them anything, he researched how.
What is your advice?
Try to live the moment as it comes, stop looking for yourself in the world, in things. Peace and love are within us. That’s why it’s essential to take a moment every day to introspect, to know where your attention is. Conscious attention is the most powerful human being. Attention is either here or lost.
The mind is scattered.
In the body there is a very deep intelligence that knows how to lead us to that place of stillness, all we have to do is pay attention to the body. Our bodies are full of time, past and future, thoughts leave memory in the body.
I?
The first is to feel the amount of time accumulated in the body and release it. Then, try to cultivate this stillness that is under this restlessness. This, every day.
Good homework for the school year.
In each of us there are two dimensions: the first is that of silence, stillness, and the other is that of identity. One is deep and the other superficial. Identity must be subordinated to that deeper place.
