The tendency of human beings to seek coherence in their actions – and, therefore, in those of others – is widespread. Some even define themselves as “transparent” to indicate that they are seen immediately and that they do not hide anything, they are all sincerity, they think.
The truth is that contradictions, paradoxes and nonsense are more typical and common human virtues. The subversion produced by Freud, discoverer of the unconscious, attacked the sacred assumption of the self as an instance of total control of our lives.
That someone made a mistake by calling their lover by the name of their ex or that they closed a meeting that had not yet started, brought us back to the reality of our psychic fragility: even when we speak we do not control what we say and we say more than we think. or less than we would like. Hence, many politicians choose silence so as not to be hostages to their setbacks.
Love, as the first emotional bond of the human being, could not be simple or lucid for us. Here, confusion is the norm and logic is absent. Men who love women they do not desire and, therefore, need other fantasies (see the growing consumption of online porn) or other partners, more or less furtive, to satisfy their most intimate desires. Women who suffer abuse, who do not ask or desire, but which does not prevent them from continuing to live with the aggressors.
Sometimes because of fear or economic precariousness and other times – as some stated in the consultation – because they can’t stop hoping that things will change and that this domestic monster – for which they may even feel sorry – will one day change, be corrected and the love again as they would want. In fact, sometimes he does it – they say – and ‘it’s charming’ until he shows his sadistic and cruel side again.
It is not uncommon, as a young patient with an abusive partner told me, that they forgive him because one day he declared his unconditional love for them, as if they were the only one for him. In this case, it was a very emotionally deprived girl who never had the feeling that anyone mattered until this aggressor noticed her.
Other times, having occupied privileged places in childhood fixes us to a scene that we try to recreate in adulthood with couples that evoke those original ties. Giving up being the only woman for the couple (or the preferred man), even suspecting a certain falsity in ‘exclusivity’, is not easy. There are places, chosen or preferred, that cannot be given up quickly and easily. Why do you think many children continue to believe in the Three Wise Men or adults in leaders who promise the impossible? It is not a cognitive deficit, it is the psychic illusion of being someone important to another.
For these reasons, a woman can forgive her partner’s mistakes, even serious ones (aggression, deception). Affection prevails over reason (if there are no hidden interests) and projects scenarios into the future that erase the stains of the past to allow for a kinder present.
This does not exclude that forgiveness takes its toll to compensate for the damage or that trust is affected. In any case, they are not reactions that we can think of with the logic of coherence, but rather with the havoc with which love always envelops and blinds us.
