Adriana Villanueva met those who are now her closest friends when she was fifty years old. “Coming out of a divorce, she didn’t have her own friends,” explains the Argentine, who has lived in Barcelona for fifteen years. Until that moment, her friends were the mothers from school and her children’s soccer teammates. “They were from the neighborhood all their lives and already had their friendships formed when they were little. Although we got along well, I never quite integrated. It is very difficult to enter a circle where people are not looking for more friendships, because they already have them,” she indicates. Is it possible to make close friendships during adulthood?
“Friendships occupy a different place at each stage of our lives,” says Noemí Guillamon, psychologist at Espai Nona, and adds: “Until our adolescence, they have an almost priority role. All our energy is put into maintaining those relationships. As adults, they generally move to another plane. Not because they are not important to us, but because we have little availability. Family and children take up a lot of energy and dedication. And, even if we do not follow that more traditional itinerary, we still continue to live with people who already have established friendships and it is difficult to enter an already created group of friends.”
“When we are older, we have many hours dedicated to work, to the house, to our partner, to our children. Many times friendships are more relegated,” agrees Dendros Center psychologist Eva Aguilar. In addition to having less time to dedicate to these bonds, adults are not as connected to the present as children and we have more beliefs and judgments formed about ourselves and others, the expert indicates.
Although adult friendships do not have the same intensity as during childhood or adolescence, for many people they are more authentic than those of the past. “Friendship is different, neither better nor worse. Furthermore, each friendship can bring you something new,” says Eva Aguilar.
For Carmen R. (30), “The friends you make as an adult open up new possibilities for you. You already know everything about your lifelong friends and you even know their family. New friendships come from different starting points, situations and even countries different from yours. You can exchange experiences and generate conversations that you would not have with someone who was always part of your same field.”
The friends she has made in her “twenties” are the ones she has the most affinity with. “We become more selective, we don’t waste time with people with whom we don’t have much in common,” she explains. In recent years, she has made new friends at work and in different theater courses. “In general, people who work in the social field, in addition to spending many hours together, share ideals, which I think is important when it comes to making close ties,” says Carmen and adds: “In the theater, people also generate very strong relationships because you work with emotions.”
She believes that “it is important to be honest with who you are, with how you want to live and what things you like. And, from there, meet people. But you don’t have to try to be someone else, it’s impossible to fit in everywhere.”
“Sometimes what unites you with lifelong friends is affection. But, when you grow up in a very different way, interests change and sometimes that affection is not enough. Not all friendships have to be forever. There are people who accompany you at a certain stage or circumstance and that’s fine,” says Julia (35) and indicates: “When you get older, you have more obligations, less time and you have to choose who you want to share it with. The friendships I formed when I grew up are with people who really contribute to me.”
At almost 30 years old, she went to live from Argentina to Spain, first to Madrid and then to Barcelona. In each city she wove a network of new friends. “The fact of leaving the place where you grew up forces you to interact with others. I had to live with strangers, who started out as roommates, and today they are like family. There are also people you meet by chance, who come to the city, need you to help them with something, you start hanging out with them and they end up being a fundamental support in your life.”
Work was also a space for her to build “super close friendships.” “At this age, many of the things that happen to us have to do with work. It’s a lot what you dump there. In the end, they are people I talk to every day,” she explains.
“I have childhood friends. When we became friends, when we were eight or ten years old, we were one person and now, at forty, we are different. The love and trust are there but, while with some we are still on the same page, with others I no longer have much in common,” says Mercedes, 42, for her part. For her, “the friendships you choose when you are an adult are healthier and more authentic, because you choose them already knowing what you want in your life. We already have things clear, the head more formed. You can make the boundaries clearer from the beginning.”
She feels that the friends she made when she grew up, like Jesús -who she met at work- or Cristina -through mutual friends-, she was able to choose “consciously.” “We have a special harmony. They are more real links. With Cristina we like to make the same plans and we understand each other with a glance. Jesus has the same intellectual concerns as me. We see life in a similar way, I can vent and talk a lot with him. Although we have not been friends for so many years, they are at the same level of friendship as those who have been in my life for thirty years,” says Mercedes.
“It will be a more authentic relationship because it will be formed taking into account who we are at this moment,” says psychologist Noemí Guillamon. When we are adults, -says the expert- our personality is usually very consolidated. “From there, we approach other people who share interests, values, ways of being and acting similar to ours. Although it is difficult to make new friendships as adults, it is possible that they are more stable and lasting than those we establish as children or adolescents,” she explains.
“If I met many of my lifelong friends now, I probably wouldn’t like them, because we no longer have anything in common. We share a past, but not a present or a future,” says Patricia Fort (49) and agrees that “With age, you become more selective. At the same time, the backpack of manias, fears and anxieties that you carry is greater. You stay with people with whom you can share a good time.”
At every stage of his life he made new friends. “As you get older, you meet people through different circumstances in life. They are friendships that are linked to the life situation in which you find yourself,” she indicates. She and her husband still maintain a “super friendship” with the eight sets of parents they met 11 years ago, during her daughter’s afternoons playing in the park after daycare. “My friendships as an adult have been mostly related to my daughter,” she says. In addition to being in the same life stage, it is key for her to be on the same page, both ideologically and economically.
Making friends can become more of a challenge over the years. A study by the University of Oxford and Aalto University, published in 2016 in the Royal Society Open Science, reveals, from the analysis of records of telephone calls made in 2007 by 3.2 million mobile phone users across Europe , that the greatest amount of social interactions occurs at age 25. From the age of 45, these stabilize for approximately a decade, and then decrease steadily after the age of 55.
For older people, making new friends can be very challenging. Carmen, 78, lost her sister and her husband over a year ago. In addition, she suffered from dizziness that made it difficult for her to get out of it. She felt trapped between the walls of her house. Her feeling of loneliness grew heavier and her days seemed longer and longer. “At six in the evening I was already in bed, waiting to fall asleep so that it would be tomorrow. But tomorrow was the same as today, ”she recalls and adds:“ I was very anxious and upset. “I didn’t care if I lived or died.”
She had the telecare service offered by the City Council. It is a device with a button, which users wear hanging around their neck. By pressing it, they receive immediate assistance. Carmen decided to ask for help and they contacted her with Amics de la Gent Gran, a foundation that seeks to combat unwanted loneliness in older people, through the accompaniment of volunteers of all ages. There, she was assigned to Magda (64), a volunteer from the entity. A year later, they consider themselves great friends. “We see each other two or three days a week and we talk on the phone almost every day. We tell each other everything. I have a lot of confidence in him. It is a friendship that brings a lot to both of us,” explains Magda.
In addition to the accompaniment of volunteers, the entity organizes meetings with other older people. “Carmen is a very sociable person, who has a very pleasant conversation. She could make friends easily. But at this age, you are more limited. Maybe some friends are gone and others have their things. The Foundation helps you meet other people who are close to you”, says Magda, and clarifies that “there are more users than volunteers, so sometimes people have to wait until someone is assigned to accompany them”.
Carmen explains that Magda helped her choose the place where she lives now, the Las Arcadias Calabria center with housing adapted for seniors. “She was very involved in me making a change. Here I have nursing service all day. I am more contained. You are alone but not so alone, because you go down and you already find another woman to talk to. I am very ‘chatty,’” she explains. For her, friends are even “more important than family” today.
Although making adult friends may be more difficult for some people, it’s important to try. “Friends accompany us in our lives and are a very important source of self-esteem. We can be more introverted or extroverted, but we need each other”, says Noemí Guillamon.
“We are social beings. Belonging and feeling included in a group is a basic need,” says psychologist Eva Aguilar, and insists: “just because there is a difficulty does not mean it is impossible.” She encourages working on the feeling of rejection, “believing that I am lovable, that I have things to offer and being open to meeting new people.”
Friendships, says the psychologist, “do not magically appear.” Taking the first step, smiling, showing interest in the other person and saying things like “I loved spending time or talking to you” are all “ways for her to feel more connected to us,” Aguilar points out. For a friendship to grow and be maintained over time, you have to dedicate time and care to it.
Sharing a space, interacting – whether at the gym or while walking our pet – and looking for groups of people to share hobbies with can be good starting points. “With the expansion of social networks, it is increasingly easier to meet people who share our hobbies,” says Noemí Guillamon and adds: “Although a friendship cannot be forced, it is important to know that it will not knock you at the door. “We have to be proactive, leave the house and look for spaces that facilitate meeting other people.”
“Surely we will be able to find, either on social networks or in a home or community center, a group that shares the same leisure activities as me. Screens can be useful for some people, but the connection with all the senses is outside the home,” says Eva Aguilar.
In those cases where the difficulties are more pronounced, whether due to very low self-esteem, extreme shyness, difficulty understanding or adapting to social norms, or a highly exacerbated fear of rejection, the psychologists consulted recommend relying on therapeutic work with a professional.
There is an entire digital ecosystem to connect with other people, from Facebook groups to applications to organize group activities like MeetUp. The dating app Bumble launched Bumble For Friends (BFF) in 2016, to meet people with common interests. According to reports to La Vanguardia, up to 15% of Bumble’s monthly active members take advantage of the app’s BFF mode.
“We have to do our part. Nobody is going to come looking for you. Nowadays, with these applications, it is much easier to meet people who are in the same situation as you. You have to dare and look for areas where people are also open to making friends,” says Adriana Villanueva.
After her divorce, she joined a hiking group on Meetup. “Although there I was able to meet people who shared my interests, I didn’t form a friendship with anyone,” she says. A co-worker suggested she join the Divorce Club, through this same app. “There I met those who are my friends today. We are five very different girls. We were united by the desire to do things and have fun. We had all experienced a divorce, we wanted to break with the past, move forward and not stay stuck at home alone.”
