Despite stereotypes, the search for love does not end at 50. Finding happiness with another person in middle age is not easy, but it is possible if there is a deep connection, understanding and mutual respect. It’s in our DNA: human beings have always been social creatures, always in search of company and, especially, intimate and meaningful connections and relationships. Something that happens not only because of the instinct that drives us to continue the species, but because of the need to feel supported, understood and to give a purpose to our own existence.
Furthermore, although it may seem like it, the need for love and company is not something that fades over time, it is a constant in our lives and, although depending on the stages and circumstances it evolves, the essence of that search always remains intact. . We are beings who flourish in the company of others, so it is natural that, although we have surpassed the barrier of 55 years, the desire to find a loving partner—if we don’t already have one—continues in our hearts.
However, it is also true that, as we progress in our existence, our perspectives on love and relationships change. It is possible that our feelings no longer resemble the unleashed emotions of youth, of first love. Finding our better half at an older age has more to do with other things.
“At any age you can live a beautiful love story,” says María del Carme Banús, founder and director of the SamSara Matchmaking agency, which offers a personalized matchmaking service. “It is true that priorities and expectations change a little, since in other times of life more importance is given to the physical appearance, to having a lot of attraction. When they are a few years older, people usually come from a first or second relationship. “They still believe in relationships and want a new opportunity, but they also tend to be more demanding.”
“The most distinctive characteristic of this stage, in relation to relationships, is that the personality is much more defined, we are less flexible,” says Beatriz González, psychologist at the Somos center. “We have had many experiences, both positive and negative: we have been hurt, we have idealized, we have suffered disappointment… And all of this affects both our personality and our mature relationships.”
“A more mature person usually bears the weight of their previous relationships,” agrees Banús, “but often they also think that they are too old to have a relationship. He also tends to be very lonely and, therefore, needs more than ever to find a good life partner,” he adds.
The challenge, according to the expert, is to have the courage to leave the comfort zone, to truly believe that one deserves to be happier and to have a good partner at one’s side. “But you need to step forward and have an open and positive attitude to find it,” she explains.
Antonia, 66, and Xavier, 69, recently met in Barcelona. They hit it off, but they lived almost 100 kilometers apart. From the beginning, they were both very clear with what they wanted. “I told him that I wanted a stable partner and he told me the same thing,” explains Antonia. “I immediately realized that he was interested in me and I liked him too. So we met a second time. We went to dinner at a restaurant and, at one point, I took his hands and asked him ‘Let’s see, do you see it as feasible?’ I saw that we were both going in the same direction and I began to notice a certain attraction towards him. “That made us a couple.” Antonia recognizes that her story was not a fifteen-year-old infatuation, but that the attraction emerged little by little.
Xavier admits that he is not a fan of solitude. That was what prompted him to look for a partner. “Antonia gave me security and confidence from the first moment,” he confesses. “I immediately saw very human details that I really liked. The only problem was the distance, but we have compensated for it by having so much love involved. She is an exceptional woman.”
Both Antonia and Xavier have a lot of experience in love. He has had several partners and he prides himself on the fact that he has good memories of all of them, except one. She got married very young, but she was widowed at 40. Subsequently, she had two other long relationships, but when she was left alone again she knew that she couldn’t be like this. “I think life alone is not good,” she says. “Through my work as a family doctor I have met many people who really came to the doctor because they were deeply affected by loneliness, because they missed the affection that a person who is by your side gives you. So I was very clear.” And among all the solutions he had available, the solution of going to an agency was the one that suited him the most. “I liked the anonymity that the agency provided and, I don’t know, I think that for my age it was the best formula. I thought ‘if this goes badly for me, I’ll look for other routes.'”
“The main difficulty in these cases is merging the lifestyles of the two, which are already very consolidated,” says Beatriz, “customs, children, friends, jobs, values, etc. Reaching common agreements on all these variables is more complicated than when we are younger, when it is not necessary to reach as many agreements, since we have more flexibility.”
“All our past experiences influence our present relationships,” continues the psychologist. “We can start a new relationship with many protections if we have been hurt, not allowing the other person to get too close and even, if they try, ending the relationship for fear of suffering. We can also find people who have not closed their previous relationship and who remain in a process of idealization, which causes the new partner to never be as valid as the previous relationship, generating a lot of frustration and disappointment for both. parts,” he adds.
“The main thing is to have learned from each of our past relationships so as not to repeat the same pattern if they have gone wrong,” says Banús. “If the partners you have had have been good, you normally trust the partner and it is easy for the relationship to flow easily if you meet the right person.”
“You don’t have to be afraid of relationships,” says the person in charge of SamSara Matchmaking without hesitation. “Nor to jump into the pool, go with an open heart, with the desire to give and receive, to adapt to the other, to look for spaces to share what one wants from the other, hobbies and new points of view. Opening ourselves to each other’s differences can result in mutual enrichment, with new hobbies and points of view… Life can always surprise us if we open ourselves to the opportunity.”
For Beatriz, having the ability to analyze problems that arise as a team, seek joint actions to solve them, and not engage in criticism, are possibly some of the most effective strategies in these cases. “I always comment that couples are made up of three different elements: each of the members that make it up, and the couple itself,” explains the psychologist. “We should never forget what each member can do in favor of the third component, which is the couple. Everything that is done in favor of the couple will unite the members much more, enhancing attitudes and emotions such as love, listening, respect, establishing limits, empathy or understanding.”
So far, Antonia and Xavi have managed to find what they were looking for, start a new relationship and maintain it despite all the difficulties and the vertigo of exposing themselves to an age in which this can be very intense. “You don’t have to give up,” says Xavier. “Surely somewhere there is the person you need to fill your life with happiness. It is necessary to leave fears aside and look for someone who attracts us and with whom we have affinities.”
“I would tell people who are in our situation not to be afraid,” Antonia remarks. “What happens if you’re in a relationship and it’s not going well? Well, nothing, we are no longer teenagers and we know that being afraid of pain makes no sense. The pain goes away and if you don’t get wet you’re not going anywhere. If you don’t get it right the first time or the second time, well… Life is like that, it’s not easy,” she reflects. “I think it’s important to have a good physical appearance and not try to pretend to be something you’re not; also show affection and maintain it, and that it be sincere, show interest and accomplish the things that are accomplished. Finally, it is very clear that maintaining sex is also relevant because if sex goes wrong, everything goes wrong, even if we are 66 years old.”
In line with the latter, the psychologist explains that “citing Robert Sternberg, love is composed of three loving qualities: intimacy (feeling of closeness), passion (drive to be with the other person, sexual energy) and commitment (desire to remain with the other person). united with the couple even if there are ups and downs). The combination of these three, and above all the specific weight that each of them has in the relationship, are what will influence its maintenance.”
In this way, “the search for a healthy couple is one in which from the first moments we begin to perceive that there is an intention to have these three loving qualities with the other person and not just one of them,” González concludes.
